outisde the walls: March DVD Releases

I recognize that not all great films are made exclusively by The Asylum and that, in fact, there's a whole world of film outside these walls, some of which might actually interest Asylum fans, when they're not watching or re-watching Asylum films, of course. And, being as I'm only looking out for your viewing well-being, here's a peek at some other DVD releases this month which might satiate you between Asylum releases. But remember, as always. Sweet n' Low ain't sugar.


3.1.2011

Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes

Asylum Film

  




Central State Asylum for the Insane 

Faster










 

S.W.A.T. : Firefight
















3.8.2011













The Abducted









  

Half Moon

Jackass 3D

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection XX

Pelt

The Shriven

The Walking Dead: Complete First Season

The Zombie Farm














3.15.2011

Interplanetary

  






Shadow

Sharktopus

Urgency













3.22.2011

Alien 2 on Earth

Battle of Los Angeles


Asylum Film
written and directed by mark Atkins
starring Kel Mitchell and Nia Peeples

  
  




Dark Fields

Devolved

Frankenstein

Siren

Skyline

 Vanquisher

Creature Feature: Crocosaurus vs. Gatoroid

Besides being a great match-up for an Asylum film, the quandary of who is mightier, Crocosaurus or Gatoroid, has plagued me since last Fall when I learned these two things existed. And just like a corpse-launching Tartar, I love to share a good plague, so here we go:

First off, it's important to note that while Crocosaurus is a singular beast, Gatoroid is apparently an irregular noun, referring to both the singular and the plural, because there are a bunch of them. Other than that, at base they're pretty similar: Crocosaurus is a prehistoric crocodile that has somehow managed to survive hidden in the African interior until the modern age, while Gatoroid are experimental-super-steroid-enhanced alligators that roam the Everglades of Southern Florida. So then, given that both animals are approximately the same size - that is, massive - and both are relatively the same sort of creature, their origins are the first distinction that can be measured in favor of one or the other, and here I've got to give it to Crocosaurus. Yes, yes, I know, chemical enhancement makes all sorts of nasty tweaks to both form and frame of mind, but Crocosaurus has been evolving for millions of years, millions. Chemicals can't trump experience, except in cases of male erectile dysfunction.

Bad pic, but you get the point.

Now let's take a look at what they're up against. In both cases, there's a human element  - that ultimately proves the most dangerous - and an animal element. Crocosaurus has the U.S. Navy and an ancient megalodon to contend with; Gatoroid has a small sheriff's department and a bunch of admittedly-huge pythons. Is this really a contest? I mean, you guys know I loved MPvG, more than MSvCr, even - which is a compliment either way because they're both written by the versatile Naomi Selfman (also #1 Cheerleader Camp and 18 Year Old Virgin, the latter of which grew on me quite a bit upon a second viewing) - but in terms of who had the tougher opposition, and thus who had to prove his ferocity more, the clear winner here is Crocosaurus once again. Pythons don't even have teeth, for Pete's sake. They squeeze, sure, but still, that's kinda lame against an alligator, especially one that's chemically-enhanced. Just sayin'.

Which brings us to our last element of comparison, the defeat of these creatures. Spoilers a bit in this paragraph, so if you haven't seen either film and don't want to hear vague but definitive references to their outcomes, skip to the next paragraph. This one is another pretty cut-and-dry contest, in my book, and it boils down to basically this: no nuclear weapons were used in the thwarting of Gatoroid, no submarines or battleships were deployed, and yet the Gatoroid went down. It took all the aforementioned accouterments and a shark the size of a steam engine to escort Crocosaurus into the long-awaiting grave. No contest, in my book.

So then when I think about it, this quandary isn't quandary at all: as mighty, vicious, and many as the Gatoroid are, as terrifying as they may be, and as decimating to the populace of Southern Florida as they proved themselves, in a match-up against the millennia-old, biologically-honed, evolutionary marvel that is Crocosaurus, they don't stand a Mega Python's chance in a Mega-Piranha-choked river. Which, come to think of it, would be another awesome match-up, and a fun snub of sorts at the upcoming Corman-produced flick Piranhaconda.*


*kind of like in the first scene of Orca, where the killer whale slays a great white in an attempt to establish this villain's dominance over the great white in Jaws.

Corman "Creates" Another Amalgam of Asylum Films

I got mad love for Roger Corman, I really do: if it wasn't for the groundbreaking work he did with AIP in the 50's, 60's and 70's, my grand and undying affection for B-movies wouldn't be what it is. And it should also go without saying that if not for the work of Mr. Corman and others like him, including the great Samuel Z. Arkoff, there wouldn't be an Asylum, at least not as we know it. Therefore it was only a slight thumb in the eye, and in fact a kind of compliment, when last year Mr. Corman blatantly drafted off the success of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus an unleashed upon the world Sharktopus, which shattered records over at SyFy.

