observation notes: Barely Legal

As far as plotlines go, sex comedies aren't usually too high concept - typically it's just some dude trying to get laid. But in this latest release from The Asylum, this basic premise is tripled and given a gender twist in the form of three lovely young ladies and lifelong BFFs who make a vow to each lose their virginity on their shared 18th birthdays. The result is a funny, saucy, scintillating and titillating film that delivers everything it promises: sex, sex and sex.

The three leads - Jeneta St. Clair, Lisa Younger and Melissa Johnson - are relative newcomers with promising chops, each bringing a distinct personality to her virgin-in-longing: Johnson, "Sue," is the brainy conservative with just enough religious conviction to believe in saving herself, but enough religious repression to really need a bang; St. Clair, "Cheryl," is the film's control character, the good-girl-next-door ready to give her virginity to the fella she loves, making her also the film's emotional center; Younger, "Lexi," who is seriously the horniest, most promiscuous virgin in cinematic history, but not in a bad-girl way, more in a sinfully-curious way. Each actress pulls off her role with aplomb, but special kudos go to Younger for her comedic timing, Johnson for her endearing neuroses, and St. Clair for her immediate and constant likability.

The script, from Naomi Selfman (18 Year Old Virgin, #1 Cheerleader Camp, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus, Mega Python vs Gatoroid) is spot-on in terms of comedy and sexiness. Furthermore, while the female-centric romantic comedy is a tried and true genre, Ms. Selfman and The Asylum over the last few years have been mastering the female-centric sex comedy, a truly awesome thing. This might be about chicks, but dudes will find plenty to enjoy.

Decide for yourself this Tuesday when Barely Legal hits the streets on DVD. Oh yeah, and as an added bonus, dig the first teaser trailer for A Haunting in Salem, the film I wrote, in the DVD's previews. More on this to come...

inmate profile: Naomi Selfman

Continuing my pledge to spotlight the creative forces behind next week's release of the promisingly-raunchy Barely Legal, here's another inmate profile, though shrouded in a tad bit of mystery. Naomi Selfman, the scribe behind this impending laugh-riot, has written half a dozen films for The Asylum, yet there's virtually no information about her online. This picture is the best I could find, and I only found that when out of frustration I Googled "mystery woman." Could be that "Naomi Selfman" is a pen name for another writer, or it could be that Ms. Selfman is just a digitally private person? Either way, the only purported sighting of her is said to come in the making-of featurette for her first script for The Asylum, the horror film Evil Eyes, but I didn't have immediate access to that when I wrote this.

Whoever she is, Ms. Selfman has time and again illustrated her ability to work across genres - be it horror, comedy, sci-fi or creature features - and turn in compelling, convincing, empathetic and exciting stories every time out. 

After Evil Eyes, Ms. Selfman took a four-year hiatus from screenwriting before contributing the story for the Faith Films epic 2012: Doomsday. Since then, it's been full-steam ahead for Ms. Selfman, writing five scripts in two years: the other raucous sex comedies 18 Year-Old Virgin and #1 Cheerleader Camp, the two biggest creature features of the last year, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, and of course, Barely Legal.



I've got a lot of favorites when it comes to The Asylum - that should be annoying obvious by now - and the work of Ms. Selfman is among them. As a writer (A Haunting in Salem, out 10/4/11), I'm envious of her versatility; as an Asylum freak, I'm excited every time her name pops up.

Get excited with me next Tuesday, when Barely Legal pops up on DVD.

Barely Legal Details Revealed

Younger

You'll remember a couple weeks ago the news broke that The Asylum had another sex comedy in the pipeline, but at the time it was announced, all that was known of the film was that is was written by the uber-talented Naomi Selfman (#1 Cheerleader Camp, MSvC, MPvG). Well, now over at the film's webpage, further details have at last been revealed.

St. Clair

Barely Legal will be the directorial feature debut of Jose Montesinos, an editor on MSvC, and will star newcomers Jeneta St. Clair, Lisa Younger and Melissa Johnson as the trio of lifelong BFFs determined to lose their virginity together (not together, but, you know, in the same time frame).

Johnson?

