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Creature Feature: SUPERCROC

Along with sharks, crocodiles are among the oldest predators on the planet, the product of millennia upon millennia of evolution. With their surprising quickness both in the water and on land, their razor-sharp claws, jagged, piercing teeth, strong, powerful tails and near-impenetrable hides, crocodiles are also among the most formidable predators on the planet. But as tough as they are now, you should have seen the primordial version from a couple million years back; those guys were real assholes. Oh, wait, you can see one - in Supercroc.

Freed from stasis in a Pacific trench following an undersea earthquake, Supercroc, by The Asylum's own measurements, runs 50 feet long and stands 25 feet high, the rough equivalent of one double-decker bus towing another. Think about that for a second, try to conceptualize: one double-decker bus towing another. That would have to make the teeth on this fucker, like, the size of your average ten-year-old. Half a second's chew in those and you're ground chuck, no doubt. Next to this guy, you're going to look, well, as fucked as the dude below:

In terms of weight, a thing this huge - based on what I could find from prehistoric estimates and extrapolations from modern giant crocodiles - Supercroc is going to be tipping the scales at between 8 and 9 tons, or 16-18,000 pounds, the average weight of your major metropolitan area garbage truck. Might not seem like a lot, but when it's bearing down on you and snarling, I bet it feels like a lot. 

Okay, you might be thinking, so it's long, and really fucking big, really fucking heavy, but it's still an animal, just shoot the son of a bitch and be done with. Uh-uh. That hide I mentioned earlier, you do know what "impenetrable" means, right? No bullets, no mortar rounds, no everyday explosives are going to do the job against skin so think and coarse it might as well be a tank shell. Perhaps it's best understood as such: the ease with which the Supercroc could pierce your flesh? Comparatively that's how hard it would be for you to pierce his. Which is the inevitable conundrum every enemy of the Supercroc eventually has to come to terms with, best-phrased in this instance by actress Kim Little:

"For all of our advanced technology, we have not created anything that comes close to the aggression, resiliency, and overall fighting power of the ancient crocodile."

Damn right we haven't. Fucker can take a helicopter out of the air without breaking a sweat.
This is the best shot of this I could get. The point, I think, is made.

In the months and year to come, Supercroc's reign at the top of the heap, for crocodiles at least, will be called into contention via not one, but possibly two challengers: Crocosaurus, the underdog in the upcoming Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (avail 12/21/2010!!!) - some kind of dinocroc thing that isn't Dinocroc, I pray - and - depending on what the hell it is - possibly also Gatoroid from the upcoming Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. I say "possibly" because it seems Gatoroid is obviously an alligator, not a crocodile, but also maybe some sort of machine, given the "-oid" suffix. So perhaps it gets disqualified. The one thing that is certain at the moment, however, is that there isn't a badder reptile in The Asylum's menagerie, no matter how many motherfucking snakes were on that motherfucking train.

Much respect.

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