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observation notes: 2012 Supernova

So, it's been brought to my attention via comments, personal emails and Facebook posts that perhaps in these observation notes, in my zeal to communicate my enthusiasm for Asylum productions, I'm giving away a bit too much in regards to plot details, thus doing the opposite of my primary directive and spoiling a thing or two. As I've said before, the ultimate point of these notes, indeed this blog, is to spark your interest, whet your appetite, and make you want to see the daggum movies. As such, I will try to restrain myself a little more in the future, restrict my synopses from now on to no more than a mere paragraph of general description, focusing my efforts instead on praising the technical and creative aspects of the films. Funny, I think, maybe you won't, that I choose to start this with a film I didn't particularly care for. Either way, here we go:

This is the second of The Asylum's 2012-prefixed films - sandwiched between 2008's 2012: Doomsday and next year's 2012: Ice Age - and, as the title indicates, concerns impending oblivion courtesy of an astronomical anomalous catastrophe: seems a star in a neighboring galaxy goes ape-shit unstable and explodes, "supernova" as the kids call it, and unleashes a deadly burst of space-radiation hurtling towards Earth, where it will eradicate every living thing on the planet; it is up to a brilliant if rebellious astrophysicist (Brian Krause) to compose a radical plan that can save all of mankind from imminent extinction. That plan? Well, that's one of the things on which I'm censoring myself, but rest assured I didn't choose the adjective "radical" haphazardly. Add to this a subplot - one typical in Asylum films; see Mega Fault, Meteor Apocalypse, Titanic II - in which said astrophysicist's family is in constant peril from the first ripples of destruction, and the result is a moderately intense - if overly melodramatic - disaster flick roughly on par with other direct-to-DVD offerings in the genre.

I'm not known to be one who minces words, so I won't start here: this isn't the greatest story, and the dialog is even not-greater. This film, in fact, is a pretty good example of a stellar - pardon the pun - concept that crashed and burned upon execution. This story was too rote, the characters weren't near developed enough - despite admirable turns by the principle cast - and the conclusion kinda sucked. That said, the FX were pretty cool, startlingly cool, in fact, as though lifted from another movie and dropped into this one, a credit to both the visual effects department and director Anthony Fankhauser (8213 Gacy House), the latter of whom makes the best of a mediocre situation by depicting the chaos as sufficiently chaotic and peril palpable. My only critique of the direction would be the repetitive use of the same FX clips, but, given what the budget of such a film was bound to be, I suspect this isn't a short-coming of direction but rather an economic necessity, so, no harm no foul.

As for performances, I like Brian Krause. I can't put my finger on just why, I just always relate to him. Whether it's in this or other genre work - from the classic Sleepwalkers to the more-recent Beyond Loch Ness and Warbirds - there's just something really normal about this guy, in a good way, something we can all empathize with. Given that, I actually liked him in this: intense, focused, gruff, desperate but strong. The Asylum should have him back soon.

The lovely Heather McComb("The Event," "Prison Break," non-Asylum Shark Swarm) as the beleagured wife seeking protection against unimaginable perils, is appropriately frazzled without over-acting, and manages a grace under fire that is admirable and indeed noteworthy. Actress Najarra Townsend (hella shorts) rounds out the cast, showing a modicum of promise in her role, holding her own with the more accomplished actors.

This - global annihilation via extraterrestrial masses - isn't a new concept to either cinema in general (Armageddon, Deep Impact) or The Asylum (2012 Doomsday, Meteor Apocalypse) and while this is far and away not the finest entry in either category, it is a moderately entertaining 85 minutes, thanks to neat-o FX and plausible performances. But, truthfully, in a choice between this film and the actual apocalypse, it's kind of a toss up.

Sorry, they can't all be positive.

Holy Cow! Mega Python vs Gatoroid Gets Article in New York Times!


That's right, true believers, only the most prestigious newspaper in all of the United States of America ran an article today on the impending release of Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and the recent success of SyFy Saturday night original movies. My only lament with the article comes from their utter disregard for The Asylum. Like these movies make their freaking selves. Either way, though, there's no such thing as bad publicity, and if attention like this pushes MPvG's ratings closer to the 3 million mark - I'm predicting 2.8 - thus making it the highest-rated original film in Sci-Fi/SyFy's history, then that can only mean good things for our favorite studio.

Check out the article, and don't forget to tune in Saturday night, January 29th, on the SyFy network for the world premiere of The Asylum's latest masterpiece, Mega Python vs Gatoroid

And check back here one week from today, January 21st, for an announcement of just how I - and perhaps a few of you as well - will be celebrating the premiere. Hint: the word "fest" is involved.

Lovely Ladies of The Asylum vol. 1

I'm not a fool, gentlemen. I know what brings you here, what lures you in, coaxes your hits, some of you at least. It isn't the snarky commentary, or the breaking news, the hard-hitting interviews or deep-digging profiles, no, it's not me at all, is it? I see the keywords from my Google hits, and I know a picture of a pretty lady brings in more readers than the phrase "observation notes." 

