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inmate profile: Mark Atkins


You'd be hard-pressed to find a harder working dude in The Asylum's stable (that isn't David Michael Latt) than Mark Atkins. Director, editor, writer and cinematographer, Atkins has had a hand in a plethora of Asylum releases. Check out these stats:

  • cinematographer of 20 films
  • editor of 6
  • director of 7
  • writer of 2
  • visual effects for 3
  • second unit director for 2
A graduate of the University of Central Florida, Atkins first film, Night Orchid, won the Best First Feature Film award at the New Orleans Film Festival in 1997. Since then he has worked - as far as films are concerned - almost exclusively with The Asylum, which makes him not only an Original Inmate, but a true American hero. If you still remember how to use MySpace, check him out here. Or if that's too antiquated for you, hit up his production website for more info on this champion behind the scenes.

Mark Atkins, consider yourself saluted.

observation notes: The Day The Earth Stopped

The only Asylum movie to ever illicit a lawsuit, The Day the Earth Stopped was none-too-liked by the execs over at Fox, who thought the film's similarity to a certain, like-named and worse Keanu Reeves movie generated a "likelihood of confusion" among consumers. I work in a video store (big surprise, I know) and no one, even the mentally challenged or drug-addled, has ever confused Jennifer Connelly for C. Thomas Howell.

Plot in a nutshell: spaceships that look like sperm invade our galaxy and deposit on Earth robots or leftover transmorphers or some shit intent on doing us in. A rogue citizen of this alien race comes to warn us, assuming the form of a hot chick. And from there (as well as to there) it's basically the same movie as the Keanu shitstorm - with the added bonus of a thinly-veiled Christian end-message - slow to begin but once the concept hooks, it's a low-grade FX spectacular, a little simplistic, yes, but the best science-fiction movies often are; survival in the face of impossible, inconceivable odds is often compelling enough on its own, and in that regard, The Asylum's version of this sci-fi classic surpasses the Hollywood version, which is ultimately too political and concerned with rooting itself in a believable environment as opposed to just copping to the fact that it's a movie about a giant fucking robot. Own it, Fox. Their shit looks like a long episode of "The X-Files" with even worse lighting.

C. Thomas Howell is awesome as always, smoldering and compassionately disaffected, a sort-of shlub who's the only one to believe the hot alien. But C. Tom doesn't just rock this one in front of the lens, he rocks it from behind as well (all of that sounded so pornographic, I know, but I'm keeping it) as the film's director, his second such assignment for The Asylum. For a complicated, FX-laden busyfest, C. keeps his shots taut and concise, balancing panoramas of destruction with the tighter moments of chaos that fuel the tension.

Oh, and Judd Nelson finally drags his ass to work with 27 minutes to go to play the boisterously frazzled father of humanity's salvation.


A choice conversational snippet from this one:

"Prove that human life has value? How the hell am I supposed to do that?!"

"Did you ever see The goddamn Lion King!?"

R.I.P. Kevin McCarthy



A guy who would have made a great addition to any Asylum movie, Kevin McCarthy, best known as the star the original Invasion of the Body Snatchers and for his memorable turns for Joe Dante in Innerspace, The Howling and Piranha, as well as the 1978 Body Snatchers remake and Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College, passed today of natural causes. He was 96 years old.

Godspeed, Mr. McCarthy.

observation notes: 18-Year-Old Virgin


Ah yes. The requisite female-centric sex comedy. From Coming Soon to Jennifer's Body, every so often a woman tries her hand at grossing out America with the amount of boudoir secrecy she's willing to reveal. And skin.

This film is the ultimate of these: a female lead with the fantasy life of Jonah Hill, the rack of a playmate, and the inhibitions of a crack whore.

18-Year-Old Virgin is based on the preposterous suggestion that an 18 year old girl with no physical deformities or obviously psychotic tendencies has to actively seek sex. Yet try as she might, our C-cup heroine can't quite find the right lover.

