Announcing the Mega-Marathon Blogfest! Mega-Live!

So here's the deal: I'm still working out the technical details of this one, but I would like to cordially invite all the Asylum committed (at least those living on the West Coast) to watch the Mega Python vs Gatoroid premiere - and all the prior festivities - with me on Saturday, January 29th, via a live blogging event I'm calling (and getting made into a banner) the... 

Mega-Marathon Blogfest! Mega-Live!

See, it isn't just MPvG SyFy's showing that night; they're going to preface the film with two other Asylum classics - Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (starring Debbie Gibson) at 5 p.m., and Mega Piranha (starring Tiffany) at 7 p.m., then the premiere of Mega Python vs Gatoroid (starring Debbie Gibson and Tiffany) at 9 p.m.. 


That's three movies over six hours, every single second of which is guaranteed to be mega-awesome. 



I'll be offering LIVE commentary on my blog during all three movies - including live observation notes for MPvG -  as well as posting photos of my festivities, sharing cocktail recipes, enjoying mega-snacks, taking your comments, and generally inching that much closer to fulfilling my dream of becoming the SyFy Saturday Night Robert Osborne. I'm even gonna post cocktail ingredients the Wednesday before (the 26th) should you want to drink along as well as watch along with me. 



For Asylum fans, a night like the 29th is as big as it gets - 3 great movies from out favorite studio back to back to back, climaxing with a world premiere - and to ensure we get many more nights like this in the future, we have to tune in en masse to drive the ratings through the roof! At this point, Sharktopus holds the ratings record for a SyFy Saturday Night Original Movie at 2.5 million viewers. Sharktopus. That's just disgusting, in my book. This is our chance to help The Asylum usurp what's rightfully theirs: undisputed dominance of the Saturday night creature feature.

So join me, Saturday, January 29th, beginning at 5 p.m. Pacific Standard Time, for the inaugural Mega-Marathon Blogfest! Mega-Live! I swear it's not going to be half as pathetic as it sounds!



 

Mega Python Director Interviewed! (not by me)

Fangoria - the king of my sorta film sites - has nabbed a major coup this morning and gotten an exclusive interview with Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (and Pet Sematery I & II) director Mary Lambert.

It's a great interview with an accomplished director offering unique insight into just how she approached something as complicated and under the public microscope of scrutiny as MPvG. Kudos to Fangoria for landing this. Attention for this movie has always been high, from the moment it was announced, but in the last couple of weeks it's really started to ramp up. 3 million viewers might not be as far-fetched as once was thought.

Do your part and tune in next Saturday night - not tomorrow, the Saturday after that - at 9p.m. for the premiere. And speaking of which (the premiere), stop back by this site mid-afternoon for another announcement about certain festivities in which you may or may not be wanting to participate.

observation notes: Princess and the Pony (formerly 1st Furry Valentine)

You didn't think I was gonna skip this one, did you? You didn't assume that just because this is a massive thematic departure for The Asylum, their first, full-on venture into family filmmaking (overlooking Sunday School Musical - incidentally from this director - and Pirates of Treasure Island; the former is aimed at teens and the latter has too much cleavage for anyone under 10) that I would choose to ignore it? Oh no, my friends - in for a penny, in for a pound, that's practically the colloquial definition of "committed," and I'm nothing but. These guys could release a knitting instructional video and I'd watch it. Twice. So here we go:

When a privileged but sheltered princess (Fiona Perry) is threatened by a breach of palace security, her mother the Queen (Kim Little, in her first Asylum flick since 2009's Countdown:Jerusalem) makes the decision to send her to America where she has an aunt (Bobbi Jo Lathan) living in the heartland, far from suspicious or pernicious eyes and hands. Once there, immersed in the decidedly plebeian culture, forced to pretend she is the opposite of herself, a normal little girl, our princess naturally has trouble making friends, at least of the human variety; when she discovers a carnival pony, however, it's love at first sight. But this love is soon threatened when the ne'er-do-well carnival owner (Bill Oberst Jr.) discovers her true identity, thus her true worth.

I'm not ashamed to admit, nor do I think it's weird, that as a grown man with no kids I found this to be an enjoyable film. Everyone loves a good fairy tale, and that's exactly what this is, a parable about virtue and friendship modernized for today's kids while retaining enough classical elements to feel timeless. The script, by director Rachel Lee Goldenberg (Sherlock Holmes) and Bill Parker (an Asylum editor), is balanced nicely between sentimental and adventurous, hitting all the right emotional chords without lapsing too much into being wholly either. The result is a fun, sweet, lively and uplifting film that - oh yeah, I'm going to say it - the whole family can enjoy.