Not that I can blame you: The Asylum employs a score of attractive and - more importantly - capable, intelligent and talented actresses well worthy of your search engine adoration. So, to gives my readers something I know they want and would never ask for, I tastefully present a pictorial tribute to some of The Asylum's beautiful leading ladies. Enjoy.



 

Sarah Lieving

Mega Shark Vs. Crocosaurus
Airline Disaster
Invasion of the Pod People
The Apocalypse
The Hitchhiker
The 9/11 Commission Report
666: The Child
Dracula's Curse
King of the Lost World
The Beast of Bray Road
Frankenstein Reborn
War of the Worlds









Kristen Quintrall

Universal Soliders
Invasion of the Pod People
Transmorphers
The Apocalypse
Supercroc














Erica Roby 

Invasion of the Pod People
The Apocalypse
The Hitchhiker
Halloween Night
The 9/11 Commission Report
Dracula's Curse
Hillside Cannibals
Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers








 

Noel Thurman
 Universal Soldiers
Transmorphers
Supercroc
The 9/11 Commission Report
Dracula's Curse
Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers
The Beast of Bray Road 















Marie Westbrook

Titanic II
100 Million B.C.
Dracula's Curse
Hillside Cannibals














Lindsey McKeon

Airline Disaster
The Land That Time Forgot














And there you have it, six of the finest actresses kind enough to grace the screen in Asylum productions. And yes, gentlemen, that is a "vol. 1" in the headline, meaning there will certainly be future installments. And as for any women reading this blog - I know you're out there, ladies - don't worry, there will be a Gorgeous Gentlemen of The Asylum forthcoming as well; here at Committed, we're for equal-opportunity-ogling.  

Tiffany Drops Her New Single From Mega Python vs Gatoroid Tomorrow!


Yep, that's right, there's a BRAND NEW TIFFANY SINGLE debuting tomorrow on iTunes, "Serpentine" is its name and it is, according to Ms. Tiff herself, featured in the upcoming Asylum production/SyFy Saturday Night Original/instant classic Mega Python vs Gatoroid, which premieres on the aforementioned cable network Saturday, January 29th at 9 p.m. 

No word on what the song might sound like, but given the context of the movie, I'm betting it's not a ballad, at least maybe not a straight-up ballad, maybe something darker like Alanis Morrisette's "Uninvited," from the City of Angels soundtrack.

(yeah, i just name-checked the Alanis song from City of Angels. those who do not remember history are doomed to have to watch it again.)


No word if there's a Debbie Gibson contribution to what is quickly becoming the greatest soundtrack of the year, nor is there any word on the white elephant in the room, a rumored duet between the two. But with a guaranteed cat-fight, I don't know that we really need much more. Don't be greedy, people. But do go out and download "Serpentine," available tomorrow on iTunes.

Asylum Should-Stars #2

Here at Committed, I'm always looking for ways to prolong my love affair with Asylum blogging. I've done inmate profiles - spotlights on Asylum personnel - and I've done pitches - shameless attempts to get hired in marketing/development - but now, I'm melding the best of these features into one, amalgamated column: the awkwardly-named Asylum Should-Stars, in which I present actors/actresses/other cultural figures I think would make lovely additions to the Asylum's stable of performers. More mindless fun to wile away your workday! Let's dive right in, shall we?



NAME(s): Gary Riley (L) and Dean Cameron (R)

BEST KNOWN FOR: playing the horror-film-infatuated comedic duo "Chainsaw and Dave" in the 1987 Carl Reiner classic, Summer School.

PLAYS: I think the above sentence pretty much clarifies that, but to simplify: lovable geeks smarter than they perform and borderline-autistic in their focus.

COULD BE CAST AS: a pair of roadside attraction/amusement park/sketchy traveling carnival owners, or a pair of oddly homo-erotic serial killers, or even a highly-successful filmmaking team, Dave the writer and Chainsaw the director. Horror, Comedy



NAME: Kristen Miller

BEST KNOWN FOR: playing "Princess Stevenson" on "That's My Bush!", "D.D." on "She Spies," and as the voice of "Lisa" in Team America: World Police.

PLAYS: ditsy/naive good girls on the surface with a hidden well of strength, independence and sass. Think of her as DeeDee Pfeiffer but a dozen years younger (not that age matters, it's just a reference point).

COULD BE CAST AS: any leading female role in any sort of film. Ms. Miller has proven herself a capable action heroine, an identifiably beleaguered victim in horror films, and a sharp, endearing comedic ace, as well as being cute to a point of ridiculous sexiness. The only thing it seems she hasn't done is a sci-fi/disaster flick; ball's in your court, Asylum. Comedy, Horror, Action, Disaster, Sci-Fi, Family



NAME:  Kristine DeBell

BEST KNOWN FOR: being a Playboy centerfold, "Alice in Wonderland" adult entertainer, and the cutest chick in the funniest movie ever, Meatballs

PLAYS: good girls gone really, really bad; star-eyed nymphets; girls-next-door that make you want to never leave home.

