Creature Feature: Crocosaurus vs. Gatoroid

Besides being a great match-up for an Asylum film, the quandary of who is mightier, Crocosaurus or Gatoroid, has plagued me since last Fall when I learned these two things existed. And just like a corpse-launching Tartar, I love to share a good plague, so here we go:

First off, it's important to note that while Crocosaurus is a singular beast, Gatoroid is apparently an irregular noun, referring to both the singular and the plural, because there are a bunch of them. Other than that, at base they're pretty similar: Crocosaurus is a prehistoric crocodile that has somehow managed to survive hidden in the African interior until the modern age, while Gatoroid are experimental-super-steroid-enhanced alligators that roam the Everglades of Southern Florida. So then, given that both animals are approximately the same size - that is, massive - and both are relatively the same sort of creature, their origins are the first distinction that can be measured in favor of one or the other, and here I've got to give it to Crocosaurus. Yes, yes, I know, chemical enhancement makes all sorts of nasty tweaks to both form and frame of mind, but Crocosaurus has been evolving for millions of years, millions. Chemicals can't trump experience, except in cases of male erectile dysfunction.

Bad pic, but you get the point.

Now let's take a look at what they're up against. In both cases, there's a human element  - that ultimately proves the most dangerous - and an animal element. Crocosaurus has the U.S. Navy and an ancient megalodon to contend with; Gatoroid has a small sheriff's department and a bunch of admittedly-huge pythons. Is this really a contest? I mean, you guys know I loved MPvG, more than MSvCr, even - which is a compliment either way because they're both written by the versatile Naomi Selfman (also #1 Cheerleader Camp and 18 Year Old Virgin, the latter of which grew on me quite a bit upon a second viewing) - but in terms of who had the tougher opposition, and thus who had to prove his ferocity more, the clear winner here is Crocosaurus once again. Pythons don't even have teeth, for Pete's sake. They squeeze, sure, but still, that's kinda lame against an alligator, especially one that's chemically-enhanced. Just sayin'.

Which brings us to our last element of comparison, the defeat of these creatures. Spoilers a bit in this paragraph, so if you haven't seen either film and don't want to hear vague but definitive references to their outcomes, skip to the next paragraph. This one is another pretty cut-and-dry contest, in my book, and it boils down to basically this: no nuclear weapons were used in the thwarting of Gatoroid, no submarines or battleships were deployed, and yet the Gatoroid went down. It took all the aforementioned accouterments and a shark the size of a steam engine to escort Crocosaurus into the long-awaiting grave. No contest, in my book.

So then when I think about it, this quandary isn't quandary at all: as mighty, vicious, and many as the Gatoroid are, as terrifying as they may be, and as decimating to the populace of Southern Florida as they proved themselves, in a match-up against the millennia-old, biologically-honed, evolutionary marvel that is Crocosaurus, they don't stand a Mega Python's chance in a Mega-Piranha-choked river. Which, come to think of it, would be another awesome match-up, and a fun snub of sorts at the upcoming Corman-produced flick Piranhaconda.*


*kind of like in the first scene of Orca, where the killer whale slays a great white in an attempt to establish this villain's dominance over the great white in Jaws.