BIKINI SPRING BREAK Gets a Poster! PLUS 3 New Titles Listed!!!

From something so spectacularly titled as Bikini Spring Break, one should be able to expect a scintillatingly straight-forward poster; thank god the guys at The Asylum always deliver...

Behold:

Ta-da! One guaranteed hit, courtesy of writer/director Jared Cohn (Born Bad), The Asylum, and whoever the marketing genius is who designs their posters. I work in a really large independent video store, and with two dozen or more direct-to-DVD flicks clogging the New Release section every week, I know a standout when I see it, and believe me, this baby's gonna move.

Lead the pack yourself when Bikini Spring Break, starring Robert "Revenge of the Nerds" Carradine and a bevy of beautiful actresses, hits DVD shelves both actual and virtual on June 26th. 

But wait, there's just a little bit more. Though there's no real information on them as yet, in the Coming Soon bar in the bottom right corner of The Asylum's homepage, three new titles have been mentioned, and this only days after learning about Alien Origin and Adopting Terror: Haunting of Whaley House, Super Cyclone and Golden Winter. 

Haunting, I know, involves a real haunted location in San Diego; Super Cyclone I can hazard a guess as to what it's about, but Golden Winter has me stumped. A global-warming disaster flick? Treasure-hunting holiday fare? A truly raunchy sexcapade? Only time and The Asylum will tell, and when they do, rest assured I'll share it here. Either way, though, 2012 is really shaping up to be a massive year for everyone's favorite independent studio.

Celebrity Sex Tape Gets a Poster!!!

Today the fine folks over at The Asylum revealed the poster for their next sex farce, Celebrity Sex Tape:

Pretty standard poster, white background a la all Asylum comedy posters, and plenty of titillating promise. In case you forgot, this is the premise:

A group of college nerds secretly record a washed up celebrity having sex and post the tape on the internet. When the publicity revives the actress's career, every B-list celebrity, reality show reject, and celebutante in Hollywood want to star in the guys next "production."


Rrrrrracy...the film - directed by Scott Wheeler (MILF) from a script by Jonny Haug, Pat Sheehan and Matt Short and starring Jack Cullison, Emily Addison, Jonathan Brett, Colbert Alembert, Howard Cai, Andre Meadows and Julie Barzman - hits DVD on February 14th, 2012, making it next year's perfect Valentine's gift.

Holy Crap!!! A Haunting in Salem Gets a Poster and First Stills!

Man oh man oh man oh man...here I am so in the midst of preparing for tonight's Almighty Thor blog that I almost missed this...The Asylum has put up the first stills and the poster for A Haunting in Salem 3D!!!

The poster is above and the stills can be seen here, and from the looks of everything, director Shane Van Dyke and principle cast members Bill Oberst Jr, Nicholas Harsin, jenna Stone and Courtney Abbiati are doing an awesome job! The image on the poster I want tattooed, full-color on my back, and the stills from this scare the shit out of me, and I wrote the script!

A Haunting in Salem drops on DVD August 23rd, aka the Best Day Ever.

Barely Legal Gets a Poster!

After Almighty Thor, then Ballistica, then 2012: Ice Age, The Asylum's next film will be the super sexy comedy Barely Legal, starring relative newcomers Jeneta St. Clair, Melissa Johnson and Lisa Younger, and directed by Jose Montesinos from a script by Naomi Selfman (#1 Cheerleader Camp, 18 Year-Old Virgin).

The film concerns three lifelong female BFFs (played by the above-mentioned triumvirate of hotties) who attempt to do the impossible: lose their virginity.

Anywho, this certain laugh-riot finally got its poster, and here it is:

 

Love that tag line. If you can't read it, it says: "Presents Aren't The Only Thing They're Unwrapping." I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I think the other thing these scantily-clad women are meant to be unwrapping are prophylactics. If so, kudos: there's nothing sexier than being safe.

Find out if these three social misfits can pop their collective cherry this summer, July 26th, to be precise, when Barely Legal delights your DVD player.

Almighty Thor Poster is Here!

The poster for Almighty Thor just debuted over at The Asylum site, and it's looking pretty rad. That's our Thor, Cody Deal swinging what is easily the biggest freakin' Mijollnir I've ever seen. And I don't know what the hell that dusty-lizard-looking-thing to the left of the poster is, but I hope there are at least a couple of them in the movie. 

Almighty Thor, which was written by Eric Mega Piranha Forsberg and directed by Christopher Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus Ray, and co-stars the great Richard Grieco and the formidable Kevin Nash, debuts on DVD Tuesday, May 10th, 2011. 

Anneliese Gets a Title, Poster and Page!

We already knew The Asylum moves fast, but their latest release is taking the cake: announced only yesterday, the found-footage project centering around German girl Anneliese Michel now has an official title, a poster, and a page on The Asylum site!

The official title is: Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes, and the release date is less than two weeks away, March 1st. 

As I mentioned yesterday, the film is based upon found-footage of the actual exorcisms of Anneliese Michel, the German teen who claimed to be possessed by demons and died as a result of her exorcisms. What we have here are purported to be the actual tapes - actual, not "actual" - of portions of these exorcisms, which if that's in fact what they are, would be an amazingly skin-crawling look into this riveting and terrifying bit of history. But of course, the skeptic in me is keeping on eye on the possibility that this is just a shrewdly marketed Gacy House Redux. 

Either way, we're getting a new Asylum title, and sooner than we thought! Not this Tuesday but the Tuesday after, Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes will be in our greedy little hands. Praise the Lord! Oh...errr...yeah.

200 MPH Gets a Poster!

And here it is! 