COULD BE CAST AS: should The Asylum ever throw its hat into the summer-camp-comedy ring (which I think they should), Ms. DeBell would be the perfect cameo, much like the use of Charlene Tilton in #1 Cheerleader Camp. Otherwise, I have a feeling Ms. DeBell would suit any comedy just fine. And, as she hasn't worked since 1990, she's nice and primed for a career resurrection.  


There you have it. Thoughts? Disagreements? Suggestions?

200 MPH Details Revealed!

So The Asylum today has put up the official page for their upcoming film 200 MPH, originally subtitled Midnight Racers, but that detail hasn't seemed to make the cut here. Naturally there are no photos or a poster as of yet, but there are some tasty deets, including an official synopsis:

"After his older brother's death in a car crash, a young amateur racer is plunged into the harrowing world of illegal street racing, risking his life as he races with a vengeance."


We also get some info on the cast and crew, but this one is looking to be made largely by unknowns, so there isn't a lot of info to go around. But here's what I got:
  • director Cole McCay - if it's the right guy, IMDB lists his sole credit as stunts on Columbus Day.
  • written by Thunder Levin - Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood!
  • starring Jaz Martin (upcoming The Shattering), AnnaMaria DeMara (one episode of "Nip/Tuck," upcoming Havana Heat with Joey Lawrence and Peta Wilson), Darren Thomas (again, if I got the right guy, upcoming remake of H.G.Wells' Food of the Gods and Welcome to the Jungle) and Hennely Jimenez (who is a mystery to IMDB. I'll see what I can find later.)

The only other info we have on this one is that it hits the asphalt April 26 of this year, and that it probably isn't a sequel to Street Racer like I at one time postulated. Unless it's a sequel like Tokyo Drift is a sequel. Only time will tell.

observation notes: Universal Soldiers

This sci-fi action spectacle is This Asylum's tie-in to the popular JCVD series about genetically-modified super soldiers that to date has generated five five - yes, I know, it's unbelievable but true; Van Damme's in 3 of them, including the last two, and the cheapies in the middle trade off Gary Busey and Burt Reynolds as bad guys. But I digress...

In this take, directed by Griff Furst (I Am Omega, 100 Million B.C.) from a script by Geoff Meed (I Am Omega, 6 Guns) based on a story by David Michael Latt (Pirates of Treasure Island, War of the Worlds), a platoon of the above-mentioned genetically-modified super soldiers - made x amount stronger, smarter, faster, and more resilient than the average soldier - goes haywire fresh off the assembly line, sending scientists and soldiers alike scrambling to get out of the building before the universal soldiers bring it down on top of them. Once outside, however, their situation doesn't improve in the slightest, as they're in the middle of wooded-nowhere, on foot, with the platoon still hot on their heels, seemingly intent on killing them all. From here it becomes another case of who's going to get it when, mixed together with some scientific backstory and the typical theories about whether or not the soldiers can evolve on their own, assume their own directives, accompanied by the typical conclusion that if so, everyone in the party is pretty much set to be fucked beyond all recognition. Inner-personal tensions flare and threaten to defeat our heroes before their enemies can, some soldiers strive harder to survive than others, twists and turns unfurl like snapdragons and all-in-all shit pops off in very violent, expletive-filled and explosive ways.

Kind of a cross between Aliens, Universal Soldier and The Asylum's own version of Journey to the Center of the Earth, overall this one's a riveting if dark adventure that kicks off in the first frame and builds accordingly through each of its 85 minutes towards a rewarding and thrilling climax. The story moves fast, the dialogue is appropriately, brutally bleak, and despite such a large ensemble of characters, a dozen at core to start, each feels fleshed out and individualized, distinct, which is a major, major credit to the screenwriting of Geoff Meed. This is an aggressive film, relentless in its action, physicality and terror, and easily as fun and entertaining as any of the actual sequels in the tie-in franchise, if not more so for its focus on the soldier-side of the battle between soldiers and super soldiers.

Speaking of the soldiers, as mentioned this is an ensemble cast with many familiar faces, including Jason S. Gray (The Apocalypse, The Da Vinci Treasure, Alien vs Hunter), Kevin Kazakoff (Alien vs. Hunter), Noel Thurman (Transmorphers, Supercroc, Dracula's Curse, Beast of Bray Road), Randy Mulkey (Alien vs Hunter) and even a cameo by director (not of this) Justin Jones (The Apocalypse), all of whom pull together to make this one of the most successful ensembles in The Asylum's vault. But it's lead Kristen Quintrall who once again, as she did in The Apocalypse, steals the show. As the private first class among higher-ranking soldiers, she is fierce, harsh, every inch a believable warrior and frighteningly sexy. Her intensity makes the entire film more palpable, and really brings to life the tension and suspense sewn into the script. She takes the role and makes it one of the strongest female roles in all The Asylum, to rival Sarah Lieving in Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus and Cynthia Rose Hall in Supercroc, and as such she is just as irresistible to watch. Whoo-ah!