Well, now the Academy-Award-winning S.O.B. (really, mad love...) is doing it again. It was announced today that the king of B's is re-teaming with the bard of Sharktopus, one Michael MacLean, plus Jim Wynorski, the director of Chopping Mall, Munchie and Ghoulies IV, to produce a film called - I shit you not - Piranhaconda.

This is obviously meant to capitalize upon the exposure of The Asylum's two SyFy original contributions to date, last year's wildly-successful Mega Piranha and the upcoming Sharktopus-record-shattering instant classic Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. I mean, there's no real grounds to get upset here, the man's done nothing wrong, certainly nothing he hasn't been doing since the first days of his career, and certainly nothing The Asylum itself doesn't do on a regular basis - that is, drafting off others' concepts - but really, bro - Piranhaconda? The official description of this one is a creature with "razor sharp teeth and 100 feet of constricting power." I'll admit to being intrigued by the visual possibilities, but every time I try to imagine it, all I see is a big fucking eel. Big fucking deal.

What's more, this same trio is also responsible for a yet-to-be-released-on-DVD gem entitled Dinocroc vs Supergator. What happened to honor among thieves?

The only casting we have as of yet is a certain Diana Terranova, whose last appearance was in a certain company's horror movie about a certain clown-faced serial killer's ghost. There's no release date for this one as yet, but shooting begins next month in Hawaii, and given Corman's penchant for quick productions, it wouldn't surprise me if this hits DVD by the end of summer. After that, expect Jessica Simpson and Avril Lavigne starring in Princess vs Pony. I'll let you assign which pop star to which role. 

outside the walls: Non-Asylum Inkings

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outside the walls: Non-Asylum Inklings

So I'll admit it, there are films not produced by The Asylum. There always have been, always will be. These glasses I wear are not rose-colored. They are clear, and occasionally smudged with fingerprints. A sampling of non-Asylum films due soon and news that might spark the interest of Asylum fans. Just remember, Sweet 'n Low ain't Sugar.


Roger Corman's Sharktopus Coming to SyFy September 25th

It's interesting: the last few years, most of this decade, actually, cinematic stalwart Roger Corman has been uncharacteristically docile, producing far less films than he has in decades past. They gave the guy an honorary Oscar last year, so maybe that spurred him on, because suddenly he's putting out a lot more movies, all of them suspiciously marine-oriented. It's a safe bet he's been keeping up with what The Asylum's been doing, as evidenced by this trailer. When Eric Roberts genetically combines a shark with an octopus at the government's behest, he winds up with the most efficient hunter the planet has ever known. And the weirdest-looking. Will The Asylum be one-upped by the king of the genre they dominate? Find out on September 25th, then wait a couple of months for Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus to raise the ante all over again.

Other upcoming SyFy original programming includes yet another ruining of a beloved childhood classic, Peter Pan, by Nick Willing, the same dude who trashed The Wizard of Oz (Tin Man), which ruined Zooey Deschanel for me forever, and Alice, the source should be obvious, which I didn't even bother to watch because Tin Man was so shitty. The planned abomination is a prequel to the original story (ugh) and most offensively, stars Academy Award nominee Bob Hoskins reprising his role from Spielberg's Hook as first mate Smee (ugh squared). Also in the pipeline are Garden of Evil, starring Adrain Pasdar ("Heroes," After Dark), Mandrake, about some freaky tree, Frost Giant, about, well, a frost giant, and Roadkill, currently filming in Ireland and starring Lake Placid 3 uber-hottie Kacey Barnfield. Keep your eyes on local listings, or just keep tuning in here for updates and reviews.


Burning Bright now on DVD

Though she's never appeared in an Asylum film, Briana Evigan has a connection to The Asylum. Her father, Greg Evigan, has appeared in 6 Guns, 100 Million BC and Journey to the Center of the Earth, this latter film along with her sister, Vanessa Lee Evigan. So we give a shout out to the other Evigan's newest flick, released on DVD August 17th, about a zookeeper's daughter trapped in a house with a bloodthirsty Bengal tiger. Even though she's not nuclear family, she's still worth a watch. Burning Bright costars the awesome Garrett Dillahunt. Think The Ghost and The Darkness meets When a Stranger Calls.