In reality, this girl puts her thumb out on the side of the road and two weeks later she's a porn star. (oh right, lead actress Olivia May is best known for her work on "Co-Ed Confidential," which is as close to porn as softcore gets)

Speaking of Olivia May, outside of parentheses, from the box art to the final credits it isn't she who stars so much as it is her tits, which are seen within the first three minutes and then often throughout. Which isn't a bad thing, as her tits are better actresses than she is.

I have to be honest here. I didn't watch all of this movie. For that reason alone feel free to scroll to the next entry. But I watch a lot of movies, more than any grown man in a healthy relationship should (my lady's the bomb), and I think there's something to it when even I won't finish a film. And I did not finish this film. Truthfully, I got 37 minutes in then turned it off. And I like boobs, a lot, but boobs alone do not a movie make, try as Olivia May's boobs might. I stated in an earlier review I have issues with the comedies of The Asylum, but I am not here to denigrate. For a very large percentage of the population this film will satisfy (more than it should). I'm just not the target audience.

That said, if you like far-fetched scenarios whose only real design is to include as many beautiful women, dick jokes and tits as possible, this is where the buck stops.

Unapologetic, raucous and scintillating.

More Tiffany/Debbie Advance Hype



Man, the internet is going fucking nuts over the pairing of former teen pop idols Tiffany and Debbie Gibson in the upcoming Asylum flick Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. This is the biggest match-up America didn't know it was longing for since Screech boxed Horshack. Here's yet another article interviewing Tiffany on the work she's done for the Asylum, the work she'd like to do, and the long-standing "rivalry" between she and Ms. Gibson. No release date yet on MP vs. G, but as soon as I know, you'll know.

Sharks are the New Vampires


So I know I've touched on this before, but yet another shark trailer was released this weekend, a SyFy original dubbed Swamp Shark, and it made me curious exactly how many shark films we can expect in the next year. The answer? Quite a few:

Sharktopus (9/25/10)
Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (12/21/2010!!!)
Dinoshark (2010) (already aired on SyFy, no DVD)
The Reef (2010)
Supershark (2011)
Swamp Shark (2011)
Dark Tide (2011)
Shark Night 3D (2011)
Bait (2011)

Scratch that headline: sharks aren't the new vampires, vampires are still struggling to become the new sharks.

outside the walls: Non-Asylum Inklings


So I'll admit it, there are films not produced by The Asylum. There always have been, always will be. These glasses I wear are not rose-colored. They are clear, and occasionally smudged with fingerprints. A sampling of non-Asylum films due soon and news that might spark the interest of Asylum fans. Just remember, Sweet 'n Low ain't Sugar.


Roger Corman's Sharktopus Coming to SyFy September 25th

It's interesting: the last few years, most of this decade, actually, cinematic stalwart Roger Corman has been uncharacteristically docile, producing far less films than he has in decades past. They gave the guy an honorary Oscar last year, so maybe that spurred him on, because suddenly he's putting out a lot more movies, all of them suspiciously marine-oriented. It's a safe bet he's been keeping up with what The Asylum's been doing, as evidenced by this trailer. When Eric Roberts genetically combines a shark with an octopus at the government's behest, he winds up with the most efficient hunter the planet has ever known. And the weirdest-looking. Will The Asylum be one-upped by the king of the genre they dominate? Find out on September 25th, then wait a couple of months for Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus to raise the ante all over again.


Other upcoming SyFy original programming includes yet another ruining of a beloved childhood classic, Peter Pan, by Nick Willing, the same dude who trashed The Wizard of Oz (Tin Man), which ruined Zooey Deschanel for me forever, and Alice, the source should be obvious, which I didn't even bother to watch because Tin Man was so shitty. The planned abomination is a prequel to the original story (ugh) and most offensively, stars Academy Award nominee Bob Hoskins reprising his role from Spielberg's Hook as first mate Smee (ugh squared). Also in the pipeline are Garden of Evil, starring Adrain Pasdar ("Heroes," After Dark), Mandrake, about some freaky tree, Frost Giant, about, well, a frost giant, and Roadkill, currently filming in Ireland and starring Lake Placid 3 uber-hottie Kacey Barnfield. Keep your eyes on local listings, or just keep tuning in here for updates and reviews.


