Sounds Like An Asylum Movie to Me

From the taxidermy bird production of Matrix Reloaded

I don't know if you guys have been checking the news out this past week, but there've been some pretty weird goings-on going on, the sort of stuff that would make Charles Fort, god rest his soul, sit up and take notice. Check this out:

• December 31st, Arkansas - thousands of red-winged blackbirds are reported to fall dead from the sky over an area roughly a square mile. No diseases are found, no toxins, only blunt force trauma as though the entire flock was started at once and flew madly into one another. Officials speculate fireworks frightened the birds.

• January 1- 5th, Brazil - 100 tons of dead fish wash ashore. As of yet, no cause has been determined.

• January 3rd, Louisiana - 500 red-winged blackbirds, starlings and sparrows are found dead on the side of the highway. No fireworks are suspected.

• January 3rd - 5th, England - 40,000 - that's not a mistype, 40,000 - small crabs wash onto the shore of the English coast, all of 'em dead. Officials suspect cold weather is the culprit. 

• January 5th, Maryland - 2 million fish go belly-up, mostly small guys but, still, 2 million of them. Again cold weather is the supposed culprit, as previous cases can be cited in the same area from 1976 and 1980. 

• January 5th, Sweden - hundreds of dead birds fall from the sky. As in Arkansas, blunt force trauma from "external blows" killed the bids. Once again they are found to be free of disease or toxin. Just beaten to death. 

•  January 5th, Kentucky - hundreds of grackles, red-winged blackbirds, robins and starlings fall dead from the sky, again disease-free and non-poisoned.

Pretty weird, right? I mean, when you put it all together, this stuff is just a couple former teen-idols short of a Saturday night on SyFy. But does it really signify the beginning of the end, the first tremors of the fabled apocalypse? Probably not. Shit, even Kirk Cameron doesn't really think so. Most likely this kind of shit goes on all the time and we just don't notice it, kinda like how you never notice how many Volkswagens there are on the road until you play punch-buggy. The only ones who should be truly nervous about these events are red-winged blackbirds; someone's really got it out for those guys.


But you see what I mean? This one could go anywhere: it could be a religious-themed end-of-days epic, a Hitchcockian creature feature about a war between birds, an eco-terror thriller, metaphysical horror, paranoid psycho-drama, bad porn, anything! Five bucks says even if it isn't The Asylum who makes this movie (and it probably won't be), you'll still see a Bird Rain or some similar shit pop up on DVD by year's end.


I'm just hoping it stars Kirk Cameron. Ooh, and whichever Baldwin got himself born again.