Aussie Director Follows One Water Movie With Another

Andrew Traucki, writer/director of the not-so-awesome crocodile flick Black Water, has finished his follow up and is set to release it later this year. The Reef concerns the crew of a sailboat that capsizes off Australia's Great Barrier Reef, a.k.a. Great White Central. Oddly enough, there's never been a big-budget GBR shark movie, so the potential for this to be an Open Water-style standout exists. Hopefully it won't suck like Black Water did. Check out the official website, and the poster. The latter has an awesome tagline.


AMC Releases Walking Dead Motion Comic in Advance of Pilot Premiere

By now everyone knows the greatest comic currently in publication, Image's "The Walking Dead," is being transformed into an AMC original series by Stephen King aficionado Frank Darabont. While the show won't start until Halloween Night at10p.m. with a 90-minute pilot, AMC has released a motion comic of the series' first issue. What's a motion comic, you ask? What do you think? It's a comic that moves. Check it out AMC's site for the comic and much more.

In related "Walking Dead" news, it was announced September 1, a full 90 days before the premiere, that AMC has already re-upped, ordering 13 additional episodes for Season 2.


First Trailer for Leigh Scott's Witches of Oz

Leigh Scott - director of ten Asylum features including King of the Lost World, Hillside Cannibals and Transmorphers - has just released the first making-of trailer for his next film, the 3d Witches of Oz. Based on an original story, Scott's movie has Dorothy all grown up and a successful childrens author, drawing on what she thinks are vivid imaginings from her childhood. But when she realizes they're not imaginings but repressed memories, it opens a flood gate of fantastical reality, culminating with the Wicked Witch of the West touching down in Times Square. Check out the trailer here. He even mentions The Asylum. Christopher Lloyd, Mia Sara, Ethan Embry, Sean Astin, Billy Boyd, Lance Henriksen and Jeffrey Combs comprise the cast, with the lovely Paulie Rojas (of The Last Resort fame) as Dorothy. No release date as of yet, but news can't be far off.


Altitude Gets A Trailer

Altitude, the direct to DVD thriller from first-time feature director Kaare Andrews, finally released an official trailer. Altitude is the story of four teenage friends in their own small-engine plane (not exactly how me and my friends hung out in high school) that experience both a technical glitch - the plane keeps climbing in altitude uncontrollably - and a paranormal encounter in the form of some Lovecraftian tentacled cloud squid thing. The movie hits your local, independent video stores in October then Netflix (which is stealing your personal information and selling it to terrorists*) and those Redbox things (which cause cancer**) a month or so later. Check out the trailer here, courtesy of FirstShowing.net, courtesy of ShockTilYouDrop.com

*this statement is not supported by any discernible evidence. pure, wild speculation on my part.
**ditto


A Couple of Cool Posters

From Friday the 13th and The Expendables. Thanks to The National Post and CHUD.com, respectively.

observation notes: Death Racers

The Asylum takes on Jason Statham taking on Roger Corman in this film set in a typically nihilistic American future where crime and death are commerce, and virtue is for the pathetically weak.

Four, two-person teams of cons are racing and killing for their freedom, vying to be the last team standing. By now you're probably thinking, "Okay, well, that sounds interesting, I guess. I mean, it's been done, but this could be special, though he's not really selling it, he's not giving me a reason to see it. Maybe I'll scroll down a little, see if..." Let me stop you right there. You want a hook? You want a little something extra to wet your whistle, leave you thirsty for more of what Death Racers is pouring? Okay, all right, well how about you try this on for size:

One of the teams is made up of Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, the motherfucking Insane Clown Posse. Playing themselves.

Now I'm no Juggalo - I have very sensitive skin and a detectable IQ - but I do appreciate ridiculous assholes who somehow manage to burrow themselves into our culture like chiggers. And man are these guys ridiculous assholes! They got a tricked-out ice cream truck, a couple of hatchets and a cunning knack for linguistics that produces such memorable lines as, "When was that ever in a million-rim-job-years a good idea?" (as though "rim-job-years" are longer? shorter?) and, "That's what I said about your mama last night when I plowed her, except you might not recognize her: I shaved her back" (as though shaving the gentleman's mother's back is somehow a part of the seduction process, a kind of preening foreplay. genius)

The clowns are astoundingly capable within the violent context - gory even by Asylum standards - bringing a very believable psychosis to their roles as thrill-killing speed (the motion kind) freaks. As for the rest of the cast, there's some mohawked cyborgs, fake-ass cholos, an acting wrestler and an all-female team that goes by the name Vaginamyte. I'm going to put that out in the open so you can better absorb it.

Vaginamyte.

This one's got class written all over it. In shit. A delightful gangbang of a movie.