Sounds Like an Asylum Movie to Me

So, the above image was captured by the Hubble telescope last week, and is assumed to be a green cloud of gas illuminated by a quasar that blinked out of existence some 200,000 years ago. 

The object, given the catchy moniker Hanny's Voorwerp (which sounds more like a top-shelf expenditure in Amsterdam's Red Light District than an astronomical anomaly), is said to be the size of our own Milky Way galaxy, and composed of a 300,000 light-year-long stream of gas. The glowing part is supposedly oxygen, and this nebulous nebula is, by current calculations, 650 million light years from our peaceful planet. So even if it was dangerous - which officials insist it is not - it wouldn't reach Earth for several, several, several lifetimes.

Yeah right.

That's exactly what they would say, isn't it? Of course it's just gas, of course it's harmless, of course it's too far away to be dangerous. Let me pose a question: if this thing's moving so slow, where was it the day before you discovered it? It's green and glowing and 300 thousand light-years long, not exactly the kind of thing that creeps up on you. For all we know, this thing leaps light-years like lily pads and it's just resting up between jumps.  

And maybe I'm being paranoid, maybe I've been influenced by too many science-fiction films, but since when is a glowing green cloud from deep space the size of our galaxy not considered dangerous? Nothing the size of our galaxy is harmless. Blue whales are supposed to be docile things as well; try dropping one on your house. Docile or not, big shit causes damage. 

from www.longhousestudios.com

Of course it's coming for us, this strange radiation cloud, this cosmic dragon that as we pass through it will incinerate everything that crosses its green, glowing line, unless a team of crack scientists can find a way to reflect or some other way thwart the cloud from causing the whole planet to combust. 

And every team needs a leader, preferably a bit of a maverick, a brilliant and well-educated, vastly-experienced rogue who plays by his own rules, isn't afraid to take a risk, and in the end cares more about survival and discovery than fame and fortune. Ooh, ooh, and his ex-wife should be involved. James Van Der Beek and Kristen Miller were born to play these roles, born I say!

Round out the team with a couple of technicians/specialists, roles for folks like Kim Little, Jude Gerard-Prest, Jay Gillespie, Erica Duke, that sort of crew, and maybe even a two-man astronaut crew, valiant martyrs for the greater good, played by Rhett Giles and Griff Furst, just for old time's sake.

Stranger films have been made, but not much stranger things have been discovered.

Asylum Should-Stars #2

Here at Committed, I'm always looking for ways to prolong my love affair with Asylum blogging. I've done inmate profiles - spotlights on Asylum personnel - and I've done pitches - shameless attempts to get hired in marketing/development - but now, I'm melding the best of these features into one, amalgamated column: the awkwardly-named Asylum Should-Stars, in which I present actors/actresses/other cultural figures I think would make lovely additions to the Asylum's stable of performers. More mindless fun to wile away your workday! Let's dive right in, shall we?

NAME(s): Gary Riley (L) and Dean Cameron (R)

BEST KNOWN FOR: playing the horror-film-infatuated comedic duo "Chainsaw and Dave" in the 1987 Carl Reiner classic, Summer School.

PLAYS: I think the above sentence pretty much clarifies that, but to simplify: lovable geeks smarter than they perform and borderline-autistic in their focus.

COULD BE CAST AS: a pair of roadside attraction/amusement park/sketchy traveling carnival owners, or a pair of oddly homo-erotic serial killers, or even a highly-successful filmmaking team, Dave the writer and Chainsaw the director. Horror, Comedy

NAME: Kristen Miller

BEST KNOWN FOR: playing "Princess Stevenson" on "That's My Bush!", "D.D." on "She Spies," and as the voice of "Lisa" in Team America: World Police.

PLAYS: ditsy/naive good girls on the surface with a hidden well of strength, independence and sass. Think of her as DeeDee Pfeiffer but a dozen years younger (not that age matters, it's just a reference point).

COULD BE CAST AS: any leading female role in any sort of film. Ms. Miller has proven herself a capable action heroine, an identifiably beleaguered victim in horror films, and a sharp, endearing comedic ace, as well as being cute to a point of ridiculous sexiness. The only thing it seems she hasn't done is a sci-fi/disaster flick; ball's in your court, Asylum. Comedy, Horror, Action, Disaster, Sci-Fi, Family

NAME:  Kristine DeBell

BEST KNOWN FOR: being a Playboy centerfold, "Alice in Wonderland" adult entertainer, and the cutest chick in the funniest movie ever, Meatballs. 

PLAYS: good girls gone really, really bad; star-eyed nymphets; girls-next-door that make you want to never leave home.

COULD BE CAST AS: should The Asylum ever throw its hat into the summer-camp-comedy ring (which I think they should), Ms. DeBell would be the perfect cameo, much like the use of Charlene Tilton in #1 Cheerleader Camp. Otherwise, I have a feeling Ms. DeBell would suit any comedy just fine. And, as she hasn't worked since 1990, she's nice and primed for a career resurrection.  


There you have it. Thoughts? Disagreements? Suggestions?