Barely Legal hits DVD on July 26th of this year.

observation notes: Evil Eyes

This film marks a pair of big debuts: not only is it the first film directed by Mark Atkins (Battle of Los Angeles, Haunting of Winchester House, Halloween Night, etc.), it is also the first film written by Naomi Selfman (Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, #1 Cheerleader Camp, upcoming Barely Legal). And as debut go, on both accounts, Evil Eyes is a good showcase of two burgeoning talents destined for B-movie greatness.

When a screenwriter (Adam Baldwin, "Firefly") is hired by an ominous producer (Udo Kier, Andy Warhol's Dracula and Frankenstein, Suspiria, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective) to write a film about a real-life slaughtered family, things get fer-reaky when the grisly murders he scripts begin to happen in the real world. 

I was surprised to find this film much more cerebral than I expected. That's not a slam or anything, I just expected a high-octane relentless assault of gore and violence, and what I got was a suspensefully-paced intellectual thriller with supernatural undertones.

Adam Baldwin as the screenwriter was his usual gruff, gritty, and unapologetically-independent self. And just as this attitude made him a formidable space mercenary, it is also an appropriate balance of brashness and swagger for a big-time Hollywood screenwriter (I don't actually know any to verify this, but I trust what the movies tell me about the people who make them.).

As for Udo Kier, what can I say about this true cinematic treasure that hasn't been said a million times before? I don't know what it is - his creepiness, his charm, his thick accent, the copious amounts of turtlenecks he wears - but there's something about this guy that  have always liked; he's like a European Steve Buscemi. Here he inhabits the role of producer as militantly fragile, commanding but not in command, if that makes any sense whatsoever. He might be a little stiff in scenes, but his mere presence makes a scene foreboding, so, mission accomplished.

Rounding out the cast is a Ms. Jennifer Gates as AB's long-time GF. This was Ms. Gates first film as well (and in fact one of only two features she's been in), but she never came across as a rookie to me, holding her own in scenes with the more accomplished actors. She played the part as diligently doting but never docile; she was sweet, demure, dangerously devoted and overall endearing.

In a nutshell, then, I found this one to be an great concept - a kind of In The Mouth of Madness Asylum-style - that builds its suspense well, is always thrilling while not resorting to the cheap and easy scares, and is definitely a smarter-than-average-axe-murderer-movie. The film is subtle, restrained and savvy, in script and direction. Add some truly inventive kills and well-developed characters and the result is an above-average thriller. If it was my studio, I would have given Atkins and Selfman copious work as well; these two are true All-Stars.

What else can I say? Let's see...there are shades, in my opinion, of Lost Highway, to the point the word "Lynchian" is even in the script, and it totally works in this surreal, cerebral, non-linear-yet-frightening-cohesive film. 

There are hidden gems in the Asylum's catalog, and I fell as though I may have just discovered the brightest one.

#1 Cheerleader Camp Brings Home an Anatomy Award

So it seems the website Mr. Skin - the preeminent movie-nudity online archive - has at last announced the winners of their annual Anatomy Awards..."a celebration of Hollywood at its breast." Yeah. With categories like "Nudecomer of the Year," "Best Nude Parasailing," "Most Niptastic Nips," and "Best Glowing Boobs," you just know this is a good, albeit NSFW, scan. 

The big news here, of course, and the reason I'm posting about it (thanks to a heads up from The Asylum site) is that one of The Asylum's comedies from last year, the very funny #1 Cheerleader Camp, was named the winner of perhaps the most prestigious award of all: "Best B-Movie Nudity." 

 

As I mentioned in my congratulatory comment over at The Asylum site, there couldn't have been too many nominees in the "Best Nude Parasailing" or "Best Glowing Boobs" categories, but "Best B-Movie Nudity?" Come on. Part of the point of B-movies is nudity, they're crawling with them, so the sheer number of entrants in this category must have been through the roof. To have a claim on the "best nudity" is the direct-to-DVD sex comedy equivalent, in my book at least, to sweeping the Oscars.

So a hearty congratulations to everyone who bared some flesh in this truly funny movie. Get ready to watch the numbers on this one climb through the Netflix queue roof!