Burning Bright
now on DVD

Though she's never appeared in an Asylum film, Briana Evigan has a connection to The Asylum. Her father, Greg Evigan, has appeared in 6 Guns, 100 Million BC and Journey to the Center of the Earth, this latter film along with her sister, Vanessa Lee Evigan. So we give a shout out to the other Evigan's newest flick, released on DVD August 17th, about a zookeeper's daughter trapped in a house with a bloodthirsty Bengal tiger. Even though she's not nuclear family, she's still worth a watch. Burning Bright costars the awesome Garrett Dillahunt. Think The Ghost and The Darkness meets When a Stranger Calls.


Aussie Director Follows One Water Movie With Another


Andrew Traucki, writer/director of the not-so-awesome crocodile flick Black Water, has finished his follow up and is set to release it later this year. The Reef concerns the crew of a sailboat that capsizes off Australia's Great Barrier Reef, a.k.a. Great White Central. Oddly enough, there's never been a big-budget GBR shark movie, so the potential for this to be an Open Water-style standout exists. Hopefully it won't suck like Black Water did. Check out the official website, and the poster. The latter has an awesome tagline.


AMC Releases Walking Dead Motion Comic in Advance of Pilot Premiere

By now everyone knows the greatest comic currently in publication, Image's "The Walking Dead," is being transformed into an AMC original series by Stephen King aficionado Frank Darabont. While the show won't start until Halloween Night at10p.m. with a 90-minute pilot, AMC has released a motion comic of the series' first issue. What's a motion comic, you ask? What do you think? It's a comic that moves. Check it out AMC's site for the comic and much more.

In related "Walking Dead" news, it was announced September 1, a full 90 days before the premiere, that AMC has already re-upped, ordering 13 additional episodes for Season 2.


First Trailer for Leigh Scott's Witches of Oz

Leigh Scott - director of ten Asylum features including King of the Lost World, Hillside Cannibals and Transmorphers - has just released the first making-of trailer for his next film, the 3d Witches of Oz. Based on an original story, Scott's movie has Dorothy all grown up and a successful childrens author, drawing on what she thinks are vivid imaginings from her childhood. But when she realizes they're not imaginings but repressed memories, it opens a flood gate of fantastical reality, culminating with the Wicked Witch of the West touching down in Times Square. Check out the trailer here. He even mentions The Asylum. Christopher Lloyd, Mia Sara, Ethan Embry, Sean Astin, Billy Boyd, Lance Henriksen and Jeffrey Combs comprise the cast, with the lovely Paulie Rojas (of The Last Resort fame) as Dorothy. No release date as of yet, but news can't be far off.


Altitude
Gets A Trailer

Altitude, the direct to DVD thriller from first-time feature director Kaare Andrews, finally released an official trailer. Altitude is the story of four teenage friends in their own small-engine plane (not exactly how me and my friends hung out in high school) that experience both a technical glitch - the plane keeps climbing in altitude uncontrollably - and a paranormal encounter in the form of some Lovecraftian tentacled cloud squid thing. The movie hits your local, independent video stores in October then Netflix (which is stealing your personal information and selling it to terrorists*) and those Redbox things (which cause cancer**) a month or so later. Check out the trailer here, courtesy of FirstShowing.net, courtesy of ShockTilYouDrop.com

*this statement is not supported by any discernible evidence. pure, wild speculation on my part.
**ditto


A Couple of Cool Posters

From Friday the 13th and The Expendables. Thanks to The National Post and CHUD.com, respectively.

observation notes: Monster

http://www.slashfilm.com/wp/wp-content/images/monster.jpg
Little heard of and rarely referenced in the Mockbuster conversations, The Asylum's take on Cloverfield is in many ways, if not every way, superior to the film it riffs on.

Set in Tokyo and seen through the eyes and lens of two American documentarians, sisters, Monster concerns a massive earthquake that is not at all an earthquake, but rather a massive tentacled thing rising from the tectonic depths beneath us. From there the story is pretty much the same as Cloverfield: the sisters try to survive while everything around them goes to shit. A bit of added fear and confusion in that they're foreigners, which works, and a bit of exposition meant to establish the sisters as idealistic, impassioned filmmakers devoted to their subject, global warming, which does not work.