Fiona Perry, a relative newcomer with a credit here or there, is the perfect princess, a child actress capable of portraying a burden most grown folk couldn't passably carry, that of being royalty, and the pressures, restrictions and in fact short-comings, socially and practically speaking, such a life implies. Miss Perry shows an emotional range well beyond her years, and is exactly the sort of little girl every other little girl would want to be friends with. The Asylum might have just found itself a Fanning-esque prodigy. 

Ms. Lathan shines as Aunt Fay, as does Ron Hajak as Lawrence, the princess' American paternal figure, but it's the performance by Bill Oberst Jr. as despicable carnival owner Theodore Snyder that steals the show on the adults' end. As a sort of cartoonishly further-demented Daniel Plainview (click here, then here), he takes wickedness to a delightful new level and transforms what could have been a generic villain into a memorable adversary. They should shuffle this guy into a regular Asylum flick - he'd make a heck of a space marine platoon leader or serial killer.

All in all, then, the verdict on this one is positive. For a guy who doesn't really watch a lot of kid-oriented stuff (at least not the stuff made after, I don't know, 1987?) I wasn't really aware of the fact that I was watching something intended primarily for kids. A good story is a good story, and this was just that. Throw in some great performances and an uplifting ending - not something all Asylum films come with; I'm looking at you, When a Killer Calls and Sex Pot - and you got yourself a positive 85 minutes. If I had a daughter, I'd totally let her watch Princess and the Pony, and she'd totally love it. Committed from birth.

Not To Be Outdone, Debbie Gibson Also Releases MPvG Single

In the wake of Tiffany's new single "Serpentine," a country boot-slapper released earlier this week, Mega Python vs Gatoroid's other heroine, Debbie Gibson, has also dropped a track from what's quickly becoming the hottest soundtrack of 1989. 

The song, the aptly-named "Snake Charmer," is an upbeat dance number sure to get your booty shakin', or however the kids describe it these days.

Both songs are available for download now on iTunes, and the main event, the SyFy World Premiere of Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, goes down a week from this Saturday, the 29th of January, at 9 p.m.

Listen and love!

Observation Notes Catch-Up: Comedies

I know not all my readers have been with me from the beginning, and I also know given the amount of postings I've made, things can get lost in the shuffle. I also know that I'm not the best at tagging uniformly, so there might be a few things, specifically Observation Notes, that go unread. As such, periodically I like to remind you - with links! - of the films I've reviewed, and I think a good way of grouping these is by genre. So here, for your catching-up or even revisiting pleasure, are the Comedies produced by The Asylum that I've reviewed thus far, along with links to the original posts. Enjoy!

 MILF
written by Jonny Haug
directed by Scott Wheeler

Sex Pot 

written & directed by Eric Forsberg

18-Year-Old Virgin

written By Naomi Selfman

directed by Tamara Olson

#1 Cheerleader Camp

written by Naomi Selfman

directed by Mark Quod

inmate profile(s): Debbie Gibson & Tiffany

T-minus 10 days until the SyFy premiere of The Asylum's Mega Python vs Gatoroid, and since I've already brought you profiles on the film's director, Mary Lambert, as well as its screenwriter, Naomi Selfman, it seems like the perfect time to profile the films stars, Debbie Gibson (Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus) and Tiffany (Mega Piranha).

Let's go ahead and get the elephant in the room out out the way: both of these women used to be teen idols, radio princesses, and yes, there was the perception of a bit of a rivalry between them - both struggling for the attention and allowances of the same demographic at the same time - but truthfully that perception seems to have come more from us than it did them. In fact, rumor has it that the very pairing of these two came at Tiffany's suggestion to play up their supposed rivalry. At the end of the day, both are seasoned performers with more than two decades under their belts in the industry of celebrity, and while the lion's share of media attention this film is receiving is due to the past careers of its stars, I'm here to talk about Debbie Gibson and Tiffany the actresses, not the former pop-divas we all know and love. After all, these are grown women, artists in transition, and what they're doing will always be more interesting than what they've done; thus is the evolving nature of art.

We'll begin with Ms. Gibson, because as Hollywood beginnings go, hers is definitely one of the coolest I know of: her very first film role, though uncredited, is in Ghostbusters. I shit you not. In the scene where Louis (Rick Moranis) is pursued by the dog/demon/Gozar thing through Central Park and ends up outside the Tavern on the Green, there is one table among the fabulously disinterested clientele celebrating the birthday of a young girl, as denoted by the presence of balloons; the young girl is Debbie Gibson. After this inconspicuous debut, Debbie went uncredited twice more - in Sweet Liberty and The Manhattan Project - before her music career blew up and next thing you knew, outside of a "90210" appearance as herself, acting had to retreat to the back burner for a few years. When the ever-shifting tides of popular music forewent bubble gum for grunge, Ms. Gibson fluttered for a few years about the reality television circuit for before launching a full-blown acting career at the start of this century. Since then she has worked steadily in independent films, on stage, in TV series and whatnot, but it wasn't until 2009 when Ms. Gibson signed on to a little film by the name of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus that the public really sat up and took notice. And wisely so: as captivated as we were by the fresh-faced teen-idol she was, the adult, mature, sultry and alluring Debbie Gibson was well worth the wait.