Observation Notes Catch-Up: Comedies

I know not all my readers have been with me from the beginning, and I also know given the amount of postings I've made, things can get lost in the shuffle. I also know that I'm not the best at tagging uniformly, so there might be a few things, specifically Observation Notes, that go unread. As such, periodically I like to remind you - with links! - of the films I've reviewed, and I think a good way of grouping these is by genre. So here, for your catching-up or even revisiting pleasure, are the Comedies produced by The Asylum that I've reviewed thus far, along with links to the original posts. Enjoy!

 MILF
written by Jonny Haug
directed by Scott Wheeler

Sex Pot 

written & directed by Eric Forsberg

18-Year-Old Virgin

written By Naomi Selfman

directed by Tamara Olson

#1 Cheerleader Camp

written by Naomi Selfman

directed by Mark Quod

Asylum Should-Stars #2

Here at Committed, I'm always looking for ways to prolong my love affair with Asylum blogging. I've done inmate profiles - spotlights on Asylum personnel - and I've done pitches - shameless attempts to get hired in marketing/development - but now, I'm melding the best of these features into one, amalgamated column: the awkwardly-named Asylum Should-Stars, in which I present actors/actresses/other cultural figures I think would make lovely additions to the Asylum's stable of performers. More mindless fun to wile away your workday! Let's dive right in, shall we?

NAME(s): Gary Riley (L) and Dean Cameron (R)

BEST KNOWN FOR: playing the horror-film-infatuated comedic duo "Chainsaw and Dave" in the 1987 Carl Reiner classic, Summer School.

PLAYS: I think the above sentence pretty much clarifies that, but to simplify: lovable geeks smarter than they perform and borderline-autistic in their focus.

COULD BE CAST AS: a pair of roadside attraction/amusement park/sketchy traveling carnival owners, or a pair of oddly homo-erotic serial killers, or even a highly-successful filmmaking team, Dave the writer and Chainsaw the director. Horror, Comedy

NAME: Kristen Miller

BEST KNOWN FOR: playing "Princess Stevenson" on "That's My Bush!", "D.D." on "She Spies," and as the voice of "Lisa" in Team America: World Police.

PLAYS: ditsy/naive good girls on the surface with a hidden well of strength, independence and sass. Think of her as DeeDee Pfeiffer but a dozen years younger (not that age matters, it's just a reference point).

COULD BE CAST AS: any leading female role in any sort of film. Ms. Miller has proven herself a capable action heroine, an identifiably beleaguered victim in horror films, and a sharp, endearing comedic ace, as well as being cute to a point of ridiculous sexiness. The only thing it seems she hasn't done is a sci-fi/disaster flick; ball's in your court, Asylum. Comedy, Horror, Action, Disaster, Sci-Fi, Family

NAME:  Kristine DeBell

BEST KNOWN FOR: being a Playboy centerfold, "Alice in Wonderland" adult entertainer, and the cutest chick in the funniest movie ever, Meatballs. 

PLAYS: good girls gone really, really bad; star-eyed nymphets; girls-next-door that make you want to never leave home.

COULD BE CAST AS: should The Asylum ever throw its hat into the summer-camp-comedy ring (which I think they should), Ms. DeBell would be the perfect cameo, much like the use of Charlene Tilton in #1 Cheerleader Camp. Otherwise, I have a feeling Ms. DeBell would suit any comedy just fine. And, as she hasn't worked since 1990, she's nice and primed for a career resurrection.  


There you have it. Thoughts? Disagreements? Suggestions?

A Look Back, A Look Ahead

On this, the final day of 2010, I thought it appropriate that we take a look back on the work done by The Asylum this last year, as well as peek into the future at the projects already lined up for 2011, now only hours away. A reminder that every single film released by The Asylum this year is up for Best Picture in the 1st Annual Looney Awards for Excellence in Asylum Films (voting ends Feb. 2, 2011). 

For a word from The Asylum themselves on the great year they've had, check out this morning's message to us all and click here.