This was my one problem with Monster, which is why I'm mentioning it up front, to get it out of the way, because the rest of what I have to say will be positively glowing. So here goes: there is zero believability in these women as filmmakers about such a serious subject. Little sis comprises the entire crew, for fuck's sake. Why travel all the way to Japan to shoot a movie and then take just one, non-professional, totally inexperienced woman-child? And who interviews a CEO in a tank top?

(The CEO isn't in the tank top, she is, the interviewer. Just in case there was confusion.)

But this petty grievance aside, where Monster succeeds most is in it's commitment and loyalty to the documentary style: crediting characters Sarah Lynch and Erin Sullivan as directors within the context of the film, and for camerawork in the actual credits (For sisters, they tend to shoot each others boobs a lot. I'm just saying.); maiming the film with splotchy sound, pixellated images and cut-outs, the requisite shaky camerawork. But that's where Monster and Cloverfield diverge. Wheras the latter put most all its style in the physical - that is, how the person holding the camera affected what it saw and how - Monster divides its style between the physical and the technical, making the camera more of a character, faulty in its own right, and the ultimate narrator. I'm not saying Cloverfield didn't play with the technical, they just didn't do it as well as Monster does.

As for the other performers, Ms. Lynch (Sarah Lieving) and Ms. Sullivan (Erin Evans, though she acts under the name Sullivan), aside from that bit of unpleasantness I mentioned above, they are superbly convincing as disaster-struck foreigners and concerned siblings, and it is here, in their relationship with one another, and the camera, that the true emotional power of the film arrives. As the danger mounts each sister responds differently to the camera's presence, the little sis caring fuck-all about it anymore and the big sis growing proportionally more devoted to her film, now a different film entirely.

I'm going to back-peddle a little here. It strikes me that perhaps the sisters' unbelievability in their professions was intentional, and the writer may have been looking to establish them as people with ambitions bigger than their talents, more passionate than capable, and thus at a total loss in this calamity; the least suitable in the most incredible. If that's the case, then I eat my above words and this pair of actresses is flawless. However it could just be that I'm reading too much into it. Either way, that's the point of a good film, right? To intrigue you, on whatever minute or random level.

Bottom line, Monster, to me at least, is the most realistic film in The Asylum's catalog, and one of the best, if not my favorite. The action is FX light, the emotional conflict takes precedent over the history, science or mythology of the creature and for the concept - that of a live-filmed, monster-related disaster - it is scarier, more engaging and more heart-wrenching than Cloverfield.

In this case, as far as I'm concerned, Mockbuster beats Blockbuster, hands down.

Inside the Actor's Blog




Pretty...interesting blog here from actor D.C. Douglas, most notable for his voiceover work for Geico and the terms under which he was relieved of said work, but relevant here because he plays the Captain in Titanic II. These two experiences somehow weave themselves together in the above linked post straight out of the horse's mouth, complete with video clips of his work for The Asylum, four films to date.

Enjoy.

inmate profile: C. Thomas Howell

One of the most recognizable stars in The Asylum's galaxy is C. Thomas Howell, who rose to fame in the early 1980's thanks to pivotal roles in films such as The Outsiders, E.T. and Red Dawn. And who could possibly forget his star-making turn in the delightfully racist Soul Man? Truthfully, that's where the rise leveled off, but C. Thomas kept plowing ahead, putting close to 100 movies under his belt over the last two decades, all over the spectrum: big-budget Hollywood pics, TV movies, and direct-to-video horror, drama, action, sci-fi and adventure flicks.

Then he entered The Asylum.

In five years C. Thomas has made five films with The Asylum - War of the Worlds, The Da Vinci Treasure, War of the Worlds 2, The Day the Earth Stopped and The Land That Time Forgot - the last three of which he directed. That's right! C. Thomas is not only acting for The Asylum, he's directing! Very capably, I might add.

Though there's nothing lined up in the immediate future between C. Thomas and The Asylum, the big man's keeping himself plenty busy, as usual, with six films in various stages of production at the moment, the most interesting of which seems to be Camel Spiders, about these things.