And finally credit must be given to director Griff Furst, who here has composed an exhilarating as well as beautifully dark film, akilter in all the right ways, playful with light and shadow, soft focus, and all-in-all a very atmospheric, chilling experience. Kudos, sir.

So to conclude, I say if you find yourself hankering for some Universal Soldier follow-ups, skip the immediate sequels and head here first, I guarantee it's a better time.

Bargain Alert! 6 DVDs for the Price of 1!




I was at my local shopping mall the other day, buying some belated Christmas presents for a belated trip home to North Carolina that was canceled at the last minute because of the winter storm that plowed through the Southeast this week, when, browsing among the selections at Suncoast Motion Picture Company, lo and behold I discovered the two precious things to the left there in the bargain bin...for only $5.97 apiece!!! That's only 99 cents per movie for half-a-dozen of The Asylum's finest: I Am Omega/Monster/Alien vs. Hunter and Countdown:Armageddon(Jerusalem)/Transmorphers: Fall of Man/The Day the Earth Stopped.  The DVD's are put out by Echo Bridge Entertainment, a secondary distributor The Asylum seems to use for certain titles, most recently Airline Disaster and 8213 Gacy House. This is a great deal on six great films, so if you've still got a Suncoast or F.Y.E. store in your vicinity, and you got $11.94 to drop on some quality home entertainment, I think you know what you have to do.

inmate profile: Mary Lambert

Man oh man did The Asylum score with this one: Mary Lambert, an acclaimed director with more than thirty years behind the camera, is the very director attached at the helm for this month's SyFy-debuting Asylum production Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, otherwise known as The Battle of the 80's Mall Icons. But they're neither here nor there; this one's all about Mary.

Ms. Lambert was born in the lovely state of Arkansas, which she promptly fled upon graduating high school to attend the prestigious Rhode Island School of Design. In the early 80's she honed her directoral skills on a number of iconic music videos, including two for Janet Jackson - "Nasty," and "Control" - and a quintet for Madonna - "La Isla Bonita," "Material Girl," "Borderline," "Like a Prayer," and, oh yeah, "Like a Virgin" - so she knows a little something about handling pop divas.


A pause here, as I think it's worth noting again Ms. Lambert's video resume. She directed "Like a Virgin." "Like a Virgin." That's the first video ever, as far as I'm concerned, certainly the first one that made a lasting impression on me. And, as someone who knew of Madonna before he knew of Marilyn Monroe, the "Material Girl" video was a spectacle the likes of which I'd never seen. And who can forget the daring, audacious artistry of "Like a Prayer" with Leon? These are some of the biggest visuals of my childhood, and knowing that a director capable of making such an impression is in the driver's seat of MPvG makes me feel very, very good inside. And checking out her actual filmography, it only gets better.


Ms. Lambert directed both Pet Sematary movies, the Traci Lords-Mark Dacascos version of the AIP classic Dragstrip Girl, the super-hot teen thriller The In Crowd, and the third installment of the Urban Legends franchise, Bloody Mary. So what it seems we have here is a highly capable director used to soliciting screams from bloodthirsty audiences worldwide in charge of the hottest film of early 2011.


Debbie, Tiffany, Mary at the helm and a script by proven-ace Naomi Selfman (#1 Cheerleader Camp, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus): MPvG is a thriller creatively molded entirely by women, an Asylum first. Judging by the talent at their disposal, let's hope it the first of many to come.

creature feautre: Giant Octopus


It's sad, really: all the attention given to Mega Shark over the last couple of years has left another massive, formidable sea creature in the shadow of its ginormous dorsal fin - the Giant Octopus. Quickly becoming the Brian Dunkelman of one of the decade's most thrilling creature franchises, I thought it was time, especially amidst the recently reinvigorated swirl of interest around the Mega Shark, that we take a moment to remember and pay homage to a fallen warrior, a non-human who was just as instrumental in making the Mega Shark franchise a success, the George Frazier to MS's Muhammad Ali, the Garfunkel to it's Paul Simon, the one, the only, the dearly departed Giant Octopus.


