observation notes: Transmorphers: Fall of Man

This is not, as it is supposed by many to be, a sequel to Transmorphers; it is, in fact, a prequel set in the modern era, a harbinger to the events that become the basis for the dystopia of the first film. Unbeknown to mankind, the transmorphers - alien robots able to "transmorph" themselves into everyday mechanical and technological apparati like all variety of vehicles, satellite dishes, cell phones, you name it - have been living quietly among us for decades, silent observers, researchers, biding their time until the opportune moment when invasion is ripe. That time, as the box warns us, "is here."

It's not really fair to compare the two films in this mini-franchise. Writer-director Leigh Scott's film - the first one - was a dark, futuristic, bleak war film, the events contained therein not disasters but battles, while this time around - written by Committed-fave and multiple-Looney-Award-nominee Shane Van Dyke and directed by Scott (Journey to the Center of the Earth, MILF) Wheeler - the result is more similar to the feel of Transformers or even Terminator Salvation in that the battles here are more intimate, still within the realm of the individual, and furthermore, nothing has yet been lost, hope isn't something that has to be regained, it is still what fuels mankind. And while, as I said, it isn't fair to compare the two films, as they really are drastically different from the get-go, and while I have nothing but respect for the first film, if I was forced at gunpoint to choose between the two, I'd probably have to sling my allegiance to this film, the second one (that's really happening before the first one), because I felt the difference in setting - temporally-speaking, our time versus a distant future - made me feel closer to story. This is strictly a personal preference, I'm admitting that, but me, I like my apocalypses close to home, I like to watch my world start to fall apart as opposed to a distant world I have no relation to; it makes the tension more tangible, the consequences more palpable. And here, I felt more a part of the action, like it was my world being fought for, not my grandkids'. Screw those ungrateful brats.

The FX this time around were provided by the fine folks at Tiny Juggernaut, and, as a result, were pretty bitchin'. The transmorphers themselves were seamless, more than realistic and larger than life, effortlessly integrated into the visual fabric of the film and rendered as no less real than the cast of human characters. They were sleek, slick, harsh but visually understandable, as opposed to, say, the robots in the Michael Bay efforts, which confuse the eye and are arranged to look like a collection of shiny shards magnetically held together, like the slivers in a Wooly Willy. The aerial footage was especially fantastic. My hat's off to TJ for this one.

As for performances, screenwriter Van Dyke (Titanic II, 6 Guns) is also our hero, and what a wide swath of a hero he cuts, equal parts jaded and just, a flawed man on the side of right, aided and hindered by a fractured heart of gold. His character is a wounded soldier, not in body, and as such he conducts himself with brooding believability. He's a weapon whose trigger has been pulled too many times, too often against its will, but a weapon still. (did you follow that? I'm not sure I did...)

The venerable Bruce Boxleitner gets second billing as a suburban sheriff a little sick and tired of dealing with Los Angelesians(?) and all the cockamamie BS that comes with them. It's this same stoicism, however, that gives him an advantage when the robo-shit hits the fan. This is BB's third Asylum film (behind King of the Lost World and Legion of the Dead) and he proves once again that no matter what the role, big or small, Boxleitner always packs a heavy punch.

Rounding out the cast is Jennifer Rubin (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors and the Dean Cameron vehicle Bad Dreams) as a scientist frazzled for all the right reasons, a kind of burned-out genius weary to the point of breakdown over what she's learning about this strange, invading, alien species. Whereas Bruce B might be the film's emotional anchor, Ms. Rubin is the most realistic character, allowing herself to feel and express panic, albeit in her highly intellectual manner. She's the brains to SVD's brawn, the caution to his bravado, and the two together represent mankind's best and last hopes. Other fine performances are turned in by Londale Theus (Airline Disaster, 2012 Supernova) as the Mayor, sultry Debra Harrison-Lowe (The Terminators, MILF) as a steely Master Sergeant who's as effectively authoritative as she is effectively breath-taking, and the lovely and talented Alana DiMaria (nothing else of consequence) as Madison, SVD's chockful-of-moxie love-interest in-waiting.


Overall, if I had to register any complaints, I would say that the dialog at times felt a little generic and stilted, but thankfully other efforts have proven that this is an area in which Mr. Van Dyke has greatly improved. And the film was a little slow to start, developing a lot of character traits that wouldn't really have the time to go anywhere, but once the action got going, the film became a transmorphin' free-for-all, complete with car chases, commando space robots, helicopter dogfights, alien pod armadas, a hard-rockin' sex scene, and not one but two nods to Alien in the form of chest explosion and a cell-phone-face-sucker. I don't know about you guys, but that's just about everything I was looking for when I went into this.