Tiffany has only recently transitioned into acting, while at the same time continuing her music career and releasing an album every few years (in fact, only a week or so ago Ms. Tiff released her latest single, "Serpentine," a country-ish, sassy ballad featured in MPvG and available on iTunes now). Though she started this last decade with a few guest spots here and there, some playing herself, some not, it wasn't until 2009 that she began to attract roles in films that didn't require her to sing. Necrosis - a zombie/ghost story involving the Donner Party - was the first such film that came along, and though the role it gave Tiff was still supporting, it reintroduced her to the celebrity sphere in a way that some brilliant, forward-thinking people in the industry leapt on, casting her in her first ever lead role, last year's SyFy Original triumph, Mega Piranha. And not only did she fit the lead like a glove, we, the world, loved her in it, enough to demand another go around. For additional info on Tiffany's burgeoning acting career and her involvement in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, check out this interview conducted recently by the Daily Herald.




So there you have it, two women, two decades, two scarily-similar career trajectories. But now that they're together, playing to our gossip and long-simmering adolescent fantasies, things just feel...balanced, you know? Like at long last life is ready to start making sense. Tune in next Saturday night, January 29th, and watch the New World Order begin.

200 MPH Gets a Poster!

And here it is! 

Not more than a week has passed since we first got the details of the latest Asylum production to be announced, and already the poster has been published on the film's info page. I love the colors, the skyscraper background and the hint of sensuality embodied by the single female leg. Cars, night, and short-skirted women - three things dear to every bad boy. 200 MPH drops April 26th, and with a poster already up, shouldn't be too long before we see some set photos.

Sounds Like an Asylum Movie to Me

So, the above image was captured by the Hubble telescope last week, and is assumed to be a green cloud of gas illuminated by a quasar that blinked out of existence some 200,000 years ago. 

The object, given the catchy moniker Hanny's Voorwerp (which sounds more like a top-shelf expenditure in Amsterdam's Red Light District than an astronomical anomaly), is said to be the size of our own Milky Way galaxy, and composed of a 300,000 light-year-long stream of gas. The glowing part is supposedly oxygen, and this nebulous nebula is, by current calculations, 650 million light years from our peaceful planet. So even if it was dangerous - which officials insist it is not - it wouldn't reach Earth for several, several, several lifetimes.

Yeah right.

That's exactly what they would say, isn't it? Of course it's just gas, of course it's harmless, of course it's too far away to be dangerous. Let me pose a question: if this thing's moving so slow, where was it the day before you discovered it? It's green and glowing and 300 thousand light-years long, not exactly the kind of thing that creeps up on you. For all we know, this thing leaps light-years like lily pads and it's just resting up between jumps.  

And maybe I'm being paranoid, maybe I've been influenced by too many science-fiction films, but since when is a glowing green cloud from deep space the size of our galaxy not considered dangerous? Nothing the size of our galaxy is harmless. Blue whales are supposed to be docile things as well; try dropping one on your house. Docile or not, big shit causes damage. 

from www.longhousestudios.com

Of course it's coming for us, this strange radiation cloud, this cosmic dragon that as we pass through it will incinerate everything that crosses its green, glowing line, unless a team of crack scientists can find a way to reflect or some other way thwart the cloud from causing the whole planet to combust. 

And every team needs a leader, preferably a bit of a maverick, a brilliant and well-educated, vastly-experienced rogue who plays by his own rules, isn't afraid to take a risk, and in the end cares more about survival and discovery than fame and fortune. Ooh, ooh, and his ex-wife should be involved. James Van Der Beek and Kristen Miller were born to play these roles, born I say!

Round out the team with a couple of technicians/specialists, roles for folks like Kim Little, Jude Gerard-Prest, Jay Gillespie, Erica Duke, that sort of crew, and maybe even a two-man astronaut crew, valiant martyrs for the greater good, played by Rhett Giles and Griff Furst, just for old time's sake.