Not more than a week has passed since we first got the details of the latest Asylum production to be announced, and already the poster has been published on the film's info page. I love the colors, the skyscraper background and the hint of sensuality embodied by the single female leg. Cars, night, and short-skirted women - three things dear to every bad boy. 200 MPH drops April 26th, and with a poster already up, shouldn't be too long before we see some set photos.

1st Furry Valentine Back to Being Princess and the Pony - And Gets a Poster

Things have come full circle, title-wise, in regards to The Asylum's first foray into family filmmaking: what began as Princess and the Pony changed it's name to 1st Furry Valentine (presumably for the same reason Moby Dick had a 2010 in front of it) but now has changed its named back to Princess and the Pony. Plus, they've given us a poster that appeals to every single 8 year old girl in the world: a princess in a pink dress, a pony, and a cute little dog, just to top things off.


I think this is a good move. I'm a big supporter of thwarting traditional ordering and placement techniques by prefixing titles with numbers, but in this one it never really made sense. First of all, the arrangement of words in the former title sounds kinda, well, kinda lewd, quite frankly, like, you know, this isn't a family film at all but a raucous sex comedy about a young man's first experiments with a trendy kink. And I'm sure that inference says more about me than it does the fine, chaste folks at The Asylum, but it rubbed me the wrong way (ew.). Secondly, while it might be biologically accurate, I don't think of horses as furry, I just don't. Rabbits are furry; bears are furry; chinchillas are furry; horses... horses are, I don't know, too slick to be furry. That adjective never worked for me. 

Anywho, bottom line, this name change is, I think, a good thing, and is sure to detract hater critics from being able to make the same lewd jokes I just did. The difference? I do it out of love, mad, crazy love. So skip over to the webpage for this one if you need an update on the synopsis. Princess and the Pony, written by Rachel Lee Goldenberg & Bill Parker and directed by Goldenberg, comes to DVD January 25, 2011.

 

Mega Shark Rip-off SUPERSHARK Gets Poster & a Trailer

Those in-the-know folks over at the awesome site killerfilm.com today revealed the new poster and trailer for Supershark (or Super Shark Attack, depending on where you read it), the competing giant-shark pic against Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus:

Maybe it's just me, but I think the shark looks like it's carved out of a potato, some bizarre artifact of a long-lost whittling art movement popularized in one mountain chain or another during the long, slow days of Prohibition. But again, maybe just me.

If there was ever a time to use the line, "This time, it's personal," this would be the time: Supershark is directed by noted filmmaker Fred Olen Ray; Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus is directed by his son, Christopher Ray. No release date yet for this one, but check out the trailer over at Killerfilm, and note the gratuitous use of Sarah Lieving!

This stuff comes to Killerfilm courtesy of the ongoing American Film Market in Santa Monica; hopefully before it wraps up we'll get our first MSvC trailer. Less than two months to go!

So Much New Stuff I Can Hardly Keep Up

Jeez I'm getting run ragged this week with breaking Asylum news. But, really, who am I to complain? I love this fucking stuff.

Which means I especially love this report from Killer Film about the recent American Film Market conference at which our favorite movie studio released three posters for upcoming films not listed anywhere on their website. The first is the well-known and frequently referenced (here) Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, the poster of which can be seen in the post before. But beyond this,  the article also reveals two new projects I've heard nothing about, and provides no information whatsoever besides the posters. One is The Almighty Thor, an obvious tie-in to the impending Marvel pic, not to be confused with SyFy original "Hammer of the Gods," in which the follically-gifted son of Odin was portrayed by Tim Allen's oldest boy Brad from "Home Improvement." The other film noted is called 2012 Ice Age, the third film with that prefix (behind Doomsday and Apocalypse). 

IMDB has nothing for either of these, nor does the trusty intraweb other than more references to this same story. But some news is still good news, especially when it's about new Asylum flicks coming down the pipe.

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid Poster Revealed

So, only days after the release of the utterly awesome Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus poster, The Asylum has dropped an equally amazing if not  - dare I say it? - more amazing poster for the most eagerly anticipated film of 2011, the Debbie-Gibson-Tiffany catfight vehicle Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. 

 

Even without the starring beauties on the cover (the human beauties, I mean), this is a pretty spectacular image (courtesy of JoBlo.com ). If the movie contains even one scene like this - plus that catfight - I've already gotten my money's worth. One detail worth noting, this is the first look we've had at the Gatoroid, and as it appears, at least, doesn't seem to be robotic, cyborgian, or in any way mechanical. If anything, it looks vaguely Crocosaurusish, but that's splitting hairs, I'm sure. No date on this one other than early 2011, but it's a SyFy debut, so rest assured there will be mad publicity surrounding this one. Enjoy!

 

Nope, THIS is the Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus Poster!

And it exceeds my wildest dreams. Look at that ferocity, that chaos, that carnage. The only thing I have issue with is the tagline, because from the looks of this, whatever the end result, everybody wins. 

This future classic drops December 21st of this year. Anyone who's keeping score, I'll take a mega-sized poster of this in my stocking.

Is this the Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus poster? UPDATED 10/20/10

This image has been popping up in a couple places online over the last few days, accompanying articles about the new production stills from Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, which recently entered post-production. Now, The Asylum has nothing up on their site, poster-wise, and while this bears a remarkable resemblance to the Mega Shark vs. Gigantosaurus poster that went online after flirting around in Cannes this year, I'm not sure if I believe it's the real deal, and not just some photoshop tampering.

Either way, though, it's a cool design and perfectly in theme with the rest of The Asylum's artwork. So real or not, it fulfills the duty of any good poster: it gets your heart racing for the feature.

****so I was wrong, and this is the actual poster, released today, 10/20/10