One can only hope that if MGM ever gets their shit together or sold, the Red Dawn remake will be released and The Asylum can mockbust that (Crimson Dusk? Maroon Twilight? Fuchsia Noon?), with C. Thomas as the small-town sheriff who rallies his citizens to fight back against the invading North Koreans. Stranger things have happened. Like the aforementioned Soul Man.

C. Thomas Howell, consider yourself saluted.

Asylum Producer Video Interview!

Recently in Tilburg, The Netherlands, the annual Incubate Festival was held, an exhibition of "diverse views on indie culture as a whole, including music, contemporary dance, film and visual arts." Well, to cover their asses for film, they invited the fine folks at The Asylum to come by and, among other things, premiere Titanic II to European audiences.

One of the products of this festival is this great 21-minute interview with Asylum producer David Rimawi. Rimawi gives a lot of insight into how Asylum films are made, from conception to distribution, and talks about the company's awareness of the marketplace as a vital component to their success.

But don't let me explain it to you, get it from the man himself. Go.

Go!

newly committed: Asylum Release Dates




8213 Gacy House - 9/28/2010

MILF - 10/26/2010

Ballistica - 11/16/2010

Moby-Dick - 11/23/2010

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (!!!) - 12/21/2010

observation notes: Journey to the Center of the Earth

One of three adaptations of the Jules Verne classic to come out in the same 18-month period - the other two being the Brendan Fraser 3D event and the Ricky Schroeder non-event - The Asylum gives it their own special twist.

Okay, so, here we go: Greg Evigan is some kind of stargate scientist or something, and in the process of beaming an elite military unit composed entirely of hot chicks, somehow the calibrations go wrong and they end up in the center of the Earth, a lush, prehistoric landscape. So Evigan has to track down his ex-wife, the delightful DeeDee Pfeiffer, who just happens to be developing a miracle laser-digger. As if this string of coincidences wasn't enough, one of the members of the hot-chick military unit is DeeDee's sister (who in real life is Evigan's daughter!!)! Da-da-dummmmmm!

Fast-paced, exciting and endearing thanks laregly to the two leads. Greg Evigan hasn't aged a day or lost an ounce of charm since "My Two Dads," and DeeDee Pfeiffer, as usual, showcases the same comedic/dramatic skills that made Cameron Diaz a star, with a dash of frenetic obsessiveness that made Crispin Glover so creepy. How's that for a mash-up? Notable among the hot chicks are the aforementioned Evigan daughter, Vanessa Lee (other daughter Brianna is of Step Up 2, S. Darko and Sorority Row fame) and Caroline Attwood, the female reporter from Death Racers, who thankfully gets a lot more screen time here (she's kinda hot is why the "thankfully").

Two quotes best sum up this experience, which truthfully I enjoyed more than the big screen epic, and certainly more than the Ricky Schroeder shit-bomb:

"Wait a minute; why would a tyrannosaurus be here in the first place?"

AND

"All right you bitch hag, let's do this...AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"

a quick post to say...

...that if posts over the next week or so don't come as regular as they have been, it's because I have managed to manipulate an otherwise sound woman into marrying me. In addition to this event, I've planned a week of further brainwashing South of the Border to seal the deal. On the plus side, if the oil spill in the Gulf has produced any mutated marine life, I'll be right there to bring you the first pix. Pray for the mutated marine life, otherwise the only photos I'll have to share will be of me drunk and speedo-ed. That's right, I rock a speedo. I was on the swim team in high school; they take me back to a special time. What an odd way to end a post about getting married.

Birthday Wishes...





...are extended today to the lovely and talented Debbie Gibson, star of The Asylum's Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and the forthcoming Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, who turns a no-way! 40 today.

observation notes: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus


Is this even necessary at this point? MSvGO is a phenomenon, one of the most Googled trailers of last year and the most noted film in The Asylum's stable. A confirmed sequel has already entered production (Crocosaurus, anyone?) and the film could be considered the beginning of a lucrative new branch in Debbie Gibson's career. Some of us knew about The Asylum before this; now its recognition extends beyond video store clerks, AICN trolls and Fangoria subscribers. Mega Shark made The Asylum "legit," in a public sense, and could be said to have inspired, financially, the non-Asylum mega- monster flicks you're going to hear about in the next year, like this, this, this and of course, this.