So, mission accomplished.

observation notes: The Apocalypse

Another from The Asylum's Faith Films subdivision, and one of three religious-based global-catastrophe spectacles - along with Meteor Apocalypse and 2012: Doomsday - The Apocalypse is, generally speaking, the story of one family's attempt to survive - physically and spiritually - the widespread chaos referenced by the title. And be certain, "apocalypse" here isn't some catch-all, rote end-of-the-world scenario; it's the full-on, soul-shattering brouhaha that makes Revelations easily the most popular book in the Bible.

Our film opens with a group of campers - among them cameos by Sarah Lieving and Leigh Scott - enjoying campfire conversation beneath a sky beautifully streaked with shooting stars. By "shooting stars," of course, I mean "meteorites," one of them fuc-, sorry, bleeping huge and heralded by a barrage of smaller projectiles that fall from the sky and rip this bucolic scene and its inhabitants to shreds. Thus the apocalypse begins.

Cut to a rugged park ranger (Rhett Giles) on the scene of a massive housefire. While he and his partner are stumped, we know it was a rain of hot rocks from the sky that torched the home. Soon enough they'll know it too: on the drive back to town, they discover said town has been eradicated, turned into a mass of molten rubble, courtesy of the heavens. Panicked now, it is revealed that RG has a daughter (Kristen Quintrall) he hasn't spoken to in quite a while living in Los Angeles; when the end is finally nigh, grudges and bygones are the first things to go.


Cut to said daughter, playfully frolicking with her boyfriend (Tom Nagel) while the world outside, unbeknown to them, is going to utter shit....sorry..."crap." This blissfully ignorant moment soon passes, however, when a roommate of the daughter (she has three, one of whom, not this one, is played by Erica Roby) calls them out to witness news footage of the widespread damage. The daughter freaks because the epicenter of the damage, Big Sur, is near where her mom, RG's ex (Jill Stapely), now resides. She's ready to run out the door into the heart of the devastation when a convenient phonecall comes from her mom: she's okay, she's coming to L.A., stay put til she gets there. It's at this point, maybe thirteen minutes in, that we get the first direct reference to God, made by another of the daughter's roommates, (still not Roby, but Shaley Scott, who may be related to Leigh Scott, as all four films she's acted in have been his) in reference to the entity with whom those lost in the day's holocaust now reside. This opinion is quickly shot down by the daughter, who seems a little too defensive to be idly philosophizing. But more on this to come.


Back to RG, who's watching the news, trying to get some idea of what's going on where. There's no big scientific explanation here, no scenes full of techno-garble, only raw data: a massive meteorite has shattered nearby and its shards are battering the planet, not just in California but everywhere in the country, in the world. At this point the Ex pops in on her way to see the daughter, finds RG and his partner amidst these startling discoveries. Well, she's got one more for them: this isn't going to be the only barrage, there's another meteorite coming, bigger, "the size of Texas" (aren' t they always?) and thus much more destructive, "an extinction starter." Call it what you will, use as many colorful nicknames as you can, but make no bones about it: the world is ending, real quickly, too, so the Ex demands that RG puts his bullshit - dammit, dam- "malarkey" behind him and accompany her to see their daughter before it's too late. While RG is pensively mulling this over, his partner makes the decision for him, saying that he is leaving them to reunite with his estranged father. Somehow this is the final straw that snaps the camel's back of RG's hesitance, and he realizes that it's all real, that it's really happening - the end. Make your peace and smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Meanwhile, in L.A., the daughter further ups the religious content by taking her boyfriend to a nearby church, understandably overrun with the frightened faithful. Contrary to what I was expecting - any time someone bothers to make an overtly Christian film, I naturally expect a fair amount of persuasion - this scene is very non-judgmental, non-dogmatic, and instead of painting the Christian faith as a self-righteous, all-powerful judging force, it is depicted as being a communal spirit of comfort, something the faithful make to support each other, the best, truthfully, one can hope organized religion to be: flexible to the needs of its flock while providing a constant base of faith and hope for salvation, physical or spiritual. At least, this how I see the daughter sees it. The boyfriend, on the other hand, is still skeptical, pointing to the perspective of most contemporary young folk that it isn't particularly fashionable or "groovy" to be a practicing Christian. Ultimately, however, it seems this line of passive questioning has only been inserted to make the point to any watching youths with their own doubts that such things are necessary, and in fact planted by God to test our faith, and therefore are further, stronger proof of his existence. I think. Religious rhetoric, perhaps purposely, confuses me. They (the producers) are embracing the youth's ambiguous stance toward faith and turning it to faith's advantage, is what I mean, is what I think they mean. Or maybe I'm just analyzing out of my ass - sorry, "rear-end," parting seas inside puddles. Either way, on with the mayhem, which kicks into high gear here.