Stranger films have been made, but not much stranger things have been discovered.

observation notes: 2012 Supernova

So, it's been brought to my attention via comments, personal emails and Facebook posts that perhaps in these observation notes, in my zeal to communicate my enthusiasm for Asylum productions, I'm giving away a bit too much in regards to plot details, thus doing the opposite of my primary directive and spoiling a thing or two. As I've said before, the ultimate point of these notes, indeed this blog, is to spark your interest, whet your appetite, and make you want to see the daggum movies. As such, I will try to restrain myself a little more in the future, restrict my synopses from now on to no more than a mere paragraph of general description, focusing my efforts instead on praising the technical and creative aspects of the films. Funny, I think, maybe you won't, that I choose to start this with a film I didn't particularly care for. Either way, here we go:

This is the second of The Asylum's 2012-prefixed films - sandwiched between 2008's 2012: Doomsday and next year's 2012: Ice Age - and, as the title indicates, concerns impending oblivion courtesy of an astronomical anomalous catastrophe: seems a star in a neighboring galaxy goes ape-shit unstable and explodes, "supernova" as the kids call it, and unleashes a deadly burst of space-radiation hurtling towards Earth, where it will eradicate every living thing on the planet; it is up to a brilliant if rebellious astrophysicist (Brian Krause) to compose a radical plan that can save all of mankind from imminent extinction. That plan? Well, that's one of the things on which I'm censoring myself, but rest assured I didn't choose the adjective "radical" haphazardly. Add to this a subplot - one typical in Asylum films; see Mega Fault, Meteor Apocalypse, Titanic II - in which said astrophysicist's family is in constant peril from the first ripples of destruction, and the result is a moderately intense - if overly melodramatic - disaster flick roughly on par with other direct-to-DVD offerings in the genre.

I'm not known to be one who minces words, so I won't start here: this isn't the greatest story, and the dialog is even not-greater. This film, in fact, is a pretty good example of a stellar - pardon the pun - concept that crashed and burned upon execution. This story was too rote, the characters weren't near developed enough - despite admirable turns by the principle cast - and the conclusion kinda sucked. That said, the FX were pretty cool, startlingly cool, in fact, as though lifted from another movie and dropped into this one, a credit to both the visual effects department and director Anthony Fankhauser (8213 Gacy House), the latter of whom makes the best of a mediocre situation by depicting the chaos as sufficiently chaotic and peril palpable. My only critique of the direction would be the repetitive use of the same FX clips, but, given what the budget of such a film was bound to be, I suspect this isn't a short-coming of direction but rather an economic necessity, so, no harm no foul.

As for performances, I like Brian Krause. I can't put my finger on just why, I just always relate to him. Whether it's in this or other genre work - from the classic Sleepwalkers to the more-recent Beyond Loch Ness and Warbirds - there's just something really normal about this guy, in a good way, something we can all empathize with. Given that, I actually liked him in this: intense, focused, gruff, desperate but strong. The Asylum should have him back soon.

The lovely Heather McComb("The Event," "Prison Break," non-Asylum Shark Swarm) as the beleagured wife seeking protection against unimaginable perils, is appropriately frazzled without over-acting, and manages a grace under fire that is admirable and indeed noteworthy. Actress Najarra Townsend (hella shorts) rounds out the cast, showing a modicum of promise in her role, holding her own with the more accomplished actors.

This - global annihilation via extraterrestrial masses - isn't a new concept to either cinema in general (Armageddon, Deep Impact) or The Asylum (2012 Doomsday, Meteor Apocalypse) and while this is far and away not the finest entry in either category, it is a moderately entertaining 85 minutes, thanks to neat-o FX and plausible performances. But, truthfully, in a choice between this film and the actual apocalypse, it's kind of a toss up.

Sorry, they can't all be positive.

Holy Cow! Mega Python vs Gatoroid Gets Article in New York Times!

That's right, true believers, only the most prestigious newspaper in all of the United States of America ran an article today on the impending release of Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and the recent success of SyFy Saturday night original movies. My only lament with the article comes from their utter disregard for The Asylum. Like these movies make their freaking selves. Either way, though, there's no such thing as bad publicity, and if attention like this pushes MPvG's ratings closer to the 3 million mark - I'm predicting 2.8 - thus making it the highest-rated original film in Sci-Fi/SyFy's history, then that can only mean good things for our favorite studio.

Check out the article, and don't forget to tune in Saturday night, January 29th, on the SyFy network for the world premiere of The Asylum's latest masterpiece, Mega Python vs Gatoroid. 

And check back here one week from today, January 21st, for an announcement of just how I - and perhaps a few of you as well - will be celebrating the premiere. Hint: the word "fest" is involved.

Lovely Ladies of The Asylum vol. 1

I'm not a fool, gentlemen. I know what brings you here, what lures you in, coaxes your hits, some of you at least. It isn't the snarky commentary, or the breaking news, the hard-hitting interviews or deep-digging profiles, no, it's not me at all, is it? I see the keywords from my Google hits, and I know a picture of a pretty lady brings in more readers than the phrase "observation notes." 

Not that I can blame you: The Asylum employs a score of attractive and - more importantly - capable, intelligent and talented actresses well worthy of your search engine adoration. So, to gives my readers something I know they want and would never ask for, I tastefully present a pictorial tribute to some of The Asylum's beautiful leading ladies. Enjoy.