So what's left to say? If you're even here, chances are you've seen this movie more than once, so what would be the point describing the plot? Even if you hadn't seen it, the title tells you pretty much everything you need to know. There's a really big shark, an equally large octopus, and they are not happy with each other. Marine fisticuffs ensue. A plane is eaten. Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas pay their mortgages. Some nerd got to make this thing.

So this isn't a review, per se, it's a nod. I'm doing this blog, and I'm a little late to the party to get a jump on the mega-phenomenon of MSvGO, so I'm just going to say thanks, movie, for being good, and earning your creators the recognition they deserve. Long may you play.

observation notes: Death Racers

The Asylum takes on Jason Statham taking on Roger Corman in this film set in a typically nihilistic American future where crime and death are commerce, and virtue is for the pathetically weak.

Four, two-person teams of cons are racing and killing for their freedom, vying to be the last team standing. By now you're probably thinking, "Okay, well, that sounds interesting, I guess. I mean, it's been done, but this could be special, though he's not really selling it, he's not giving me a reason to see it. Maybe I'll scroll down a little, see if..." Let me stop you right there. You want a hook? You want a little something extra to wet your whistle, leave you thirsty for more of what Death Racers is pouring? Okay, all right, well how about you try this on for size:

One of the teams is made up of Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, the motherfucking Insane Clown Posse. Playing themselves.

Now I'm no Juggalo - I have very sensitive skin and a detectable IQ - but I do appreciate ridiculous assholes who somehow manage to burrow themselves into our culture like chiggers. And man are these guys ridiculous assholes! They got a tricked-out ice cream truck, a couple of hatchets and a cunning knack for linguistics that produces such memorable lines as, "When was that ever in a million-rim-job-years a good idea?" (as though "rim-job-years" are longer? shorter?) and, "That's what I said about your mama last night when I plowed her, except you might not recognize her: I shaved her back" (as though shaving the gentleman's mother's back is somehow a part of the seduction process, a kind of preening foreplay. genius)

The clowns are astoundingly capable within the violent context - gory even by Asylum standards - bringing a very believable psychosis to their roles as thrill-killing speed (the motion kind) freaks. As for the rest of the cast, there's some mohawked cyborgs, fake-ass cholos, an acting wrestler and an all-female team that goes by the name Vaginamyte. I'm going to put that out in the open so you can better absorb it.

Vaginamyte.

This one's got class written all over it. In shit. A delightful gangbang of a movie.

IMDB Recognizes The Asylum...Kinda

I was writing up some observation notes to be released at a later date when I noticed the tab "Block Blunder" attached to the film's IMDB page. Now, I've heard "mockbuster," and I've heard that Mr. Latt prefers to refer to the films as "tie-ins" due to their always-original stories (though the context may be shared) but I've never heard of "Block Blunder." My surprise, you can imagine, when I clicked the link and found this list.

Personally - yep, I'm about to make too big a deal about this - I find the term just plain erroneous. A "blunder," I would imagine, would be something that has failed tremendously, a mistake, an error of economical proportions. Asylum films are anything but. That's why they make them - they're blunder-proof. A block blunder, I would think, would be something like Waterworld, or The Sorcerer's Apprentice, some big-budget studio film that performed well under expectations.

So what's the point, 977, you're no doubt asking yourself?

I'm not really sure. I felt indignant. I wanted to share.

whispers from another cell: News From Within The Asylum

IN PRODUCTION: it's the wet dream of every man who was a teenage pop fan in the late 80's - Tiffany and Debbie Gibson together, in the same film, and cat-fighting no less!

From the director of Pet Sematary and the writer of #1 Cheerleader Camp comes MEGA PYTHON VS. GATOROID! Debbie is the hippie animal rights activist who frees illegal snakes in the Everglades, where they grow to Mega proportions and threaten the indigenous alligator population, protected by park-ranger Tiffany. What the Gatoroid is or how it factors into things is being kept under wraps, but I pray to god it has laser eyes and a hydraulic jaw. Expected to debut on SyFy next year, a trailer should be coming soon. In the meantime, take a look at that cat-fight in production right here.