RG and the Ex are on the road to L.A. and their daughter, racing a mega meteor hell-bent on sending them all to heaven. This is when the actual Rapture begins. The Actual Rapture, people disappearing and stuff. From here the film becomes a battle between faith and tragedy, both overwhelming, and what The End means to each individual character - the regretful father, the faithful ex, the headstrong, independent daughter and fearful boyfriend - and how they rectify their lives in the face of certain death. Spoilers beyond, so I relent.

 Overall, I found this film to be powerful, chilling and painfully realistic in its depiction of modern society's reaction to such a cataclysm: the chaos that compiles into anarchy, the muddle of fear and faith and hope and despondency and love that would naturally accompany total global annihilation is present and palpable here, thanks to wonderful FX - decapitation by meteorite, dudes melting in lava, waterspouts, tornadoes, mass structural damage and explosions galore, all courtesy of Tiny Juggernaut - that were pretty brutal for a Christian film, a string-based soundtrack (that was the highlight of pretty splotchy sound editing, especially when it came to vocals vs. explosions) that eerily set the mood between dismal and righteous, and a taut script from David Michael Latt and Carlos de los Rios that is both powerful and provocative, religious without being overbearing, and presents logical questions I think most of us - regardless of religious background, if any - would ask ourselves in the face of certain, inescapable oblivion. And of course, all these elements are brought together and anchored into a cohesive story by the intense, claustrophobic - I mean that as a compliment - direction of Justin Jones (Invasion of the Pod People) and the startlingly authentic performances by the trio of actors that seem entirely submerged - mentally, emotionally, spiritually - in the final moments of all our lives. Rhett Giles (Frankenstein Reborn, Way of the Vampire) plays his regretful park ranger as skeptically concerned, viciously brooding, and the tense center of the film. As a contrast, Jill Stapely (nothing else of note) inhabits the role of his ex-wife with ruthless faith, making her the spiritual anchor of the film, the unwavering light. 

But the most powerful performance of a powerfully-performed film - one of the best-acted in The Asylum's filmography, I dare say - belongs to Kristen Quintrall, who, as the wavering candleflame between her parents' viewpoints, the balance between their beliefs, raised faithful but with independent questions of her own, serves to represent the rest of us, those of us lacking the certainty of either philosophical extreme and who would find ourselves in the face of such a trauma just plain scared. Quintrall is an emotional juggernaut in this film, showcasing some big-time chops that could make her a veritable star in the genre. Plus, oh yeah, she edited the film too, pretty well, I'll point out. So, yeah, what did you do today?


All in all, while I typically don't go in for the rhetoric of these things - I was raised religious in the rural South, so I've had a good helping of all that stuff and find myself, well, stuffed - I still found this to be an engaging, exciting, thought-provoking and eerily resonant film. 

And I got through this whole post without an R.E.M. quip. It might not sound like much to you, but I'm proud of myself.

observation notes: 2010 Moby Dick

Man oh man have I been looking forward to this."Moby Dick" is my favorite novel of all time, and when I heard it was being adapted by my favorite studio, well, let's just say I've been beside myself with anticipation. I mean, as far as American writers go, Melville's pretty much the Godfather, and "Moby Dick" is his coup de grace, and, in my and many others' opinions, the finest work ever produced by an American novelist. So, some pretty big shoes to fill here. Or should I say "mega" shoes? Let's get into it.

The Asylum's version opens in the arctic in 1969 aboard a submarine on which there serves a young seaman by the name of Jonah Ahab (Jay Gillespie, #1 Cheerleader Camp)(love the addition of "Jonah," as in, that dude in the Bible lived in a whale for a while. in the book, it's just Ahab. but Bales, he's cross-referencing his whale lore. awesome!). On the young Ahab's sonar there is sensed something large and biological approaching the sub. He tries to inform the others, even records it's sound, or song, on a Maxell cassette, but his superior dismisses his suspicions as glitches of equipment and inexperience - that is until that something Ahab detected, a gigantic and ruthlessly aggressive white whale, attacks the sub and body slams it down on the ice shelf, killing the majority of the crew in an instant. Young Ahab, as you would expect, gets out alive, but loses a leg.