So, without further adieu, a look back at the films that made 2010 possibly the biggest, most successful year yet in The Asylum's illustrious history:

Sherlock Holmes
directed by Rachel Lee Goldenberg
written by Paul Bales
starring Ben Syder, Gareth David-Lloyd, Dominic Keating


released 1/26/2010

Meteor Apocalypse
directed by Micho Rutare
written by Brian Brinkman & Micho Rutare
starring Joe Lando, Cooper Harris, Claudia Christian

released 2/23/2010

6 Guns
directed by Shane Van Dyke
written by Geoff Meed
starring Barry Van Dyke, Greg Evigan, Brian Wimmer, Sage Mears

released 3/30/2010

Mega Piranha
directed by Eric Forsberg
written by Eric Forsberg
starring Paul Logan, Tiffany, Barry Williams

released 4/27/2010

7 Adventures of Sinbad
directed by Adam Silver & Ben Hayflick
written by Adam Silver & Ben Hayflick
starring Patrick Muldoon, Bo Svenson, Kelly O'Leary

released 5/25/2010 

Airline Disaster
directed by John J. Willis, III
written by Paul Sinor & Victoria Dadi
starring Meredith Baxter, Scott Valentine, Lindsey McKeon

released 6/29/2010 

#1 Cheerleader Camp
directed by Mark Quod
written by Naomi Selfman
starring Jay Gillespie, Seth Cassell, Erica Duke, Harmony Blossom, Charlene Tilton


released 7/27/2010

Titanic II
directed by Shane Van Dyke
written by Shane Van Dyke
starring Shane Van Dyke, Marie Westbrook, Bruce Davison, Brooke Burns


released 8/24/2010

8213 Gacy House
directed by N/A (Anthony Fankhauser)
written by N/A (Anthony Fankhauser)
starring Mike Gaglio, Rachel Riley, Jim Lewis


released 9/28/2010

MILF
directed by Scott Wheeler
written by Jonny Haug
starring Jack Cullison, Phillip Marlett, Molinee Green, Jamie Bernadette


released 10/26/2010

2010: Moby Dick
directed by Trey Stokes
written by Paul Bales
starring Barry Bostwick, Renee O'Connor, Adam Grimes


released 11/23/2010

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus
directed by Christopher Ray
written by Naomi Selfman
starring Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving, Robert Picardo


released 12/21/2010








And now a look ahead at the productions already on the docket for 2011:

Princess and the Pony

directed by Rachel Lee Goldenberg

written by Bill Parker & Rachel Lee Goldenberg

starring Fiona Perry, Bobbi Jo Lathan, Ron Hajak

to be released 1/25/2011

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

directed by mary lambert

written by Naomi Selfman

starring Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, A Martinez

to be released on SyFy 1/29/2011

Battle of Los Angeles

directed by Mark Atkins

written by Mark Atkins

starring Kel Mitchell, Nia Peeples, Theresa Jun-Tao

to be released 3/15/2011

Almighty Thor

directed by Christopher Ray

written by Eric Forsberg

starring Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Kevin Nash, Patricia Velasquez

to be released 5/10/2011

Ballistica

directed by Gary Jones

written by Tony Kandah & Sean Rourke

starring Paul Logan, Martin Kove, Robert Davi, Andrew Divoff

to be released 5/17/2011

2012: Ice Age

directed by ???

written by ???

starring ???

release date TBA

Born Bad

directed by ???

written by ???

starring ???

release date TBA

200 MPH: Midnight Racers

directed by ???

written by ???

starring ???

release date TBA

And there you have it, the year behind us, the year ahead. Speaking as to the year ahead, there's only eight projects announced thus far, meaning we can count on at least three or four more coming to light as we proceed into 2011. And as always, rest assured that as soon as any news drops on these or any other projects, you'll know a minute or so after I do. Happy New Year, thanks for reading, be safe and viva La Asylum!!!

inmate profile: Naomi Selfman

Continuing my pledge to spotlight the creative forces behind next week's release of Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, here's another inmate profile, though shrouded in a tad bit of mystery. Naomi Selfman, the scribe behind this impending classic, has written half a dozen films for The Asylum, yet there's virtually no information about her online. This picture is the best I could find, and I only found that when out of frustration I Googled "mystery woman." Could be that "Naomi Selfman" is a pen name for another writer, or it could be that Ms. Selfman is just a digitally private person? Either way, the only purported sighting of her is said to come in the making-of featurette for her first script for The Asylum, the horror film Evil Eyes, but I didn't have immediate access to that when I wrote this.

