observation notes: Halloween Night

This film is based on the same true story that inspired John Carpenter's slasher-classic Halloween: the story of a kid who witnesses the brutal murder of his mother, gets committed to an insane asylum, then escapes years later on Halloween night, no longer a kid, but instead a big, angry, murderous psycho, a hundred times worse than the creep who did in his mom. Evil is exponential, people; just sayin'.

So a tie-in of sorts, The Asylum's take involves a gang of nubile and beefy post-teens who find themselves one All Hallow's Eve as the intended targets of a homicidal psycho's reign of terror when they decide to throw a costumed bash in the psycho's old house. The requisite bloodshed and nudity ensues. And how!

A handful of Asylum old-school regulars appear in this one, including Erica Roby, Rebekah Kochan, Amanda Ward, Derek Osedach and Born Bad writer/director Jared Cohn; let's break these performances down one at a time:

Rebekah Kochan (Pirates of Treasure Island, When a Killer Calls) as female lead "Shannon" is equally sweet and sultry, straddling the line between victim and heroine like she was walking a tightrope in the circus. I like to think of her as Ashley Tisdale meets Brittany Snow, but with, you know, soul.

Erica Roby (Invasion of the Pod People, Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers) plays a libidinous, confidant lesbian seductress of some experience consumed with coaxing a comely newbie, played by Amanda Ward. It's a brave and bold performance for Ms. Roby, and all nudity and girl-on-girl smooches aside, it really is the best I've seen her perform: she's powerful here, brash and curt, unapologetically empowered, and it suits her. 

Ms. Ward (Legion of the Dead, King of the Lost World) as the above-mentioned comely newbie to lesbianism tackles her role with believable hesitancy, and even more believable eagerness.

Male lead Derek Osedach - an Asylum regular in front of the camera (Snakes on a Train, Pirates of Treasure Island, When a Killer Calls) and behind it (line producer on Pirates... and Dracula's Curse, second assistant director When a Killer Calls and Exorcism...) comes off a little scatterbrained and erratic, jumping in a little early on cues, but that may be his interpretation of the character and not a question of chops. To his credit, he does make the perfect too-cool-for-school dude you're dying to see...well...die.

And Jared Cohn (here billed as Jared Michaels)(Alien Abduction, Way of the Vampire) as rocker Daryll is appropriately cocksure, delightfully dopey, and gently aggressive, all while sporting a thoughtfully-nonchalant swagger and great hair. One would guess from his spirited performance that Mr. Cohn had a lot of fun with this role; I certainly had fun watching him.

Other cast standouts include Amelia Jackson-Gray, Nicholas Daly Clark, Sean Dury and Alicia Klein.

When all was said and killed, I found this film to be pretty faithful to both the root true story and the better-known cinematic version, right down to the white mask, though the killer's get-up here truthfully  reminded me more of Frankenstein from Deathrace 2000 than Michael Meyers. The script (penned by Michael Gingold - Leeches - from a story by David Michael Latt) was pretty elaborate for a straight-up slasher flick, with more twists than I was expecting. The kills were inventive, the pacing adequate, and the story had a classic feel to it; I was expecting a tangential tie-in, just an excuse to get a bunch of pretty young folk naked and killed, but this film retained it's timeless feel, though with modern murder sequences to satisfy the gorehounds. Halloween Night was directed - as usual with frightening deftness - by the great Mark Atkins.

I had a lot of fun watching this one, and the ensemble cast is one of the best I've seen from The Asylum. And if all the above isn't enough to convince you to see it, perhaps my final sentence, below, will:

By the way, the topless-lesbian-vs-serial-killer-punch-out scene is one of the most awesome things I've ever seen in a direct-to-DVD film. I'm serious - it's Hall of Fame shit.

Enjoy!

Lovely Ladies of the Asylum vol. 3

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observation notes: When A Killer Calls

This one's gonna be brief. I'll be the first to admit I have questionable taste, at best, and truly do enjoy reveling in the films others deem "B" or "crap," but there's some stuff even I won't watch. Japanese Horror movies give me the deep-down, soul-resounding heebie-jeebies; melodramatic cancer films make me shiver like a newborn; Dane Cook causes me to spontaneously projectile vomit. But if there's one thing I just really can't watch, it's torture porn. That shit just freaks me out. It's sensational - not in a good way - and glorifies things that, well, are fucking weird and creepy, especially when you throw in the "porn" label, as though people get off on it. "Torture porn;" it's just ick to me (that's not a typo; i meant "ick," not "sick"). And though it might be a harsh term to apply here, the majority of this film is about as close to torture porn as you get, I imagine. I wouldn't know, honestly, I don't watch torture porn. Have I made that clear enough?