Cut to our modern era and the coast of California where Cetologist (whale scientist/actress Renee O'Connor, "Xena") Michelle Herman (get it? Ismael and the last name of the author. brilliant!) and her assistant Pip (Derrick Scott) are recording the songs of her specimens in a purple bikini on a boat cutely named "The Coffin," a reference, no doubt, to the buoyant slab of wood that saves Ismael's life in the novel. 

I'm going to tone down mentioning all the little references to the novel, promise, I just wanted to make the point that this script, whatever else it is, is firmly loyal to the original story. Back to it, now:

Said specimens are responding just fine until something below the surface spooks them and they take off. That something, it's revealed seconds later, is a U.S. Navy Nuclear Submarine, the Pequod, whose crew has breached to request - in a rather forceful manner - the services of our whale doctor and her associate. This request comes on behalf of the Pequod's unseen captain, Ahab, now forty years older.

Cut to a nice little scene here where a whale-watching tourist boat is crushed by the underbelly of the great white whale of sea-faring lore, Moby Dick. More on this in a bit.

Back in the sub, the doc is being briefed by first-mate Starbuck (easy BSG geeks, the name was ours first) about the incidents leading up to her specific, shall we say, acquisition by the sub. Seems there's been a lot of weird whale attacks lately, but not by any ordinary whale, oh no, but by a five-hundred-fucking-foot white whale, a whale like no other, a prehistoric megawhale freed from the arctic and now wreaking havoc off the coast of Southern California. Doc dismisses this as ridiculous, impossible, besides, it's a myth, a legend, no one's ever actually seen this thing. Enter modern-day Ahab (the great, gray Barry Bostwick, Animal House, "Spin City"). Not only has he seen the foul leviathan, he's still got its song on cassette (enter your own "Moby Dick" '69 bootleg/Zeppelin joke here). To Ahab, Moby Dick is no mere myth, no slight story made up and meant to scare sailors, oh no, this whale to Ahab is all too real, he feels it in his phantom leg, and over the last forty years he has become quite insane with vengeance (while still being able to hold down a skippership position with the Navy). He will stop at nothing short of this glorious creature's permanent extinction, and that's where the doc comes in: he's been following her work for years and knows that if anyone can use the song he has on cassette to track the real whale, it's her. Doc isn't too pleased about abetting this violent mission, but when Ahab convinces her all they want to do is stop the attacks on innocents, she's reluctantly in.

On shore, an old seaman buddy of Ahab's, and one who served all those years ago on the same sub Moby Dick made mincemeat of (he lost an arm) is being questioned by Navy higher-ups about Ahab's state of mind. Seems the Navy got pretty nervous when Ahab, on his own, tricked out his nuclear sub to become even more dangerous and formidable, and then they got even more nervous when he ceased to make regular check-ins. Navy realllllllllly doesn't like that. Futhermore, these attacks that have been happening, the ones we know Moby Dick is responsible for, well, no one else believes in a prehistoric whale freed from arctic stasis, so naturally, they're blaming these things on the rogue sub captain with the pimped out vessel. Ahab's buddy is commissioned the responsibility of finding his old friend and bringing him in.

In the meantime, however, another sub on the lookout for the Pequod conveniently chances upon the latter vessel, although before it can take action, in another ridiculously convenient chance encounter, Moby Dick is there as well, honing in on the pinging of the former sub's radar, and quickly making said sub no more. Now it's getting personal.

On shore again, Ahab's buddy interviews the only survivor of the whale-watching debacle, a Russian chick who dispels the rumor it was a sub that attacked them, instead blaming the tragedy on a massive white whale.

The Pequod is tracking that very whale at that very moment in the wake of its attack on the other sub. What it finds first is a truly chilling scene I won't give away here, I'll let you experience it on your own, but I will say it's the most illustrative scene - for me, at least - in regards to the sort of dark tone screenwriter Paul Bales establishes here; this is no mere creature feature, it is, as is the novel, a tale of violently irrational obsession, the most shadowed sector of the human soul, played out against a grandiose and horrific setting in which nature comes to personify man's basest attributes, or something like that. The whale kicks mad ass, takes out a bunch of impressive shit.

From here things only get more harrowing. Ahab accidentally invokes further hostilities from his own Navy, but then so does the whale. This does, however, produce the single greatest scene in cinema history involving a whale and a helicopter, undisputed. But after this, Ahab's battle is two-fold: get the whale before the Navy gets the Pequod.

I'm going to leave the rest for you to discover on your own, but I will say that thus far, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus still pending, this is easily my favorite Asylum production of 2010, and I say that honestly thinking this year has been their best so far. Everything is upped here - the script, the FX, the direction, the acting; The Asylum is just plain functioning on a higher level here. I loved the shit out of this movie, I honestly did.

