Lovely Ladies of the Asylum vol. 3

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observation notes: 2012 Doomsday

The Asylum has done a few apocalypse films at this point; they've even done a couple of films with 2012 in the title. But this particular film, distributed by The Asylum's Christian off-shoot Faith Films ("wait..." you're thinking, "Christian off-shoot? WTF?" Marketplace people, you've got to know the marketplace, and currently it's filled with 250,000,000 Christians, so...), so you know in addition to action, intrigue and chaotic destruction, you're also going to be getting a healthy dose of sermonizin'. I mean, for Chr- for Pete's sake, the marker on the title menu is a cross. No veils here, people, just sayin'.

Anywho, this film's another take on the popular Mayan prophecy that ends with, well, the world ending, kind of like Roland Emmerich's 2012, but released two years prior, so this one isn't exactly a tie-in as much as it is a stand-alone, action-packed, fanatic and fundamentalist sci-fi epic. The film opens in Mexico, naturally, with only "36 hours before Doomsday," as text reveals. Foreshadowing. There, volcanic eruptions are freaking out American seismologists (including Dale Midkiff and Caroline Amiguet) who can't figure why the Earth is being torn apart. The answer, pieced together by them and us, has something to do with a crucifix found buried in a Mayan temple. Jump to a team of scientists back in the states (lead by Cliff De Young) who puts this conundrum into words by hypothesizing the destruction is being caused by the slowing rotation of the planet due to an alignment with a black hole at the center of our galaxy (that's verbatim, so if it doesn't make sense, don't shoot the messenger), the bottom line being: how the fuck do you stop that?

This premise laid out, the various characters and storylines begin to settle into place: the team of scientists, the seismologists, a dashing photojournalist and a missionary (who happens to be Cliff De Young's character's daughter, played by the always delightful Danae Nason), and a precognitive holy image scribbler/EMT and her very zealous mother. Together this cast forms the five points of a star at the center of this film's universe, their connections slowly coming to light (sorry, all the religious rhetoric has me feeling a little elegiac).

Anyway, the scientists learn that whatever's happening, it will continue to happen until, well, until shit's just gone. Along the path to utter destruction, we're presented with all angles of human perspective on religion: the fervent, the logical, the skeptical, the outright disbelieving, et cetera. As such, there's a lot of talking for a supposed action film, and it's all pretty pointed. If you're one of those sorts who can't hear any religious conversation without getting worked up one way or the other, maybe skip this; but if you can (not) believe and let (not) believe, it's a pretty entertaining film, especially as it's not as fatalistic as Emmerich's 2012, where shit's going down no matter what - there's a chance to save the world here, somewhat literal, this savior, but it can cosmically cease the planetary destruction, taking a little of the edge off.

The above-mentioned perspectives are played out through the various characters' various and interwoven stories, much like Deep Impact or Independence Day, and as each progresses, attitudes are validated or changed by the global, unimaginable destruction, mounting towards a blissfully uplifting and faith-affirming ending.

2012 Doomsday was written and directed by Nick Everhart, and shot by the ever-present Mark Atkins. Stars De Young and Midkiff (both from something called the "Love" series, a few TV movies starring Katherine Heigl before we had to like her) are "stars" here the way Bruce Davison and Brooke Burns are "stars" of Titanic II: they're names, so they get the billing, when it's really the smaller names, the lesser-knowns, who carry the film. Notable among these lesser-knowns (only to some - the "lesser-known" part, not the "notable" part) is, as mentioned, Ms. Nason as the missionary, who in a reversal from the slutty office-mate she played in Pod People proves just how good an actress she is, such range, and Ami Dolenz (She's Out of Control, Ticks, Monkee Mickey Dolenz' loins), who it was nice to see again. I think the last time I saw her she was in some Witchboard shit. She's aged really well, still cute as a button, which makes her hardships that much more empathetic even though the drama is kind of out of her reach. Who cares, right? Cute blond girls do no wrong. Truthfully, however, things might have worked better with Ms. Dolenz as the wide-eyed missionary and Ms. Nason as the hardened, atheistic EMT. And Caroline Amiguet, she just looks like a French Kristin Wiig.

Overall, the FX were okay, reminiscent - loosely - of the other 2012. The script is a little heavy-handed from a secular point of view, but the secular point of view isn't the intended perspective at all. Maybe too many characters and stories for an 85 minute film, as not all were as fleshed out as I would have liked, but this one's all about the message, not the messengers. Neat but not great, I'd say, acknowledging, again, that I'm not at all the intended audience. From what I've seen of other such films, however, this one's above par. Bottom line, if you ain't in the fold, bring a big ole grain of salt with you to this one; either way, you'll be entertained, and isn't that the point?

observation notes: Invasion of the Pod People

How do you scold your favorite child? Probably not publicly, as I'm about to do. But some things...