Thing is, I'm already a paranoid, skeptical, mentally unbalanced hypochondriac; I am fully aware that our world is overrun with perverts, maniacs, delusional, desperate and morally bankrupt cretins who mean me harm. I get it, I really do. So when I sit down for a good scare, I want the emphasis, in the end, on good and not scare. If I want to experience a horror that lingers, I'll watch the news. Because I like my horror fantastic - made-up, implausible, with the good kind of nudity - not brutally realistic. I have enough trouble sleeping.

So, whether this movie is good or not, I'm admitting I can't give you a complete review because I couldn't finish it. Not a commentary on the filmmaking or performances - I want to make that clear - this is purely a topic thing. I can tell you that lead Rebekah Kochan (Pirates of Treasure Island, Halloween Night, Freakshow) is ridiculously and uncomfortably convincing as the babysitting target, and madman Mark Irvingsen (Scarecrow Slayer) is more than an appropriate choice for the role. But honestly, this is such a hackneyed and often-visited idea to begin with; even the beauty of Camilla Belle couldn't make a big-budget remake palatable. So what was the hope here? Well, apparently the hope was to lure in those who thought the Hollywood version could have done with a touch more bondage. And by "a touch," I mean "a shitload."

To each his own, but this wasn't mine. However, to the film's credit, from what I saw, if you do go in for this sort of thing, you probably won't be disappointed with When a Killer Calls. From Peter Mervis, director of Snakes on a Train, another film I had trouble watching, again, not because of the film, but because of the topic; I'm ophidiophobic as a motherfucker.

observation notes: Pirates of Treasure Island

What we have here is a rare and elusive thing, a thing of which until now only rumors have existed, a thing such as the Minotaur or the Loch Ness monster, more myth than reality, yet here it is, in all its shimmering uniquity: The Asylum PG(at least in Canada) picture! 

(WTF to the WTF power!?!?)

Okay, so maybe I'm going a little over the top, but there's something about watching weeks' worth of brutal horror, gory sci-fi, boob-y adventures and whatnot then suddenly switching to something tween appropriate; it's as jarring as walking in on your grandparents, but...opposite. I digress (too much).

This one's a double tie-in, tapping into the pirate popularity resurgence kicked into high gear by Keith Richards and the X-Pensive Winos, but also going to a source of sorts, the original pirate blockbuster, Robert Louis Stevenson's "Treasure Island." Either way Disney's calling their lawyers.

Of course The Asylum puts their twist on things: in this version it's young Jim Hawkins (Tom Nagel) who's the treasure hunter, and Long John Silver (Lance Henriksen) is nothing more than a scurvied bilge-rat of a mutineer and privateer with designs of his own on Master Hawkins' treasure. See, as the opening scene shows us, Long John's been on that island before, and not only does it hold great treasure, but also great peril in the form of things Mysterious, Jules Verne Mysterious, not the man, but...shit, this is getting convoluted, even for me; the island has a bunch of big insects on it, like the titular island of Jules Verne's "Mysterious Island." There we go.

So the men set sail, Jim above and Long John below, Jim's lady (Rebekah Kochan) secretly stowed away on board - for spoiler reasons I shan't mention - avoiding detection beneath an oversized coat and a tri-corner hat from under which only a few flaxen ringlets spill. What beautiful lady?

And the lady's just the first of the spoilers that start to unravel once Jim and Long John are finally on the high seas, and L.J.'s set his plan in motion. If that seems fast, it's because this one only clocks in at 80 minutes, a good 100 less than your average Johnny Depp seafarer.

Pirates was written in part and directed in full by - here's a familiar name - Leigh Scott, who though he produced some less-than-fluid fight scenes, managed the chaos and ribald choreography of pirates a'pirating with aplomb. As for the performances, Tom Nagel (Hillside Cannibals, The Apocalypse) was plenty heroic if a little plain-faced, the kind of actor you know considers Chris Evans and Sam Worthington role models, or at least templates. He was the only one who seemed to remember the era the film was supposed to be set in, and as such he stood out, which wasn't always a positive thing. Lance H. (Da Vinci Treasure, "Millennium") as Long John Silver was just plain fun to watch; his pure, animal intensity oddly works in this softer-than-usual setting. It's almost like he thinks he's in a comedy, which amused the shit out of me. The standout, however, for me at least, was the aforementioned Ms. Kochan (When a Killer Calls, Freakshow), who plays the pub-wench-love-interest with secrets to hide very effectively, very...wenchful: buxom, blond and grizzled, the kind of gal who could kick your ass just by thinking about, and look damn fine doing it.

Bottom line, Pirates... is a lighthearted and spry action-adventure, an equal balance of mirth and mortality. As for the PG rating, it's certainly not inappropriate for kids by any means, but, I mean, I wouldn't let my kid see it unless that kid was 10 or so, but I don't have a kid, I have a cat, so what the fuck do I know? Nothing, that's what. But some scenes still might be too intense for younger viewers, especially those afraid of loud noises, large insects, or creepy old dudes (sorry Lance, but you scare children, you know you do.).