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Sounds Like An Asylum Film to Me

Dibs dibs dibs...that adorable-lookin' fella above you're thinking can't possibly be real is in fact very possible, very real, and very much so a script I want in my immediate future. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, that there is the first discovered CYCLOPS SHARK!!!

No shit, they pulled that thing out of the belly of a "legally caught" and pregnant dusky shark in the Gulf of California earlier this year, and after much scientific scrutiny, it was confirmed that what we have here is a 22-inch dusky shark fetus with a single, functioning eye front and center on its head. Imagine, just IMAGINE the melee that might have erupted had Clopsy up there been birthed and allowed to grow to what I can only hope would have been a colossal size.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, what advantages would a one-eyed shark have over, say, any other shark? Truthfully, probably none; truthfully, it's probably a big detriment. But I'm not in the business of truth, I'm in the "wacky concept" game, and in here, your silly, restrictive rules about biology, chemistry, physics etc, these things are Play-Doh to me: squishy, shapeable and delicious. 

In my world, of course having only one eye is an advantage: it makes for a far more adept and efficient hunter, there are redirected sensory electrodes or whatever that heighten its other senses - that's right, Cyclops Shark can smell - and maybe, just maybe, it can hone these extra-sensory skills into a beam of invisible force, like telekinesis or carbon monoxide, that shoots out of its one, large, scary eye. Maybe it's a tractor beam that pulls you in, or has a numbing effect that disables its prey from a distance. What about that, science? You didn't think about any of that, did you? No, you didn't, because to science, a cyclops shark is impossible. But in here, we've had 'em for centuries. Way to catch up, science.

Wow, that got a little off course; science and I have been at odds since middle school after a heated argument over the liklihood of Encino Man. I digress. Point is, there's a lot to be done with a cyclops shark, cinematically speaking, and I want to be the guy to do it. Gimme two weeks, 70 High Life Tallboys and "Eddie" from Family Matters and I'll give you the second-best direct-to-DVD shark film of all-time. You don't really have to ask what the best is, do you?

1 comment:

  1. Well, the one eye is just a by-product of the malformation of the brain that also causes the beast to have no growth inhibitor. So it just grows and grows to enormous size, devouring everything in its path, including whales and whole beaches of bathers!