Paul Bales' script honors the original, changing very little in the way of the story but to modernize it. The result is a story that maintains the venerability of the novel and blends that with the excitement, suspense and terror of an Asylum flick. It's a flawless thing, this blend, complete with inventive twists and imaginative reworkings of the source material - I'm thinking here of The Coffin, Ahab's second peg leg and the awesome harpoon gun Ahab uses (that, according to bonus features, Bostwick built himself one weekend out of shit in his garage. Awesome!) - that help this ambitious undertaking become realized.

As for FX, the whale looks great, really great: tremendous, vicious, formidable and frightening. The centuries' worth of harpoons embedded in its back is a particularly nice touch. The other FX also, the helicopters and subs and whatnot, look a lot cleaner, crisper, all around better, than they did even a year ago. This is not the work of Tiny Juggernaut, as I expected, but of visual effect supervisor Mark Kochinski, a veteran of "Star Trek" and "X-Files" and, yes, "Xena," who also worked on Titanic II and whose FX can next be seen in Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and Battle of Los Angeles. Sounds like we're going to be hearing a lot about him in the next year. 

As for the actors, there wasn't a weak link in this chain. All of Melville's characters are here - Ahab, Ismael, Starbuck, Pip, Doughby, Bulkington, Queequeg - and the actors portraying them did so with loyalty to the original but also with the flexibility to make the roles their own. Particular standouts include Derrick Scott, Adam Grimes as Starbuck, Michael Teh (Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus) as Queequeg, and, in too brief an appearance, Mike Gaglio as an officer on younger Ahab's sub. Renee O'Connor is acceptable in her role, but truthfully it isn't big enough or given enough development to really judge. Overall, however, she's vibrant and urgent and it's great to see her in action again.

But the real standout, the irrefutable ace in this deck is Barry Bostwick as Ahab. In a word, the man is simply incredible, the best I have ever seen him, so impassioned, so violently desperate and insanely disciplined. He gets Ahab in a way no one else has, really sees the madman at the root of this guy and lets him run loose. Pound for pound, and I say this with the utmost respect and admiration to the eras of moviemaking that have come before us, Barry Bostwick captures the maniacal intensity of a man behind such a delirious quest at least as well as the late, great Gregory Peck (from the John Huston 1956 adaptation). Let the hate mail commence, but I say stovepipe hats off to the man for a truly wonderful and stirring performance.

Man, I feel bushed after all this. I knew I liked this movie when I sat down to write up these notes, but I don't think I knew exactly how much until just now. I've seen a lot of Asylum movies, quickly approaching all of them, and though I have my favorites - I Am Omega, The Beast of Bray Road, Titantic II - this one in time might take the cake as my absolute favorite. And again, I fully admit I'm biased because a) the book's my favorite, and b) so's the production company, but I truly believe this is a great action-adventure, above par when it comes to story and FX (barring a scene or two at the end when some crew are hiding from the whale behind a rock), and anchored with the utmost capability by a strong, fierce lead performance by Barry Bostwick, in my opinion, again, the best he's ever been. 

2010 Moby Dick  was directed by Trey Stokes, who makes his feature debut here. Mr. Stokes, I'd like to see a lot, lot more. A lot.

Kudos!

observation notes: Mega Piranha

"They were created to save mankind. Something went wrong."

Something always does.

The Asylum's answer to Alexandre Aja's mega-hit Piranha 3D, released months in advance of the big-budget gore-fest, ups the ante infinitely by making the hungry little Amazonian buggers not so little at all.

The film opens with the genre-tested maxim that you can let a hot chick lead you to water, but it's only going to get you eaten, in this case by a school of enraged and rapidly-growing Venezuelan piranha. From these horny bathers the school moves on to topless party-boaters and a pair of sleazy politicians, one of whom is the ridiculously corpulent ambassador to the United States. Well, you know we don't play that shit, so cue special forces operative and The Asylum's #1 badass, Paul Logan. While he's amassing weapons of massive-piranha annihilation, former pop sensation and COMMITTED-favorite Tiffany, starring here as some sort of fish scientist, along with her team of other fish scientists - the same team, as fate would have it, whose DNA tampering is responsible for this mega-problem - is discovering the danger for themselves. Tiffany, ever the moralist, breaks protocol to alert PL to the danger and enlist his help against both the Mega Piranha and the local, typically-stubborn and lazily-tyrannical military honchos. PL, at the behest of CIA director Greg Brady, decides to trust Tiff and go rogue, and it isn't long before this decision proves fruitful: they have to admit the piranha are getting mega, getting mega all the time, and, naturally, heading for every river system in the western hemisphere.