 

Sarah Lieving

Mega Shark Vs. Crocosaurus
Airline Disaster
Invasion of the Pod People
The Apocalypse
The Hitchhiker
The 9/11 Commission Report
666: The Child
Dracula's Curse
King of the Lost World
The Beast of Bray Road
Frankenstein Reborn
War of the Worlds

Kristen Quintrall

Universal Soliders

Invasion of the Pod People

Transmorphers

The Apocalypse

Supercroc

Erica Roby 

Invasion of the Pod People

The Apocalypse

The Hitchhiker

Halloween Night

The 9/11 Commission Report

Dracula's Curse

Hillside Cannibals

Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers

 

Noel Thurman

 Universal Soldiers

Transmorphers

Supercroc

The 9/11 Commission Report

Dracula's Curse

Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers

The Beast of Bray Road 

Marie Westbrook

Titanic II

100 Million B.C.

Dracula's Curse

Hillside Cannibals

Lindsey McKeon

Airline Disaster

The Land That Time Forgot

And there you have it, six of the finest actresses kind enough to grace the screen in Asylum productions. And yes, gentlemen, that is a "vol. 1" in the headline, meaning there will certainly be future installments. And as for any women reading this blog - I know you're out there, ladies - don't worry, there will be a Gorgeous Gentlemen of The Asylum forthcoming as well; here at Committed, we're for equal-opportunity-ogling.  

Tiffany Drops Her New Single From Mega Python vs Gatoroid Tomorrow!

Yep, that's right, there's a BRAND NEW TIFFANY SINGLE debuting tomorrow on iTunes, "Serpentine" is its name and it is, according to Ms. Tiff herself, featured in the upcoming Asylum production/SyFy Saturday Night Original/instant classic Mega Python vs Gatoroid, which premieres on the aforementioned cable network Saturday, January 29th at 9 p.m. 

No word on what the song might sound like, but given the context of the movie, I'm betting it's not a ballad, at least maybe not a straight-up ballad, maybe something darker like Alanis Morrisette's "Uninvited," from the City of Angels soundtrack.

(yeah, i just name-checked the Alanis song from City of Angels. those who do not remember history are doomed to have to watch it again.)


No word if there's a Debbie Gibson contribution to what is quickly becoming the greatest soundtrack of the year, nor is there any word on the white elephant in the room, a rumored duet between the two. But with a guaranteed cat-fight, I don't know that we really need much more. Don't be greedy, people. But do go out and download "Serpentine," available tomorrow on iTunes.

Asylum Should-Stars #2

Here at Committed, I'm always looking for ways to prolong my love affair with Asylum blogging. I've done inmate profiles - spotlights on Asylum personnel - and I've done pitches - shameless attempts to get hired in marketing/development - but now, I'm melding the best of these features into one, amalgamated column: the awkwardly-named Asylum Should-Stars, in which I present actors/actresses/other cultural figures I think would make lovely additions to the Asylum's stable of performers. More mindless fun to wile away your workday! Let's dive right in, shall we?

NAME(s): Gary Riley (L) and Dean Cameron (R)

BEST KNOWN FOR: playing the horror-film-infatuated comedic duo "Chainsaw and Dave" in the 1987 Carl Reiner classic, Summer School.

PLAYS: I think the above sentence pretty much clarifies that, but to simplify: lovable geeks smarter than they perform and borderline-autistic in their focus.

COULD BE CAST AS: a pair of roadside attraction/amusement park/sketchy traveling carnival owners, or a pair of oddly homo-erotic serial killers, or even a highly-successful filmmaking team, Dave the writer and Chainsaw the director. Horror, Comedy

NAME: Kristen Miller

BEST KNOWN FOR: playing "Princess Stevenson" on "That's My Bush!", "D.D." on "She Spies," and as the voice of "Lisa" in Team America: World Police.

PLAYS: ditsy/naive good girls on the surface with a hidden well of strength, independence and sass. Think of her as DeeDee Pfeiffer but a dozen years younger (not that age matters, it's just a reference point).

COULD BE CAST AS: any leading female role in any sort of film. Ms. Miller has proven herself a capable action heroine, an identifiably beleaguered victim in horror films, and a sharp, endearing comedic ace, as well as being cute to a point of ridiculous sexiness. The only thing it seems she hasn't done is a sci-fi/disaster flick; ball's in your court, Asylum. Comedy, Horror, Action, Disaster, Sci-Fi, Family

NAME:  Kristine DeBell

BEST KNOWN FOR: being a Playboy centerfold, "Alice in Wonderland" adult entertainer, and the cutest chick in the funniest movie ever, Meatballs. 

PLAYS: good girls gone really, really bad; star-eyed nymphets; girls-next-door that make you want to never leave home.

