Creature Feature: Crocosaurus vs. Gatoroid

Besides being a great match-up for an Asylum film, the quandary of who is mightier, Crocosaurus or Gatoroid, has plagued me since last Fall when I learned these two things existed. And just like a corpse-launching Tartar, I love to share a good plague, so here we go:

First off, it's important to note that while Crocosaurus is a singular beast, Gatoroid is apparently an irregular noun, referring to both the singular and the plural, because there are a bunch of them. Other than that, at base they're pretty similar: Crocosaurus is a prehistoric crocodile that has somehow managed to survive hidden in the African interior until the modern age, while Gatoroid are experimental-super-steroid-enhanced alligators that roam the Everglades of Southern Florida. So then, given that both animals are approximately the same size - that is, massive - and both are relatively the same sort of creature, their origins are the first distinction that can be measured in favor of one or the other, and here I've got to give it to Crocosaurus. Yes, yes, I know, chemical enhancement makes all sorts of nasty tweaks to both form and frame of mind, but Crocosaurus has been evolving for millions of years, millions. Chemicals can't trump experience, except in cases of male erectile dysfunction.

Bad pic, but you get the point.

Now let's take a look at what they're up against. In both cases, there's a human element  - that ultimately proves the most dangerous - and an animal element. Crocosaurus has the U.S. Navy and an ancient megalodon to contend with; Gatoroid has a small sheriff's department and a bunch of admittedly-huge pythons. Is this really a contest? I mean, you guys know I loved MPvG, more than MSvCr, even - which is a compliment either way because they're both written by the versatile Naomi Selfman (also #1 Cheerleader Camp and 18 Year Old Virgin, the latter of which grew on me quite a bit upon a second viewing) - but in terms of who had the tougher opposition, and thus who had to prove his ferocity more, the clear winner here is Crocosaurus once again. Pythons don't even have teeth, for Pete's sake. They squeeze, sure, but still, that's kinda lame against an alligator, especially one that's chemically-enhanced. Just sayin'.

Which brings us to our last element of comparison, the defeat of these creatures. Spoilers a bit in this paragraph, so if you haven't seen either film and don't want to hear vague but definitive references to their outcomes, skip to the next paragraph. This one is another pretty cut-and-dry contest, in my book, and it boils down to basically this: no nuclear weapons were used in the thwarting of Gatoroid, no submarines or battleships were deployed, and yet the Gatoroid went down. It took all the aforementioned accouterments and a shark the size of a steam engine to escort Crocosaurus into the long-awaiting grave. No contest, in my book.

So then when I think about it, this quandary isn't quandary at all: as mighty, vicious, and many as the Gatoroid are, as terrifying as they may be, and as decimating to the populace of Southern Florida as they proved themselves, in a match-up against the millennia-old, biologically-honed, evolutionary marvel that is Crocosaurus, they don't stand a Mega Python's chance in a Mega-Piranha-choked river. Which, come to think of it, would be another awesome match-up, and a fun snub of sorts at the upcoming Corman-produced flick Piranhaconda.*


*kind of like in the first scene of Orca, where the killer whale slays a great white in an attempt to establish this villain's dominance over the great white in Jaws.

Corman "Creates" Another Amalgam of Asylum Films

I got mad love for Roger Corman, I really do: if it wasn't for the groundbreaking work he did with AIP in the 50's, 60's and 70's, my grand and undying affection for B-movies wouldn't be what it is. And it should also go without saying that if not for the work of Mr. Corman and others like him, including the great Samuel Z. Arkoff, there wouldn't be an Asylum, at least not as we know it. Therefore it was only a slight thumb in the eye, and in fact a kind of compliment, when last year Mr. Corman blatantly drafted off the success of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus an unleashed upon the world Sharktopus, which shattered records over at SyFy.

Well, now the Academy-Award-winning S.O.B. (really, mad love...) is doing it again. It was announced today that the king of B's is re-teaming with the bard of Sharktopus, one Michael MacLean, plus Jim Wynorski, the director of Chopping Mall, Munchie and Ghoulies IV, to produce a film called - I shit you not - Piranhaconda.

This is obviously meant to capitalize upon the exposure of The Asylum's two SyFy original contributions to date, last year's wildly-successful Mega Piranha and the upcoming Sharktopus-record-shattering instant classic Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. I mean, there's no real grounds to get upset here, the man's done nothing wrong, certainly nothing he hasn't been doing since the first days of his career, and certainly nothing The Asylum itself doesn't do on a regular basis - that is, drafting off others' concepts - but really, bro - Piranhaconda? The official description of this one is a creature with "razor sharp teeth and 100 feet of constricting power." I'll admit to being intrigued by the visual possibilities, but every time I try to imagine it, all I see is a big fucking eel. Big fucking deal.

What's more, this same trio is also responsible for a yet-to-be-released-on-DVD gem entitled Dinocroc vs Supergator. What happened to honor among thieves?

The only casting we have as of yet is a certain Diana Terranova, whose last appearance was in a certain company's horror movie about a certain clown-faced serial killer's ghost. There's no release date for this one as yet, but shooting begins next month in Hawaii, and given Corman's penchant for quick productions, it wouldn't surprise me if this hits DVD by the end of summer. After that, expect Jessica Simpson and Avril Lavigne starring in Princess vs Pony. I'll let you assign which pop star to which role.