Whoever she is, Ms. Selfman has time and again illustrated her ability to work across genres - be it horror, comedy, sci-fi or creature features - and turn in compelling, convincing, empathetic and exciting stories every time out. After Evil Eyes, Ms. Selfman took a four-year hiatus from screenwriting before contributing the story for the Faith Films epic 2012: Doomsday. Since then, it's been full-steam ahead for Ms. Selfman, writing four scripts in half as many years: the raucous sex comedies 18 Year-Old Virgin and #1 Cheerleader Camp, and, most noteworthy and the reason we're here, now, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. As though this last job wasn't esteemed enough, Ms. Selfman also wrote the screenplay for the equally-anticipated Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.

So what does this mystery woman mean to MSvC? Well, if nothing else, it means at least this time out the jokes will hit. There were a lot of comic lobs set up in the first one, but, let's face it, very few of them scored. Whatever she's done with the script, the fact that she was shortly thereafter picked to pen The Asylum's other marquee attraction of the next year (MPvG), means the partners have great faith in her ability to deliver an action-packed, thrilling, amusing and entertaining creature feature. And their faith's good enough for mine. 

Check out Ms. Selfman's script bring the goods ONE WEEK FROM TODAY!!! That's right only seven more days stand between the world and Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. Come back here for my review this Friday, then come back again next Wednesday, the day after MSvC's release, for THE BIGGEST, MOST EXCITING POST IN COMMITTED's HISTORY!!! For real.

Birthday Wishes/ inmate profile: Paul Logan

In Paul Logan, The Asylum got more than a pretty face and a chiseled physique, they got their first bona-fide action star. A veteran of six Asylum films (plus some uncredited stunt work, according to IMDB, on Titanic II), Logan possesses, as I think I've alluded to before, the stern charm of a pre-Over The Top Sylvester Stallone, teamed with the husky confidence of Jason Statham, and just a dash of the bulky fighting style of Governor Schwarzenegger. So imagine those three having a baby somehow, and Paul Logan is pretty much what you end up with. Good guy, bad guys, good guys with some bad tendencies or bad guys with good leanings, PL has totally owned every role he's taken for The Asylum, and as it stands, along with Kim Little, he is the longest-active Asylum actor, having worked with the gang from their very first film - Killers - all the way up to three releases this year. So he's thoroughly committed. And, as I know I've alluded to before, he has the best run in The Asylum. Really, watching this guy run, it's like stumbling upon a wild Clydesdale. Such command. Anyway, I digress; below please find Paul Logan's filmography with The Asylum. He can next be seen in Ballistica, a Bourne-looking action/spy thriller, releasing on November 16th.

• Killers...Nicky
• The Terminators...TR-4
• MegaFault...Major Boyd Grayson
• Ballistica...Damian
• Mega Piranha...Jason Fitch
• #1 Cheerleader Camp...Tom

It is also no coincidence that Mr. Logan's profile is posted today, because today is Mr. Logan's 38th birthday. Many happy returns of the day, Mr. Logan!

Consider yourself saluted.

Asylum Posts First Trailer for MILF

Attention sex-comedy fanatics: today the fine folks at The Asylum released the official trailer for their Cougar-appreciation flick, MILF, debuting on DVD October 26th, in which young men bag a copious amount of sexually liberated older women. As if you couldn't figure that out. First impression, looks better than Sex Pot and The 18 Year Old Virgin, could be on par or even better than #1 Cheerleader Camp.

By the way, anyone else notice a certain aesthetic similarity in the above-linked posters, or is it just me?

October 26th, that's the release date. October 26th.

observation notes: Sex Pot

Sex and drugs - the PB&J of adulthood. And, like youth, too often the best of these are wasted on the young.

Take Sex Pot, for example, The Asylum's answer to Harold & Kumar etc. etc. etc.: magical weed and lascivious playmates are wasted on two dorks with no discernible social skills and a vocal affinity for masturbation.

Problem one: a magic bag of weed, the magic being that it makes women lose their inhibitions and fuck losers. That's not magic weed. That's just weed.

Problem two: women losing inhibitions. Inhibitions have to be had before they can be lost, and judging by the look of these women - yes, I'm judging them by their appearance, they're in their underwear on a movie box, I can do that - any inhibitions they came equipped with were stripped off a long time ago with, well, you can make your own joke here.