What ensues from here is a two-way struggle for our heroes, against both the mega piranha and the egotistical lieutenant seemingly hellbent on making a bad situation worse for no reason whatsoever. It's all spoilers from here on in, so I'll back off but to say it also becomes a struggle against time, because there's no ceiling to just how mega these piranha can get; by the end of the day, they'll be the size of whales - fucking whales - with no sign of cellular stabilization in sight. Meaning they could grow to the size of what? The Queen Mary? A skyscraper? Cleveland? That's fucking Mega, folks.

As for the FX, Tiny Juggernaut once again brings home the bacon, making the piranha equally fearsome and ferocious, no matter what their size, though things get proportionally more awesome the bigger they get, especially once they start stampeding and going all kamikaze and shit on coastal communities. Writer/Director and Asylum-staple Eric Forsberg (Sex Pot, Alien Abduction) shoots this one a little differently than other Asylum films, choosing a style slightly reminiscent of Crank or Smokin' Aces with ample title cards and McG-esque color schemes and quick cuts, and even motion-tampering. The fight scenes - that is the fights between PL and the MP - are especially cool, with an extra tip of the hat to the kick-fighting scene, and there are a few death scenes a la Deep Blue Sea that nearly made me spill my SoCo and Sprite (I'm amidst a no-beer bet with my wife).

As for performances, you guys know how I feel about Tiffany. I think she's the greatest thing to happen to the genre since Roy Scheider, I honestly do, and I think she's got a lot of room to grow the more and more films of this ilk she makes (re: Necrosis, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid ((fingers x-ed))), but here, well, how to say...let's just leave it at, I knew I was watching a pop star act.

Paul Logan, on the other hand, never plays an Asylum role he wasn't built for, and here is no exception. PL commands the screen with the prowess of a young Stallone and the steely gaze of Jason Statham. Charming, aggressive and snarky, and - I know I've said it before - but he's still got the best run of anyone in The Asylum's stable.

Rounding out the cast, as mentioned, is Greg "my name is Barry Williams, dammit" Brady as the CIA director. More often than not Greg's on screen by himself talking into a Blackberry, shot beneath blue or green lights, making him more than reminiscent of Howie Mandel in Little Monsters. But I didn't disbelieve him in the role, so that's something.

All in all, Mega Piranha isn't the best film The Asylum's made that starts with "Mega," but if you look away from some stilted dialogue and wordy scientific exposition, what you end up with is a fun, frightening Saturday night, and there ain't a damn thing wrong with that.

Creature Feature: MEGA SHARK

New Column Alert! 


See, here at COMMITTED I'm waging a constant battle between my enthusiasm for Asylum films and the finite number of said films that have been made. To date, The Asylum has produced roughly 70 films, and whereas they're one of the most, if not the most, prolific studios in Hollywood, putting out a good ten or dozen a year, problem is I've already covered at least a third of these in posts or posts-in-waiting. So I gotta find other stuff to do besides just reviews, otherwise I'm going to enthusiastically write myself out of work.

Therefore I present to you COMMITTED's first Creature Feature, essentially the same thing as an Inmate Profile, but for the fact that the inmates profiled here are not human but, well, creatures. And what better creature to start things off with, what more iconic and emblematic illustration of the fine work by the fine folks at The Asylum than their greatest, most famous creation - the Mega Shark.

In his first outing for The Asylum, MS took on a merely giant octopus - in-between wreaking massive havoc on aircraft carriers, span bridges, etc. - and made a quick calamari (i know calamari is squid) of him (this is a spoiler, true, but only after the mega-spoiler of, you know, a sequel that isn't called Giant Octopus vs. Crocosaurus) - after all, what hope are tentacles against rows upon rows of razor-sharp teeth?


Let's consider the stats, culled from a combination of sources including the film itself, the venerable Wikipedia and this neat-o graphic I've posted before courtesy of Stephen Taubman (the infographics this guy creates are fucking awesome. i want to wallpaper my creepy basement with them and just geek the fuck out.): the mega shark is purported to be twice the size of the ancient megalodon, a.k.a. the biggest shark ever known. The megalodon typically came in at approximately 19 - 20 meters, or 62 - 65 feet, which would make - utilizing the breadth of my mathematical skills - our boy approximately 38 - 40 meters long, or roughly 120 -130 feet. Some other things that are roughly 120 -130 feet long: cell phone towers, thirteen-story buildings (if you can find one that will admit it), and the distance between home plate and second base on professional regulation baseball diamonds. As for weight, the megalodon tipped the scales at 100 - 120 tons, or 200,000 - 240,000 pounds. That would set MS at nearly half a million pounds, 400,000 - 480,000. Some other things totaling such a mass: 50 full-grown male African elephants, a blue whale and one calf, and 833 Andre the Giants at the time of Wrestlemania 3.