On paper, this shouldn't even have been a struggle: the giant octopus (in general) has been a scourge of the seas for hundreds of thousands of years, the root creature for nearly every sea serpent story ever told, and the only creature in the briny depths courageous and capable enough of taking on fierce predators like sharks and mammoth prey like whales. I mean, shit, this one took down an oil derrick like it was crumpling up a Styrofoam cup. With a tentacle reach that can in some cases exceed 100 feet - that's per tentacle, mind you, so we're talking about 800+ feet of lashing, barbed, powerful flesh whipping around at all moments, and that's just on real giant octopi, not a CGI one from some prehistoric era I can't free-spell - and the power to crush nearly anything they get wrapped around, Mega Shark shouldn't have stood a chance against the Giant Octopus, no matter how mega he was. In fact, for the majority of the film - in my opinion at least - it seemed a foregone conclusion that Giant Octopus was gonna take this one home. Don't forget about the beak this thing has, either, razor sharp and curved for extracting a massive chunk out whatever it sinks itself into; once the Giant O had that angry fish in it's grasp, it should've been all over. The key word here being "should've," because the only thing that can thwart biology, is instinct.


See, the giant octopus (again, in general) is a predator that relies more upon its stealth, its secrecy, its natural acumen to capture and slay its prey, while the shark, in general and specific to the Mega Shark, is a rogue, a madman, a violent, thrashing, exploratory-biting, killing machine; it's aggressive, angry, brutal and merciless. Add this to its own degrees of stealth and acumen, and in this case the shark was simply the stronger predator, while the octopus, though giant, was just not giant enough.

In an ordinary, megalodon-less ocean, there's no question Giant Octopus would've been the apex predator with no conceivable rival aside from man, but unfortunate for Giant Octopus, he wasn't freed from that frozen stasis alone. And more unfortunate, perhaps, you can do a lot more spectacular stuff with a shark than you can an octopus. Really, it's a one-trick creature - all tentacle - while the shark has teeth and tail and the ability to launch itself 1500m above the surface of the sea to snag a passenger jet. I mean, the oil derrick thing was pretty cool, I get the statement, but you really can't compete with that plane trick by just hanging out in the water.

So maybe the decks were stacked against you, Giant Octopus, maybe you were the sure thing brought in to raise the odds on the underdog, a breed all its own. Either way, you fought valiantly, a true predator to the very end, and while we might not show you the recognition you deserve, and while your legacy will be forever linked with your destruction, rest easy, my tentacled, beaky friend, because you are not forgotten.


Giant Octopus
?? B.C. - May 26, 2009

Just a Reminder: Get Your Votes In!!!




 The voting period for the 1st Annual Looney Awards for Excellence in Asylum Films still has a few weeks left before time runs out, so if you haven't submitted your votes yet, check out the nominees and let your voice be heard!

Voting ends February 2nd, winners announce February 4th!

Sounds Like An Asylum Movie to Me

From the taxidermy bird production of Matrix Reloaded
I don't know if you guys have been checking the news out this past week, but there've been some pretty weird goings-on going on, the sort of stuff that would make Charles Fort, god rest his soul, sit up and take notice. Check this out:

  • December 31st, Arkansas - thousands of red-winged blackbirds are reported to fall dead from the sky over an area roughly a square mile. No diseases are found, no toxins, only blunt force trauma as though the entire flock was started at once and flew madly into one another. Officials speculate fireworks frightened the birds.
  • January 1- 5th, Brazil - 100 tons of dead fish wash ashore. As of yet, no cause has been determined.
  • January 3rd, Louisiana - 500 red-winged blackbirds, starlings and sparrows are found dead on the side of the highway. No fireworks are suspected.

  • January 3rd - 5th, England - 40,000 - that's not a mistype, 40,000 - small crabs wash onto the shore of the English coast, all of 'em dead. Officials suspect cold weather is the culprit. 

  • January 5th, Maryland - 2 million fish go belly-up, mostly small guys but, still, 2 million of them. Again cold weather is the supposed culprit, as previous cases can be cited in the same area from 1976 and 1980. 

  • January 5th, Sweden - hundreds of dead birds fall from the sky. As in Arkansas, blunt force trauma from "external blows" killed the bids. Once again they are found to be free of disease or toxin. Just beaten to death. 
  •  January 5th, Kentucky - hundreds of grackles, red-winged blackbirds, robins and starlings fall dead from the sky, again disease-free and non-poisoned.

Pretty weird, right? I mean, when you put it all together, this stuff is just a couple former teen-idols short of a Saturday night on SyFy. But does it really signify the beginning of the end, the first tremors of the fabled apocalypse? Probably not. Shit, even Kirk Cameron doesn't really think so. Most likely this kind of shit goes on all the time and we just don't notice it, kinda like how you never notice how many Volkswagens there are on the road until you play punch-buggy. The only ones who should be truly nervous about these events are red-winged blackbirds; someone's really got it out for those guys.


But you see what I mean? This one could go anywhere: it could be a religious-themed end-of-days epic, a Hitchcockian creature feature about a war between birds, an eco-terror thriller, metaphysical horror, paranoid psycho-drama, bad porn, anything! Five bucks says even if it isn't The Asylum who makes this movie (and it probably won't be), you'll still see a Bird Rain or some similar shit pop up on DVD by year's end.