As for the rest of it, Seth Cassell - who you may remember I talked up in #1 Cheerleader Camp, but only in comparison to this - and the DJ Qualls impersonator that plays his buddy are perfectly believable as losers, but not at all as stoners (see Cassell's facial expression on the cover. there's a lot of that.). And somehow this makes the film weirdly watchable. The copious boobs help.

And speaking of boobs, they're only a small - well, not small, per se - facet of a script laced with nearly every raunchy cliche you can think of: hot-chick bowel movements, donkey show references, fruit-based mutual masturbation (twice I've used that word now. probably speaks more to the movie than the rest of this review), and lesbian dominatrixes. At times all this together felt a little over the top, too much, almost, but my wife reads these things, and she was sitting next to me when I put this one in - I know, I know - so I have to say that.

Bottom line, this is no comedy to write home about. But it is one to watch in a dark room by yourself with the door locked. If you like that kind of thing. Which apparently people do, because films like this get made all the time.

A couple of choice lines to set the mood:

"You sound like Harvey Milk doing a fucking porno."
(I don't know what this means.)

"Would you take pity on me, man? I have to crawl into a bathroom where the girl I just jerked off to took a big shit."
(keeping in mind this is said to the guy standing next to him when said masturbation occurred. [that's three times])

whispers from another cell: News From Within The Asylum

IN PRODUCTION: it's the wet dream of every man who was a teenage pop fan in the late 80's - Tiffany and Debbie Gibson together, in the same film, and cat-fighting no less!

From the director of Pet Sematary and the writer of #1 Cheerleader Camp comes MEGA PYTHON VS. GATOROID! Debbie is the hippie animal rights activist who frees illegal snakes in the Everglades, where they grow to Mega proportions and threaten the indigenous alligator population, protected by park-ranger Tiffany. What the Gatoroid is or how it factors into things is being kept under wraps, but I pray to god it has laser eyes and a hydraulic jaw. Expected to debut on SyFy next year, a trailer should be coming soon. In the meantime, take a look at that cat-fight in production right here.



CULTURE WATCH: If you have the misfortune of watching the Steve Carrell-Tina Fey debacle that is Date Night on DVD, check out the gag reel: in the scene in the apartment of James Franco and Mila Kunis' characters, when the closet is opened and the videos fall, a copy of Killers, directed by David Michael Latt, can be seen quite clearly.

observation notes: #1 Cheerleader Camp

In the interest of painting myself as objective a reviewer as possible, and not just a raving fanatic, I will say that comedies by The Asylum don't usually do it for me, as they skimp a little too much on story for the sake of sex, drugs and flatulence. But #1 Cheerleader Camp is a pleasant exception, while still fulfilling, in kind, all the aforementioned detractors.

Basically Bring it On meets Meatballs with a dash of American Pie: Band Camp, the film concerns two young men who somehow land jobs working maintenance at a cheerleader camp. Naturally, they're in it for the perks. And there are lots of perks. Or at least perky things. Take for instance the opening scene, man's best friend: buxom young ladies on trampolines. For real. The film opens the same way The Man Show used to close. And just in case you're thinking, "wow, that's incredibly sexist," uh-uh, nope, it was written by a woman, so, you know, not sexist.

Neither then is the group shower scene, the best - if "best" can be conscienably applied to describing a group shower scene - of its kind since Porky's, nor the sprinkler montage, a rival to Phoebe Cates' iconic pool emergence in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. "How many more references is he going to make?" you may be asking yourself? None.

As for performances, for me the film was made and saved by Seth Cassell, who I really didn't like in Sex Pot, but here found to be more subtle and restrained, thus actually funny. As for the other guy, he was passable, but I was really distracted by the fact that he looks a lot like the douche who plays Ted on How I Met Your Mother. Beyond the principles, there is a bevvy of naked chicks - as though cheerleaders weren't enough, strippers enter about halfway through - a cameo from Mega Piranha hero Paul Logan and Lucy from Dallas (Charlene Tilton) playing herself with unabashed bravado. That's really all you need to know.

A couple choice quotes to give a sense of tone:

"Every time you spooge, you burn like, a 1,000 calories."

"You've never stuck your dick in a watermelon?"

"She's just a girl, one girl who will never let you fuck her while she's going down on another chick."

Perhaps I should have mentioned before now that this blog is not kid-friendly.