observation notes: MILF

There are certain movies, that when they're made, the concept seems so simple and classic that I can't believe it took us as a culture so long to produce it: 30 Days of Night is my go-to example of these; someone should've thought about vampires in a sunless environment long before the 21st century. And MILF, the latest comedy from The Asylum, is another such concept: hot moms have been all the rage for decades now, thanks to the invention of the minivan, the rise in America's divorce rate, recreational youth soccer and the internet. And while yes, there are plenty of films that extol the virtues and myriad pleasures of taking an old lady lover, none of them have had the balls to flat out call themselves, MILF, which is an acronym, but if you don't know for what, then you my friend need this movie more than the rest of us.

MILF is the story of four sexually-frustrated college freshmen ( i guess i could've just said "college freshmen" and gotten the same point across) who have absolutely no game when it comes to picking up hotties their own age. But when one of the four sees a naked cougar - one of the other four's moms, no less - teamed with the discovery of the aforementioned naked cougar caught by the four in the midst of  two-person "passion party" with another of their moms (i knew going into this it was about somebodies' moms as sex objects, i just didn't know it was going to be the moms of half our principle characters. this took some adjustment), the idea becomes planted in the boys' collective dick that the answer to their sexless strikeouts is the tender loving care only someone else's mother can provide. This happens about the same time the cougars in question discover their sons' friends are ripe for the plucking. The end result of this mutual, lustful awakening is sexual exploitation and objectification of the highest, finest order, and where our film really takes off.

Essentially, our heroes concoct an American Pie-style bet to see who can bag the most MILF (yes, i'm using MILF as the plural of MILF, like DEER or SHEEP. the movie will back me up) by the end of the year, then go about attempting to ensnare their prey by stalking the places MILF are known to graze: singles bars, the grocery store, and eventually each others' family homes. Along the way each of our freshmen has their equally raucous, thrilling and emasculating encounters, more often than not with hilarious results. This rampant lust turns complicated and potentially devastating, however, when our main hero finds himself in a full-on Friend With Benefits situation with another of our heroes' moms, the same other hero who saw the first cougar, our main hero's mom, naked and felt so bad about it he hasn't stopped apologizing all movie (it sounds complicated, i know, but believe me, if i can follow it after three vodka/sodas, you can too.) It's at this plot point we realize the true dilemma of our film; it isn't about how many MILF these young men are going to have intercourse with, it's about whether or not our main hero will continue to sneak around with his friend's mom for the best (and only) sex of his young life, or will he throw said sex away for the sake of lifelong friendship? Only in the movies is this an actual question (don't hate, you know it's true. lust always trumps honor, that's why in most religious systems it's an infraction, because otherwise all of us would do it all the time. human nature is ashamedly primal.).

The rest of the story I shall leave unspoiled. As for the performances, I was - as I was with the movie overall - pleasantly surprised. Lead actor Jack Cullison - who makes his feature debut with MILF - is easily the best of the bunch, awkwardly charming where the others are just awkward, and geekily likable in a too-relative way. Philip Marlatt, who plays the hero whose mom is being serviced by his best friend Cullison, tries a little too hard off the bat to be the funniest, which he isn't, coming off a little like a more-realistic version of Michael Showalter's "Doug," but as the film progresses and we get into the thick of his character, he ends up giving the most non-lustful emotional performance of the film. The other guys, the Brit and the Hispanic-American, are pretty much just there - it feels like - to round out the cast, though the Brit has a couple of pretty funny moments.

As for the women of MILF, though the film abounds with them, there are three of particular note: Amy Lindsay as the main MILF doing her son's BFF (and who's filmography makes the 12-year-old CInemax-viewer inside of me very happy), who in this film manages to accomplish the near impossible: she's hot, slutty, kinky, yet still three-dimensional, that is, not a caricature of any of these qualities, but somehow simultaneously believably maternal and the victim of an emotional roller-coaster that has her even considering such a relationship. (MILF surprised me over and over, and most often it was in this sense: at the heart of this bawdy sex comedy is, well, a heart.). Molinee Green plays the mom of the mom-banger, a tigress with a little kinky secret of her own, and she's just pure sex in this one, but she's also my only complaint about the cast, and not because of her performance, but her age; Molinee's currently 28 years old, according to IMDB, and no matter where you're from, that's a little young to be the mom of a college freshman. But she looks good naked, and that's the point, so what am I even talking about? And finally there's Jamie Bernadette, who plays the actual love interest - because every bawdy sex comedy in truth revolves around an actual love story - of our mom-humping hero. Another relative newcomer, hopefully we'll see more of her in the future.

Now, what I'm about to say, I don't mean it as criticism, but as a compliment, I really do: I found this film to be much tamer than most other Asylum comedies, not in terms of content, but in delivery, it was more subtle with it's humor - not that it wasn't delightfully crass and lewd, there's ample cross-generational nudity, lesbian coeds, wet sports bras, nipple slips, circle-jerk jokes, requisite fist-bump explosions, ball gags, pasties, sexting, inappropriate son-mom banter, further inappropriate son-friend's mom interactions, chips, dip, chains, whips, lollipop innuendos, hernia tests administered by non-medical professionals, eastern sexual philosophy, dessert toppings, more fake boobs than a fake boob factory, unintentional threesomes (Mike Gaglio is the funniest single moment of the film), sex lies and digital video and everything else you'd hope to find in a sex comedy - the film doesn't smash you over the head with these elements, rather it weaves them into an actual story, a higher level of comedy that results in a sophisticated yet blissfully sophomoric romp that entertains and scintillates all at once.

The first observation notes I posted were for #1 Cheerleader Camp, which I began by saying I wasn't the biggest fan of Asylum comedies, and concluded by saying #1CC had caused me to reconsider that stance. With MILF, that stance is hereby reversed. I really liked this one, mostly because it really surprised me by being attentive to character and not just situation. It's a damn funny movie, not near as drastically distracting  as some other films in this vein, and ultimately a touching cautionary tale about the real-life emotional ramifications of balling your buddy's mom, or just old chicks in general. 

So, you laugh a little, learn a little, and get to see a bunch a boobs. And isn't that what the movies are all about? In my world, they are.