Essentially what we're dealing with here is a massive fucking eating machine capable of launching itself more than a mile into the air to take down a fully-loaded passenger jet. So suck on that, Jaws. Until they actually make a "MEG" movie (i am not counting this junk), you can forget the genetically-modified fare of Deep Blue Sea or Sharktopus, Mega Shark is the baddest thing in the water. Recognize.                                                             

But not all predators live (exclusively) in the water: on December 21, 2010, in DVD stores and cues everywhere, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus drops hard. I foresee a tougher battle for MS this go-round; the croc may have less gripping appendages, but he's got more teeth, and that vicious tail, and he can escape onto land. If he was only a supercroc, I'd say this one was in the bag, but this is a crocosaurus, implying some age and evolution to him, which always equates to primal viciousness.

For the moment, however, this marvel of biology and animation (thanks, Tiny Juggernaut!) is the king of the hill when it comes to Asylum creatures, the one to topple if you want the crown. Crocosaurus is taking his shot this Christmas. Other suckers can feel free to take a number, because, one more time, can a Crocosaurus do this?

            
Doubt it. (but i fucking hope so).

observation notes: Megafault

This one's kinda hard to pinpoint, mockbuster-wise. As far as the plot goes, it's a lot like 2012 in that it deals with a whole lot of tectonic plates shifting at once, threatening to rip the planet apart; but it also shares a plot, and a poster tagline, with the classic sci-fi film Crack in the World. So perhaps it's better not to think of this one as a mockbuster at all; truly, to do so takes away from what it actually is, and that's a rocking and rumbling action pic with real heart.

The story breaks down like this: a routine demolition blasting triggers a real fuck-up in the tectonic plates, producing not a major fault, or even a super fault, but the dreaded megafault. This megafault's ripping up shit left and right all across the country, racing from east to west, headed for California, and god help us then, because once megafault meets the San Andreas fault and all its ornery tributaries, the West Coast is going to drop into the ocean like a greased fat guy dumped into a hot tub from a wheelbarrow, also greased, sending megatsunamis across the Pacific. It's up to three people, apparently, to find a way to thwart the megafault before it can destroy the world: the director of FEMA (Bruce Davison), a feisty seismologist (Brittany Murphy) and the blaster who started this in the first place (Eriq LaSalle). And as if all this wasn't enough, at the same time they're also trying to find the seismologist's husband and young daughter, whose plane went down somewhere in Kansas. It's a cross-country adventure we're talking about here, people, pack your trail mix.

I really didn't find much not to like about this film. The first thing that usually detracts me is too much science, not enough chaos, an unsatisfying balance of exposition versus action. But not so here. There was plenty of science to back up the chaos, but the balance felt right, felt like ultimately Megafault knew what it was, and that's an action movie.

And man what action. The visual effects done by Tiny Juggernaut are among their best work for The Asylum. An especial hats off to the Washington Monument scene, and the petroleum truck sequence. Top-fucking-notch, no matter what studio has their name on it. Furthermore, the widespread, aerial shots of destruction were frighteningly realistic, and though not as intense as a Hollywood spectacle like 2012, somehow they felt more realistic, for its focus not on the major cities, but the heartland, destruction on a local level, and thus easier to relate to, for me at least.

Make no mistake people, there's no camp to this one. It's a full-on, balls-out, mega-disaster pic, and a pretty fucking good one, too. Throw Don Cheadle and Amanda Seyfried in this (you can keep Davison where he is) and you've got a $27 million opening weekend, at least.

And that above statement is not meant at all to detract from the performers that do inhabit these roles, merely to show how popular perception is often more influenced by who's in a movie than what it's about, or how well it's made. Bruce Davison - what can I say? The guy's an ace, every time. And it was nice to see Eriq LaSalle again; I'm sure he's been working, but I haven't seen him since "ER." He brings that same sort of brooding intensity to this role, that burdened, soulful, weary resilience, an unflappable Job. Brittany Murphy, honestly, is the weak spot. I feel bad saying that (you know...). She was capable at most things, exceptional at others (I've always thought that was her Oscar from Girl, Interrupted), but here she's just out of place. She's believable for half of the movie, where she plays a concerned mother desperate to be reunited with her family, but as a seismologist, and an ace one at that, she sounded like she was just reading words to me. Well-written, well-spoken words, I just didn't see her in the role. But this does not detract from the overall enjoyment of the film one bit. Nice work also by Paul Logan (Mega Piranha), who, I've decided, has the best run in The Asylum universe, and Justin Hartley (Green Arrow on "Smallville") as Brittany's husband, a guy who survives a plane crash, multiple earthquakes and a petroleum tanker explosion, among other hardships, and never takes off his tie. That's commitment.

