Lovely Ladies of the Asylum vol. 4

I'm not a fool, gentlemen. I know what brings you here, what lures you in, coaxes your hits, some of you at least. It isn't the snarky commentary, or the breaking news, the hard-hitting interviews or deep-digging profiles, no, it's not me at all, is it? I see the keywords from my Google hits, and I know a picture of a pretty lady brings in more readers than the phrase "observation notes." 

Not that I can blame you: The Asylum employs a score of attractive and - more importantly - capable, intelligent and talented actresses well worthy of your search engine adoration. So, to gives my readers something I know they want and would never ask for, I tastefully present a pictorial tribute to some of The Asylum's beautiful leading ladies. Enjoy.

Monique La Barr

The Terminators
Death Racers
666: The Beast
Transmorphers
The Apocalypse
Dracula's Curse
Hillside Cannibals

Amelia Jackson Gray

Journey to the Center of the Earth
Dragon
Halloween Night
Snakes on a Train

Alexandra Boylan
 
Transmorphers
The Hitchhiker
Pirates of Treasure Island

Elissa Dowling

Death Racers
Transmorphers
Dracula's Curse

Maura Murphy

MILF
#1 Cheerleader Camp
Sex Pot   

Caroline Attwood

Journey to the Center of the Earth
Death Racers

observation notes: Journey to the Center of the Earth

One of three adaptations of the Jules Verne classic to come out in the same 18-month period - the other two being the Brendan Fraser 3D event and the Ricky Schroeder non-event - The Asylum gives it their own special twist.

Okay, so, here we go: Greg Evigan is some kind of stargate scientist or something, and in the process of beaming an elite military unit composed entirely of hot chicks, somehow the calibrations go wrong and they end up in the center of the Earth, a lush, prehistoric landscape. So Evigan has to track down his ex-wife, the delightful DeeDee Pfeiffer, who just happens to be developing a miracle laser-digger. As if this string of coincidences wasn't enough, one of the members of the hot-chick military unit is DeeDee's sister (who in real life is Evigan's daughter!!)! Da-da-dummmmmm!

Fast-paced, exciting and endearing thanks laregly to the two leads. Greg Evigan hasn't aged a day or lost an ounce of charm since "My Two Dads," and DeeDee Pfeiffer, as usual, showcases the same comedic/dramatic skills that made Cameron Diaz a star, with a dash of frenetic obsessiveness that made Crispin Glover so creepy. How's that for a mash-up? Notable among the hot chicks are the aforementioned Evigan daughter, Vanessa Lee (other daughter Brianna is of Step Up 2, S. Darko and Sorority Row fame) and Caroline Attwood, the female reporter from Death Racers, who thankfully gets a lot more screen time here (she's kinda hot is why the "thankfully").

Two quotes best sum up this experience, which truthfully I enjoyed more than the big screen epic, and certainly more than the Ricky Schroeder shit-bomb:

"Wait a minute; why would a tyrannosaurus be here in the first place?"

AND

"All right you bitch hag, let's do this...AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"