I'm just hoping it stars Kirk Cameron. Ooh, and whichever Baldwin got himself born again.

Everybody Loves Sarah Lieving!


If there's a hotter celebrity on the planet right now, I don't want to hear about them because all of my interest is occupied following the many printed praises of The Asylum's most prolific actress, the talented and alluring Sarah Lieving. 

Yet another profile of the actress has surfaced online, this one by Josh Samford of Rogue Cinema. I was toying with the idea of trying to interview Ms. Lieving a month or so ago myself, but with all the exposure she's been getting of late (see below), I might want to wait until the heat dies down, if ever it does. Ms. Lieving looks to keep her publicity streak alive with the inevitable release of Fred Olen Ray's Super Shark, out later this year(?).

Check out the Rogue Cinema interview here, and for other recent Lieving press, check out the links below.

The Daily Reflector

Examiner

Moviehole

Pegasus News

Canton Daily Ledger

inmate profile: Rachel Goldenberg

Ms. Goldenberg, obviously, is the one without the awesome mustache.
In honor of the DVD release of Princess and the Pony - formerly 1st Furry Valentine - on the 25th of this month, I thought the inmate profile should turn its spotlight on Renaissance woman Rachel Goldenberg, whose resume with The Asylum is ridiculously impressive, especially for someone who seems so young*.

Besides the above-mentioned and forthcoming family film, Ms. Goldenberg also helmed the delightfully steampunk'd Sherlock Holmes and the strangely catchy Sunday School Musical. But beneath these three headlining gigs are a few years crammed to the hilt with production work for our favorite studio. Dig these credentials:


First Assistant Director on: The 7 Adventures of Sinbad, Princess of Mars, 2012 Supernova, Mega Fault, The Terminators, Monster, Alien vs. Hunter, I Am Omega


Line Producer on: Mega Fault, Dragonquest, Countdown:Jerusalem, 18 Year Old Virgin, Death Racers, Street Racer


And as though all this wasn't enough, she also wrote and edited two of her three directed-films for The Asylum, the first and the forthcoming. Girl's got more hats than a Lids Store. If The Asylum put out Wheaties boxes (I know, work with me here), Rachel Goldenberg would for sure be one of the featured.

There's no doubt Ms. Goldenberg has a bright, bright, bright future ahead of her. My only hope is that she sticks around The Asylum long enough to make a few more films. After all, there is that  big-screen Sherlock Holmes sequel coming soon that just dying to be mockbusted...

That date again for the release of Ms. Goldenberg's latest film is January 25th. Add it to your cues now!


* I'm basing this statement on nothing more than mere conjecture, having found very little information on Ms. Goldenberg online beyond her IMDB profile and the above photo on The Asylum's Photostream. So any assumptions I make that are incorrect, or conclusions I draw that are not factual, I apologize. I'm not really a journalist or anything, you know. Just sayin'

OMG! A Chance to Watch the MPvG Premiere with Tiffany and Debbie!



The best news ever (for non-Asylum and SyFy employees, that is) was dropped today: a chance to win a trip to NYC for the premiere of Mega Python vs Gatoroid attended by...stars Debbie Gibson and Tiffany! 

It's a pretty cool package actually: 2 roundtrip ticket to the Big Apple, ground transpo to and from the airport, 3 days/2 nights accommodations, a pair of tickets to the premiere and a pair of tickets to the exclusive after party, where you'll have a chance to rub elbows and clink glasses with two of the hottest former-pop-idols/burgeoning-scream-queens known to man. No word as of yet whether Mega Python or Gatoroid will be in attendance, I guess it all depends on how the film ends.

Check out The Asylum's post on the matter here, then pop over to the official rules for info on how to enter. But hurry, you only have until January 17, at 11:59 PM Eastern Standard Time (8:59 pm for us West Coasters) to get yourself entered. The premiere itself drops on January 24 and shows at the beautiful, historic Ziegfeld Theater in midtown Manhattan.

There are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, and then there are things so rare, so special, they occur even less than that, once-in-several-lifetimes, once-in-never. This, my friends and fellow committed, is one of those latter opportunities. May the best man (or woman) win.

BTW: if any of my readers are lucky enough to win this sweepstakes and are able to take photos at the premiere and after party, email them to me and I'll post 'em, as well as send you a treat!

observation notes: Legion of the Dead

It's a modern-day mummy scare courtesy of writer/director and Asylum executive Paul Bales.