Megafault was directed by The Man, David Michael Latt, who perfectly balances the precision of individuals' fears with epic, sweeping panoramic portraits of the rioting landscape, the film's villain after all.

Engaging, thrilling, and all around pretty fucking awesome. Megafault's the real deal, and a real fun way to spend an hour and a half.

whipsers from another cell: News From Within The Asylum

8213 Gacy House Comes to DVD Tuesday, September 28

Of the 33 people famed serial killer John Wayne Gacy is credited with having killed, 26 were found in the crawl space of his Chicago home, and another three were buried in the backyard. If you're the sort who believes in injured spirits attaching themselves to the physical plane where they suffered the most, then the Gacy House is bound to be haunted as a motherfucker. The house itself was destroyed during the exhumations, but assuming someone rebuilt in the same location, it would be a Mecca of sorts to a paranormal investigator. Well, The Asylum has assumed it for you. Shot mockumentary style like Monster or The Blair Witch Project, Gacy House supposes a team of ghost hunters have come to spend the night in this infamous locale, with truly horrifying and gruesome results.

Gacy House is directed by longtime Asylum producer Anthony Fankhauser, who previously wrote and directed 2012 Supernova. Asylum virgins Jim Lewis and Matthew Temple anchor the cast, with Michael Gaglio (MSvC, Titanic II, 2010 Moby-Dick), and a few other fresh faces bringing the support.

Gacy House, as mentioned, drops on DVD Tuesday, September 28th. Look for my review a few days before.


Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus Enters Post-Production

In prior posts over the last week I've already published behind-the-scenes photos and production stills of the highly-anticipated Mega Shark sequel, bowing December 21st. But the underlying thread between these posts that I may not have emphasized strongly enough is that the film is now in post-production, meaning principal photography has wrapped and now it's all about editing and effects. No doubt at this very moment the magical elves at Tiny Juggernaut are hard at work crafting some bitchin' shark-pluck kill scene to trump the bungee-cord Sharktopus kill. In the weeks to come, we can expect poster art, maybe a teaser, maybe even a full-blown trailer. Until then, we can only do the most difficult thing known to man: we wait.

observation notes: The Day The Earth Stopped

The only Asylum movie to ever illicit a lawsuit, The Day the Earth Stopped was none-too-liked by the execs over at Fox, who thought the film's similarity to a certain, like-named and worse Keanu Reeves movie generated a "likelihood of confusion" among consumers. I work in a video store (big surprise, I know) and no one, even the mentally challenged or drug-addled, has ever confused Jennifer Connelly for C. Thomas Howell.

Plot in a nutshell: spaceships that look like sperm invade our galaxy and deposit on Earth robots or leftover transmorphers or some shit intent on doing us in. A rogue citizen of this alien race comes to warn us, assuming the form of a hot chick. And from there (as well as to there) it's basically the same movie as the Keanu shitstorm - with the added bonus of a thinly-veiled Christian end-message - slow to begin but once the concept hooks, it's a low-grade FX spectacular, a little simplistic, yes, but the best science-fiction movies often are; survival in the face of impossible, inconceivable odds is often compelling enough on its own, and in that regard, The Asylum's version of this sci-fi classic surpasses the Hollywood version, which is ultimately too political and concerned with rooting itself in a believable environment as opposed to just copping to the fact that it's a movie about a giant fucking robot. Own it, Fox. Their shit looks like a long episode of "The X-Files" with even worse lighting.

C. Thomas Howell is awesome as always, smoldering and compassionately disaffected, a sort-of shlub who's the only one to believe the hot alien. But C. Tom doesn't just rock this one in front of the lens, he rocks it from behind as well (all of that sounded so pornographic, I know, but I'm keeping it) as the film's director, his second such assignment for The Asylum. For a complicated, FX-laden busyfest, C. keeps his shots taut and concise, balancing panoramas of destruction with the tighter moments of chaos that fuel the tension.

Oh, and Judd Nelson finally drags his ass to work with 27 minutes to go to play the boisterously frazzled father of humanity's salvation.


A choice conversational snippet from this one:

"Prove that human life has value? How the hell am I supposed to do that?!"

"Did you ever see The goddamn Lion King!?"