COULD BE CAST AS: should The Asylum ever throw its hat into the summer-camp-comedy ring (which I think they should), Ms. DeBell would be the perfect cameo, much like the use of Charlene Tilton in #1 Cheerleader Camp. Otherwise, I have a feeling Ms. DeBell would suit any comedy just fine. And, as she hasn't worked since 1990, she's nice and primed for a career resurrection.  


There you have it. Thoughts? Disagreements? Suggestions?

200 MPH Details Revealed!

So The Asylum today has put up the official page for their upcoming film 200 MPH, originally subtitled Midnight Racers, but that detail hasn't seemed to make the cut here. Naturally there are no photos or a poster as of yet, but there are some tasty deets, including an official synopsis:

"After his older brother's death in a car crash, a young amateur racer is plunged into the harrowing world of illegal street racing, risking his life as he races with a vengeance."


We also get some info on the cast and crew, but this one is looking to be made largely by unknowns, so there isn't a lot of info to go around. But here's what I got:

• director Cole McCay - if it's the right guy, IMDB lists his sole credit as stunts on Columbus Day.
• written by Thunder Levin - Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood!
• starring Jaz Martin (upcoming The Shattering), AnnaMaria DeMara (one episode of "Nip/Tuck," upcoming Havana Heat with Joey Lawrence and Peta Wilson), Darren Thomas (again, if I got the right guy, upcoming remake of H.G.Wells' Food of the Gods and Welcome to the Jungle) and Hennely Jimenez (who is a mystery to IMDB. I'll see what I can find later.)

The only other info we have on this one is that it hits the asphalt April 26 of this year, and that it probably isn't a sequel to Street Racer like I at one time postulated. Unless it's a sequel like Tokyo Drift is a sequel. Only time will tell.

observation notes: Universal Soldiers

This sci-fi action spectacle is This Asylum's tie-in to the popular JCVD series about genetically-modified super soldiers that to date has generated five five - yes, I know, it's unbelievable but true; Van Damme's in 3 of them, including the last two, and the cheapies in the middle trade off Gary Busey and Burt Reynolds as bad guys. But I digress...

In this take, directed by Griff Furst (I Am Omega, 100 Million B.C.) from a script by Geoff Meed (I Am Omega, 6 Guns) based on a story by David Michael Latt (Pirates of Treasure Island, War of the Worlds), a platoon of the above-mentioned genetically-modified super soldiers - made x amount stronger, smarter, faster, and more resilient than the average soldier - goes haywire fresh off the assembly line, sending scientists and soldiers alike scrambling to get out of the building before the universal soldiers bring it down on top of them. Once outside, however, their situation doesn't improve in the slightest, as they're in the middle of wooded-nowhere, on foot, with the platoon still hot on their heels, seemingly intent on killing them all. From here it becomes another case of who's going to get it when, mixed together with some scientific backstory and the typical theories about whether or not the soldiers can evolve on their own, assume their own directives, accompanied by the typical conclusion that if so, everyone in the party is pretty much set to be fucked beyond all recognition. Inner-personal tensions flare and threaten to defeat our heroes before their enemies can, some soldiers strive harder to survive than others, twists and turns unfurl like snapdragons and all-in-all shit pops off in very violent, expletive-filled and explosive ways.

Kind of a cross between Aliens, Universal Soldier and The Asylum's own version of Journey to the Center of the Earth, overall this one's a riveting if dark adventure that kicks off in the first frame and builds accordingly through each of its 85 minutes towards a rewarding and thrilling climax. The story moves fast, the dialogue is appropriately, brutally bleak, and despite such a large ensemble of characters, a dozen at core to start, each feels fleshed out and individualized, distinct, which is a major, major credit to the screenwriting of Geoff Meed. This is an aggressive film, relentless in its action, physicality and terror, and easily as fun and entertaining as any of the actual sequels in the tie-in franchise, if not more so for its focus on the soldier-side of the battle between soldiers and super soldiers.

Speaking of the soldiers, as mentioned this is an ensemble cast with many familiar faces, including Jason S. Gray (The Apocalypse, The Da Vinci Treasure, Alien vs Hunter), Kevin Kazakoff (Alien vs. Hunter), Noel Thurman (Transmorphers, Supercroc, Dracula's Curse, Beast of Bray Road), Randy Mulkey (Alien vs Hunter) and even a cameo by director (not of this) Justin Jones (The Apocalypse), all of whom pull together to make this one of the most successful ensembles in The Asylum's vault. But it's lead Kristen Quintrall who once again, as she did in The Apocalypse, steals the show. As the private first class among higher-ranking soldiers, she is fierce, harsh, every inch a believable warrior and frighteningly sexy. Her intensity makes the entire film more palpable, and really brings to life the tension and suspense sewn into the script. She takes the role and makes it one of the strongest female roles in all The Asylum, to rival Sarah Lieving in Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus and Cynthia Rose Hall in Supercroc, and as such she is just as irresistible to watch. Whoo-ah!