When daredevil weekend motocross-ers in California stumble (crash) upon an Egyptian tomb (?), they accidentally unleash an ancient evil whose bloodlust has been lying dormant too long. This brings in university Egyptologist Zach Galligan (Gremlins) and his team of student archaeologists, including the requisite bespectacled hottie (Courtney Clonch) who's had the requisite drunken fling with her professor and now it's awkward as shit, but the education must go on, so here she is. Before the excavation can even get in full swing, however, there's already a confrontation with the local law enforcement (Bruce Boxleitner) and the mysteriously authoritative coroner (Andy Lauer) over issues of safety. Ominously, and foolishly, ZG dismisses their concerns, decreeing that all will be well (It most certainly will not).

Down in the tomb, the university team is joined by an Indiana-Jones style adventurer/academic of either French, German or British decent, I couldn't tell by the accent, oddly enough, and embodied by the capable form of Rhett Giles, who not only is able to disarm millennia-old booby traps, but also offer some bizarre yet I'm sure plausibly-anchored in historical fact explanation as to why there'd be an Egyptian tomb on the West Coast of the United States. I'll admit to being slightly buzzed at this point so not entirely following this logic, but the students on screen seemed to fall for it, and it's their field, so, who am I to doubt?

Hieroglyphics in the tomb spell out certain death but still our intrepid university-team foolishly continues to poke and prod about recklessly, even going so far as to open a mummy's coffin.  Now, I'm no Egyptologist, obviously, but I'm pretty sure if there was a rule book for such a thing, a guide of basic do's and don'ts handed out to every freshman Egyptology major, rule one on page one would read in big fucking bold, block letters: NEVER OPEN THE COFFIN. Or maybe that's just me.


So while this curse is unfurling, as if it wasn't enough, we get the first flares of in-team tension. Seems ZG is pleased with the drunken sexual encounter between he and the bespectacled hottie last year, but she isn't, and furthermore, who's even less pleased is the fella, also on the team, who's been trying to win her heart, let alone her loins, for some time now but she just keeps pushing him away, while pulling others closer. Essentially, this chick's boned too many dudes on this small team, and egos are colliding. And a danger such as this, a danger of the heart, can be the most perilous of all. Until the mummy awakes, of course, and then who gives a fuck about feelings?


And awake the mummy is, thanks to four-eyes' aloud-translation of the hieroglyphics, and, surprise of surprises, the mummy manifests as an eve hotter hottie (Claudia Lynx) with a penchant for walking around butt-ass naked and sucking your...wait for it...lifeforce (sorry) with her touch. A couple of souls in her system and our hottie mummy, now all alert and potent, sets out into the modern world, where she runs into the other hottie, the student, who - thinking our naked killer mummy some poor, disoriented naked foreigner - is nice enough to dress her in a shirt that shows plenty of her midriff. The mummy then uses the human hottie as a beard that she might infiltrate the Egyptoligists and unfurl her centuries-old plan of revenge (only Rhett Giles knows the mummy is a mummy, but this is no good, as he's on her side. D'oh!)


From here there be spoilers, ye be warned - but before its over there's a lot more dead and even more long-dead alive again, if that makes any sense. 

Overall, I found Legion of the Dead to be a fun scare, more heavy on gore than frights, but thanks to great FX and a solid script that kept its science light and the horror out front, balancing levity, historical accuracy, archaeological authenticity, thrills, chills and boobs like a master plate spinner. Helping this balance is an array of solid performances from the cast. ZG hasn't aged a day by the looks of things, no matter how big of a beard you put on him. And try as he might, he isn't as convincing as I would have liked at being the sleaze-ball, coed-preying university scalliwag, but he plays pathetic well, so when his character takes a turn in that direction, he really comes alive. Then, unfortunately, he really comes the opposite. Brief role for Zach, here. Also briefly on-screen is the other name, Bruce B, who as the sheriff has even less screen time than Zach. What lines he does have he reads as softly stern and likably authoritative. Feels like Greg Evigan in 6 Guns, he's on the box to get your attention, but the brunt of the action doesn't fall anywhere near him.

Of the two girls, Courtney the student hottie has the bigger role, which she plays as simultaneously capable and naive, a little doe-eyed but  intelligent, so not helpless. She was a lot of fun to watch, mostly because of her talent, but a little to do with that cut-off-collar sweatshirt she rocked for most of the film. I'm a sucker for off-duty-librarian-chic (you'll know what I mean if you need to). Claudia, our Egyptian minx, played her role of royalty as just that: poised, severe, breathtakingly beautiful, and all while frequently naked, to boot, so ascending to a whole new level of the aforementioned traits.


Writer/Director Paul Bales has written several other Asylum films, but to date this is his only trip behind the camera. The tricks of light and sound and tremors of camerawork he employs, along with his script, help to make this one more than a mere low-budget modern-day mummy flick, and instead a grade-A historical horror film that never takes itself too seriously, while never letting itself grown too light. 

Pretty damn good time, if you ask me.

Attention Philly Asylum Fans: Mega Shark Sighting!