CULTURE WATCH: If you have the misfortune of watching the Steve Carrell-Tina Fey debacle that is Date Night on DVD, check out the gag reel: in the scene in the apartment of James Franco and Mila Kunis' characters, when the closet is opened and the videos fall, a copy of Killers, directed by David Michael Latt, can be seen quite clearly.

observation notes: Titanic II


There is a certain absurdity that must be overlooked if you're going to enjoy Titanic II, by all other accounts a highly enjoyable film: no shipbuilder in the world would ever, ever, ever name their ship Titanic II. Ever. It's like christening a new space shuttle the Challenger II, or building a summer camp on a Native American Burial Ground - you're just inviting disaster. Seriously, every time they same the name of the ship, I instinctively winced. But this could just be me. However, as it's my blog, I figured this was the spot to voice that grievance. Moving on...

On the 100th anniversary of its namesake's fateful journey, the Titanic II - the brainchild of a young trust-funder - is set to retrace the original route, going backwards this time, from New York to England. Cuz, you know, that's not tempting anything.

The side-story is the impending collapse of glacial shelves in the Arctic, colorfully demonstrated in the film's opening sequence when a adrenaline junkie surfing the waves created by breaking glaciers (classy) is thoroughly fucked when a little too much breaks off.

Enter Bruce (MegaFault, X-Men, Mother Jugs and Speed)Davison, concerned Coast Guard glaciologist, via whose daughter(Marie Westbrook, 100 Million BC, Dracula's Curse), coincidentally a nurse on Titanic II, we meet the myriad supporting cast members who compromise the passengers, a.k.a. the victims, including the trust-funder (writer/director/legacy Shane Van Dyke, who's also responsible for Paranormal Entity and the scripts for 3 other Asylum films), who coincidentally enough has a past with Davison's daughter. Lots of coincidences.

The film alternates between the ship's lavish journey and Davison's dour discovery that shit's going down in the Arctic. Enter Brooke Burns, the hottest scientist since Denise Richards played a Bond girl, spouting a lot of "state-sized" this and "mega-tsunami" that, driving home some Al Gore hit points and otherwise just rocking a fur-lined parka. The gist is this: the ice shelf is set to collapse, and when it does, it's going to ripple the shit out of the North Atlantic, sending killer waves and killer ice toward the Titanic II. Yikes. (nice segue back to ship here via a single ice cube being dropped into a glass of water. subtle.) Basically our villain here is a super wave throwing icebergs. That's pretty fucking cool, and a pretty fucking smart way to tie-in to the original ending and the current ecological state while still being inventive. Hats off on this point, Mr. Van Dyke. I mean, it's the natural equivalent of the speedball, that move the X-Men used to pull with Colossus as the ocean and Wolvie as the iceberg. Fucking insane.

From here the action unfurls, and I'll leave that spoiler-free but to give kudos on the Vernesian lifeboats and triage with a credit card. Nuff said.

Bruce Davison is the perfect choice for his role, curmudgeonly concerned and looking permanently constipated, which works. Brooke Burns is believable, and brought her pink lipstick to the Arctic, which is a nice variation to the color spectrum. Truthfully she's not on screen that much, it's like, "Oh yeah, Brooke Burns," kinda like life.

Titanic II rests its burden mostly on Van Dyke, Westbrook and a strong supporting cast including Wittly Jourdan (Allan Quatermain..., Alien v. Hunter), Myles Cranford (MegaPiranha, MegaShark...) and Matt Lagan ( Princess of Mars, Meteor Apocalypse).

Bottom line, Titanic II is a taut, suspenseful, strangely believable film with great FX, not at all the campfest mainstream media was expecting it to be based on the title. This is no scenario to scoff at, and it's deftly handled by the fine folks at The Asylum. Shit, I liked it more than Titanic, story-wise. And it took half the time to watch, so, there's that.