And finally credit must be given to director Griff Furst, who here has composed an exhilarating as well as beautifully dark film, akilter in all the right ways, playful with light and shadow, soft focus, and all-in-all a very atmospheric, chilling experience. Kudos, sir.

So to conclude, I say if you find yourself hankering for some Universal Soldier follow-ups, skip the immediate sequels and head here first, I guarantee it's a better time.

Bargain Alert! 6 DVDs for the Price of 1!

I was at my local shopping mall the other day, buying some belated Christmas presents for a belated trip home to North Carolina that was canceled at the last minute because of the winter storm that plowed through the Southeast this week, when, browsing among the selections at Suncoast Motion Picture Company, lo and behold I discovered the two precious things to the left there in the bargain bin...for only $5.97 apiece!!! That's only 99 cents per movie for half-a-dozen of The Asylum's finest: I Am Omega/Monster/Alien vs. Hunter and Countdown:Armageddon(Jerusalem)/Transmorphers: Fall of Man/The Day the Earth Stopped.  The DVD's are put out by Echo Bridge Entertainment, a secondary distributor The Asylum seems to use for certain titles, most recently Airline Disaster and 8213 Gacy House. This is a great deal on six great films, so if you've still got a Suncoast or F.Y.E. store in your vicinity, and you got $11.94 to drop on some quality home entertainment, I think you know what you have to do.

inmate profile: Mary Lambert

Man oh man did The Asylum score with this one: Mary Lambert, an acclaimed director with more than thirty years behind the camera, is the very director attached at the helm for this month's SyFy-debuting Asylum production Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, otherwise known as The Battle of the 80's Mall Icons. But they're neither here nor there; this one's all about Mary.

Ms. Lambert was born in the lovely state of Arkansas, which she promptly fled upon graduating high school to attend the prestigious Rhode Island School of Design. In the early 80's she honed her directoral skills on a number of iconic music videos, including two for Janet Jackson - "Nasty," and "Control" - and a quintet for Madonna - "La Isla Bonita," "Material Girl," "Borderline," "Like a Prayer," and, oh yeah, "Like a Virgin" - so she knows a little something about handling pop divas.


A pause here, as I think it's worth noting again Ms. Lambert's video resume. She directed "Like a Virgin." "Like a Virgin." That's the first video ever, as far as I'm concerned, certainly the first one that made a lasting impression on me. And, as someone who knew of Madonna before he knew of Marilyn Monroe, the "Material Girl" video was a spectacle the likes of which I'd never seen. And who can forget the daring, audacious artistry of "Like a Prayer" with Leon? These are some of the biggest visuals of my childhood, and knowing that a director capable of making such an impression is in the driver's seat of MPvG makes me feel very, very good inside. And checking out her actual filmography, it only gets better.


Ms. Lambert directed both Pet Sematary movies, the Traci Lords-Mark Dacascos version of the AIP classic Dragstrip Girl, the super-hot teen thriller The In Crowd, and the third installment of the Urban Legends franchise, Bloody Mary. So what it seems we have here is a highly capable director used to soliciting screams from bloodthirsty audiences worldwide in charge of the hottest film of early 2011.


Debbie, Tiffany, Mary at the helm and a script by proven-ace Naomi Selfman (#1 Cheerleader Camp, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus): MPvG is a thriller creatively molded entirely by women, an Asylum first. Judging by the talent at their disposal, let's hope it the first of many to come.

creature feautre: Giant Octopus

It's sad, really: all the attention given to Mega Shark over the last couple of years has left another massive, formidable sea creature in the shadow of its ginormous dorsal fin - the Giant Octopus. Quickly becoming the Brian Dunkelman of one of the decade's most thrilling creature franchises, I thought it was time, especially amidst the recently reinvigorated swirl of interest around the Mega Shark, that we take a moment to remember and pay homage to a fallen warrior, a non-human who was just as instrumental in making the Mega Shark franchise a success, the George Frazier to MS's Muhammad Ali, the Garfunkel to it's Paul Simon, the one, the only, the dearly departed Giant Octopus.

On paper, this shouldn't even have been a struggle: the giant octopus (in general) has been a scourge of the seas for hundreds of thousands of years, the root creature for nearly every sea serpent story ever told, and the only creature in the briny depths courageous and capable enough of taking on fierce predators like sharks and mammoth prey like whales. I mean, shit, this one took down an oil derrick like it was crumpling up a Styrofoam cup. With a tentacle reach that can in some cases exceed 100 feet - that's per tentacle, mind you, so we're talking about 800+ feet of lashing, barbed, powerful flesh whipping around at all moments, and that's just on real giant octopi, not a CGI one from some prehistoric era I can't free-spell - and the power to crush nearly anything they get wrapped around, Mega Shark shouldn't have stood a chance against the Giant Octopus, no matter how mega he was. In fact, for the majority of the film - in my opinion at least - it seemed a foregone conclusion that Giant Octopus was gonna take this one home. Don't forget about the beak this thing has, either, razor sharp and curved for extracting a massive chunk out whatever it sinks itself into; once the Giant O had that angry fish in it's grasp, it should've been all over. The key word here being "should've," because the only thing that can thwart biology, is instinct.

