Creature Feature: MEGA SHARK

New Column Alert! 


See, here at COMMITTED I'm waging a constant battle between my enthusiasm for Asylum films and the finite number of said films that have been made. To date, The Asylum has produced roughly 70 films, and whereas they're one of the most, if not the most, prolific studios in Hollywood, putting out a good ten or dozen a year, problem is I've already covered at least a third of these in posts or posts-in-waiting. So I gotta find other stuff to do besides just reviews, otherwise I'm going to enthusiastically write myself out of work.

Therefore I present to you COMMITTED's first Creature Feature, essentially the same thing as an Inmate Profile, but for the fact that the inmates profiled here are not human but, well, creatures. And what better creature to start things off with, what more iconic and emblematic illustration of the fine work by the fine folks at The Asylum than their greatest, most famous creation - the Mega Shark.

In his first outing for The Asylum, MS took on a merely giant octopus - in-between wreaking massive havoc on aircraft carriers, span bridges, etc. - and made a quick calamari (i know calamari is squid) of him (this is a spoiler, true, but only after the mega-spoiler of, you know, a sequel that isn't called Giant Octopus vs. Crocosaurus) - after all, what hope are tentacles against rows upon rows of razor-sharp teeth?


Let's consider the stats, culled from a combination of sources including the film itself, the venerable Wikipedia and this neat-o graphic I've posted before courtesy of Stephen Taubman (the infographics this guy creates are fucking awesome. i want to wallpaper my creepy basement with them and just geek the fuck out.): the mega shark is purported to be twice the size of the ancient megalodon, a.k.a. the biggest shark ever known. The megalodon typically came in at approximately 19 - 20 meters, or 62 - 65 feet, which would make - utilizing the breadth of my mathematical skills - our boy approximately 38 - 40 meters long, or roughly 120 -130 feet. Some other things that are roughly 120 -130 feet long: cell phone towers, thirteen-story buildings (if you can find one that will admit it), and the distance between home plate and second base on professional regulation baseball diamonds. As for weight, the megalodon tipped the scales at 100 - 120 tons, or 200,000 - 240,000 pounds. That would set MS at nearly half a million pounds, 400,000 - 480,000. Some other things totaling such a mass: 50 full-grown male African elephants, a blue whale and one calf, and 833 Andre the Giants at the time of Wrestlemania 3.

Essentially what we're dealing with here is a massive fucking eating machine capable of launching itself more than a mile into the air to take down a fully-loaded passenger jet. So suck on that, Jaws. Until they actually make a "MEG" movie (i am not counting this junk), you can forget the genetically-modified fare of Deep Blue Sea or Sharktopus, Mega Shark is the baddest thing in the water. Recognize.                                                             

But not all predators live (exclusively) in the water: on December 21, 2010, in DVD stores and cues everywhere, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus drops hard. I foresee a tougher battle for MS this go-round; the croc may have less gripping appendages, but he's got more teeth, and that vicious tail, and he can escape onto land. If he was only a supercroc, I'd say this one was in the bag, but this is a crocosaurus, implying some age and evolution to him, which always equates to primal viciousness.

For the moment, however, this marvel of biology and animation (thanks, Tiny Juggernaut!) is the king of the hill when it comes to Asylum creatures, the one to topple if you want the crown. Crocosaurus is taking his shot this Christmas. Other suckers can feel free to take a number, because, one more time, can a Crocosaurus do this?

            
Doubt it. (but i fucking hope so).