One of my favorite parts about doing this here blog thing is getting the chance to meet - virtually - other Asylum fans from around the country and the world, sharing their enthusiasm and helping to spread the love. Case in point: I got an email this morning from one Jill S. in lovely Philadelphia, PA, where she works for The Academy of Natural Sciences. Seems Ms. S and her colleagues occasionally show Asylum films - the ones dealing with the natural(?) sciences - and riff on them MST3K style. Plus, there's beer! If one thing is awesome, and another thing is awesome, should those two things come together what you have is an evening awesome-squared. Last year they featured Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, and this year, due to popular demand, I assume, they're showing Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus Thursday, February 3rd. So if you're in Philly, or even near Philly, stop by the ANS and check things out from a scientist's perspective. Get all the info you need right here.

outside the walls: Non-Asylum Inklings


I recognize that not all great films are made exclusively by The Asylum and that, in fact, there's a whole world of film outside these walls, some of which might actually interest Asylum fans, when they're not watching or re-watching Asylum films, of course. And, being as I'm only looking out for your viewing well-being, here's a peek at some other DVD releases this month which might satiate you between Asylum releases. But remember, as always. Sweet n' Low ain't sugar.

January 4




Demon Resurrection











The Last Exorcism










Machete









Wolvesbayne
directed by Griff Furst (I Am Omega, 100 Million B.C.)
written by Leigh Scott (Transmorphers, Beast of Bray Road)







January 11th 

 



Funny or Die Season 1










Legion: The Final Exorcism










Piranha (not 3D on DVD)











Psychosis






January 18th





Death Race 2






 




The Virginity Hit






January 25th





Final Spawn
starring Lance Henriksen
(Pirates of Treasure Island, The DaVinci Treasure)





 



House of Bones
written by Leigh Scott
Primal

whispers from another cell: News From Within The Asylum


It's a big month for The Asylum - there are two releases dropping in the next couple of weeks: Princess and the Pony (a.k.a. 1st Funny Valentine)(Jan. 25) and the SyFy original movie Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (Jan. 29). In the weeks to come I'll have some specific cast and crew profiles with various members of both films, but for now I thought I'd preface things with a bit of an overview for anyone who might be joining us for the first time. 

Princess and the Pony is The Asylum's first full-on foray into the realm of family-oriented filmmaking. It's true they've made a few titles under the Faith Films banner, which are somewhat more suited for children than their regular fare, though only in the same way that perhaps making children choose their own branch to be whipped with is, and there was also the G-rated Pirates of Treasure Island, but that starred Lance Henriksen, who is in no way whatsoever appropriate for children.                                                               
This then becomes the trailblazing film in what could be another brilliant marketing offshoot for the guys who never met a genre they didn't like. And it's certainly hitting all the high notes: not only is there a princess, and a pony, but the film tackles themes of peer ridicule and emotional bullying as well, and even has a carnival in it, though said carnival seems to be an evil thing, which most are, so, important lesson.

P&P stars newcomer Fiona Perry in her feature film debut as the titular princess, Bobbi Jo Lathan and Ron Hajak as the well-meaning Americans she's sent to, Bill Oberst Jr. as the conniving carnival owner and a few Asylum regulars like Debra Harrison-Lowe (MILF, Transmorphers), Johnathan Nation (Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Dragonquest), Matthew Farhat (Countdown:Jerusalem, 2010 Supernova) and, in her first appearance in two years, Kim Little (Killers, Killers 2, Supercroc). Written and directed by Rachel Lee Goldenberg (Sherlock Holmes), check out the trailer right here.


Then there's Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, the film the entire internet's been all abuzz about given that it's two stars - Debbie Gibson and Tiffany - have been the subject of tabloid fodder since their days of mall-pop stardom more than two decades ago. Yessir, everyone's so caught up in watching these two former teen-idols go at it that no one's stopping to consider the truly important question here: what the hell is a Gatoroid? 

But the big point of interest here is that MPvG - The Asylum's second SyFy original movie, the first being last year's Mega Piranha - stands to help continue an astounding streak: the last five SyFy original movies (Lake Placid 3, Sharktopus, Red: Werewolf Hunter, Triassic Attack and Ice Quake) have each garnered a premiere viewing audience of more than two million; should MPvG generate comparable numbers, the streak is kept alive. Me personally, I'm calling for 2.5 - 2.8 million viewers. People have been waiting for this particular cat fight a loooooooooong time.

MPvG is directed by Mary Lambert (Pet Semetary I & II) from a script by Naomi Selfman (Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus), and also stars former "L.A. Law" hunk A. Martinez (returning to The Asylum after his inaugural film The Terminators) and former Monkee Mickey Dolenz, no doubt talked into the role by his daughter, Asylum-alum Amy Dolenz (2012 Apocalypse). No word on a DVD release date as of yet, but rest assured SyFy will be playing the shit out of this one for the next couple of months. Check out the four available clips over at the SyFy site.