See, the giant octopus (again, in general) is a predator that relies more upon its stealth, its secrecy, its natural acumen to capture and slay its prey, while the shark, in general and specific to the Mega Shark, is a rogue, a madman, a violent, thrashing, exploratory-biting, killing machine; it's aggressive, angry, brutal and merciless. Add this to its own degrees of stealth and acumen, and in this case the shark was simply the stronger predator, while the octopus, though giant, was just not giant enough.

In an ordinary, megalodon-less ocean, there's no question Giant Octopus would've been the apex predator with no conceivable rival aside from man, but unfortunate for Giant Octopus, he wasn't freed from that frozen stasis alone. And more unfortunate, perhaps, you can do a lot more spectacular stuff with a shark than you can an octopus. Really, it's a one-trick creature - all tentacle - while the shark has teeth and tail and the ability to launch itself 1500m above the surface of the sea to snag a passenger jet. I mean, the oil derrick thing was pretty cool, I get the statement, but you really can't compete with that plane trick by just hanging out in the water.

So maybe the decks were stacked against you, Giant Octopus, maybe you were the sure thing brought in to raise the odds on the underdog, a breed all its own. Either way, you fought valiantly, a true predator to the very end, and while we might not show you the recognition you deserve, and while your legacy will be forever linked with your destruction, rest easy, my tentacled, beaky friend, because you are not forgotten.

Giant Octopus

?? B.C. - May 26, 2009

Just a Reminder: Get Your Votes In!!!

 The voting period for the 1st Annual Looney Awards for Excellence in Asylum Films still has a few weeks left before time runs out, so if you haven't submitted your votes yet, check out the nominees and let your voice be heard!

Voting ends February 2nd, winners announce February 4th!

Sounds Like An Asylum Movie to Me

From the taxidermy bird production of Matrix Reloaded

I don't know if you guys have been checking the news out this past week, but there've been some pretty weird goings-on going on, the sort of stuff that would make Charles Fort, god rest his soul, sit up and take notice. Check this out:

• December 31st, Arkansas - thousands of red-winged blackbirds are reported to fall dead from the sky over an area roughly a square mile. No diseases are found, no toxins, only blunt force trauma as though the entire flock was started at once and flew madly into one another. Officials speculate fireworks frightened the birds.

• January 1- 5th, Brazil - 100 tons of dead fish wash ashore. As of yet, no cause has been determined.

• January 3rd, Louisiana - 500 red-winged blackbirds, starlings and sparrows are found dead on the side of the highway. No fireworks are suspected.

• January 3rd - 5th, England - 40,000 - that's not a mistype, 40,000 - small crabs wash onto the shore of the English coast, all of 'em dead. Officials suspect cold weather is the culprit. 

• January 5th, Maryland - 2 million fish go belly-up, mostly small guys but, still, 2 million of them. Again cold weather is the supposed culprit, as previous cases can be cited in the same area from 1976 and 1980. 

• January 5th, Sweden - hundreds of dead birds fall from the sky. As in Arkansas, blunt force trauma from "external blows" killed the bids. Once again they are found to be free of disease or toxin. Just beaten to death. 

•  January 5th, Kentucky - hundreds of grackles, red-winged blackbirds, robins and starlings fall dead from the sky, again disease-free and non-poisoned.

Pretty weird, right? I mean, when you put it all together, this stuff is just a couple former teen-idols short of a Saturday night on SyFy. But does it really signify the beginning of the end, the first tremors of the fabled apocalypse? Probably not. Shit, even Kirk Cameron doesn't really think so. Most likely this kind of shit goes on all the time and we just don't notice it, kinda like how you never notice how many Volkswagens there are on the road until you play punch-buggy. The only ones who should be truly nervous about these events are red-winged blackbirds; someone's really got it out for those guys.


But you see what I mean? This one could go anywhere: it could be a religious-themed end-of-days epic, a Hitchcockian creature feature about a war between birds, an eco-terror thriller, metaphysical horror, paranoid psycho-drama, bad porn, anything! Five bucks says even if it isn't The Asylum who makes this movie (and it probably won't be), you'll still see a Bird Rain or some similar shit pop up on DVD by year's end.


I'm just hoping it stars Kirk Cameron. Ooh, and whichever Baldwin got himself born again.