They should have known better. It isn't The Asylum's fault, necessarily, that the concept of this film, at this point in the history of cinema, is trite and rehashed to fucking death. They were just doing their jobs, the fine folks at The Asylum, they were just giving us what we want, a low budget, boob-and-blow-up-heavy version of a Hollywood blockbuster, in this case Invasion, starring the spirit that inhabits Nicole Kidman's body and the last guy to ever play James Bond. Not the first time this film's been straight-up remade, Invasion was the fourth incarnation, behind Kevin McCarthy in the 1956 version, Donald Sutherland in the Philip Kaufman-directed 1978 version, and the lovely Gabrielle Anwar starring for Abel Ferrara in 1993's abbreviated Body Snatchers. Not to mention the dozens of times it's basic premise - alien seeds come to Earth by one means or another, then slowly begin to infiltrate the citizenry, passing as the people they've killed or, the bodies they've snatched - has been pilfered.

A sidenote here to say I'm somewhat surprised The Asylum passed up an opportunity to use the word "snatch" or any of its derivations in the title. Especially as the film's pretty much lesbian sci-fi erotica.

Set among the world of D-list talent representation, our first introduction to lead actress Erica Roby (Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers, Halloween Night, The Hitchhiker) is her being getting taken (invaded) from behind by some middle-aged dude against a big picture window. This is how they start the movie, figuring perhaps since the rest of it's not going to be that entertaining, they'd better throw in the promise of nudity right at the get-go with some, well, nudity. There are a few scenes between Miss Roby and this geezer, as well as Miss Roby and another miss, but all share the same sense of posed awkwardness and sheer lack of sensuality. She says it herself, in referencing her affair with the old guy, "It's weird." It really is Erica, and I wish there wasn't so much of it. Did you hear that? Did you hear what you just made me do? You made me openly wish for a lack of nudity and sexual situations in a film. Me. That's just fucking ridiculous.

The main nexus for the pod persons' invasion seems to be Miss Roby and associates' office, which in an attempt to look industrial-modern looks like the inside of a steam ship, an actual, working steam ship. It is here that the hot-lesbian boss brings each of her underlings ginger root plants that will inevitably impregnate, devour and replace them all. The lovely and sassy Danae Nason - the film's brightest spot - describes it best, and by "best" I mean the best she can: "It's one of those trendy, new things, it's Chinese or Japanese or some feng shui bullshit." Nicely said. The fact that the original giver of of this gift, this alien seed, was a porn star the agency was trying to sign, leaves a bad taste in my mouth, much like alien seed (note the lack of "must" after "seed." Eyes up people.).

At some point in the film the cops come to Miss Roby, or she goes to them, somehow she becomes the got-to for info on the invasion. I went to the bathroom for a few minutes, made another drink, missed some stuff, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter.

Jesus. Okay. This review is becoming as big a clusterfuck as the movie was. There's just so much insane shit going on at once here, it's hard to explain it coherently, because this shit just isn't coherent. I love you, Asylum, god know I do, but this shit was too much. The acting wasn't great, saved only, as I mentioned, by sultry snarkstress Nason; Miss Roby's character was too doe-eyed, too fresh-off-the-bus-and-fucking-anything-that's-nice-to-her, and Miss Roby's portrayal of her was one-note and phoned-in, as if she couldn't be bothered. I know she's alumnae, but still. And the production values lacked a little as well, especially the sound. But despite all this, it was still a better film than Invasion. There was the ample nudity - which though it may have been a bit too much and non sequitur for me, I realize it's a plus for others - and the, uh, the, well, umm...nope, pretty much the nudity is all this one's got going for it. And there really is a lot of it. At one point a lesbian orgy factors into the invasion, don't really get that one, but who cares, right? I should have put that in the post heading: "Lesbian Orgy Factors Into Invasion." More of a CHUD headline, really though.

There were however a couple of quotes that elicited a genuine laugh from me:

"She's a porn star."
"Well she's a porn star who's sucking the right cock!"

and

"Are you familiar with guns at all?"
"No."
"Maybe you should think about a shotgun."

But the quote I most identified with came the morning after Miss Roby's first lesbian encounter, with her boss no less: "What did I do last night?"

I asked the same question this morning, unable to look my DVD player in the eyes.